About Me
Abstract:
I'm a bi-polar, anxiety ridden, invisible girl who talks to inanimate objects as well as herself on a regular basis- drinks too much and can't handle the weight of human emotion. Chaos has been unkind to me. I'm friendly, nice, composed, but passive-aggressive and deeply discontented. I am not this serious. Everyone is serious but me.
I'm your typical everyday 'want to be something more' girl. Pseudo feminist, pseudo artist, pseudo philosopher, (pseudo basically everything), aspiring writer, want-to-be elitist. I like to meet people, preferably interesting people but anyone is interesting with the right perspective. I love everything, I hate everything, I'm equally as interested nonetheless. I'm anxious, confused, confident, concerned, empathetic, apathetic, discouraged, enlightened, inspired, distressed, excited, all and all as manic as can be. I oscillate between light and dark, good and evil, warm and cold, peace and chaos. I have an obsessive personality, or moreso, addictive. I get addicted to concepts, and ideas. I'm insatiably curious, and as soon as I have a question I don't stop until I have an answer. I like to think about things, all kids of things; complicated things, simple things, crazy things, time, relativity, et cetera. To quote a new friend and his beautiful work: "You only see the moon at night, the black and white. I see the sun, and all ninetythree million miles between."
I come off as very apathetic, very often- seemingly indifferent to life and its meaning. This isn't true, and actually it's quite the opposite. I'm very sympathetic to the human condition, and empathetic to those who stand where I once stood, but apathetic to those who refuse to take initiative. I'm very passionate but also very afraid. I'm not a nihilist, in fact the problem isn't at all that I don't care- it's that I care to much. But I feel like no one else does and thus futility is born. How can I value objects that aren't valued collectively? How important are bohemian ideals like love, and freedom, and beauty, and truth when everyone else would rather destroy them than create them? Maybe they see the futility too, but I don't destroy them, I just refuse to embrace them. They're just as sick and diseased as the people who made them that way.
I am really mad.
I'm really mad at America, and I'm really mad at humanity (or lack thereof)
I'm tired of small town faux fame. Stop it. "You'll never be a celebrated-rock star-victim- of your fame just cut your wrists like cheap coupons and tell them that death was on sale today..." Marilyn Manson was on it, but he quoted Putin in that song-
"The death of one is a tragedy
The death of one is a tragedy
The death of one is a tragedy
But the death of a million is a statistic."
America is to decadent- the obsessions with materialism, the misappropriated value system that we have developed through our capitalist ways is unfortunate, and I struggle not to get caught up in it. I like pretty things, and I like the distractions- but I try to remember- they're all flash and no meaning.
I'm tired of being lied too. This whole world is sick and fucked up.
Whowhatwhenwherewhyhow? What's next? Forward march? Am I surrounded by fuckingpreprogrammedrobots- ants mindlessly collecting dust? I'm lazy. I procrastinate. I'm self interested because everyone else is so seemingly uninterested. I wouldn't be an asset to the colony anyway. Thank god- "you're welcome", he said. What am I talking about? Where we're going...we don't need roads. Hell. Are you afraid? You know who isn't afraid? Space aliens. Because they don't believe in fucking hell.
I too was taught to fear-Fear God. Fear Hell. Fear Sin. Fear the Homosexuals. Fear Death. Fear Sex. Fear Satan. Fear Each other. Oh I'm afraid, but not of godhellsinhomosexualsdeathsexsatanoryou. I'm afraid of now. I'm afraid of life. I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of cause and affect. I'm afraid of unraveling the entire fabric of humanity. And if you're not afraid it's okay because I'm afraid for you. My paranoia is completely justified. I'm being nocturnal in a cold room- mindlessly typing and god isn't watching me, but the government is. Maybe. Satellites? Those aren't satellites- those are the space aliens, coming to save all of humanity. Ironic. I love irony.
Confused?
Yeah. Me too.
Nothing in this world makes sense to me.
Kill the clocks.
"Some people are your relatives but others are your ancestors, and you choose the ones you want to have as ancestors. You create yourself out of those values." -
My Ancestors...
Anais Nin - Simone de Beauvoir - Friedrich Nietzsche - Ralph Ellison - Edgar Allan Poe - Maya Angelou - Walt Whitman - Henry David Thoreau - L.Ron Hubbard - Albert Einstein - Jesus Christ - Fyodor Dostoevsky - Albert Camus - Plato - Socrates - Aristotle - Dante Algeheri - William Shakespeare - Allen Ginsberg - Jack Kerouac - e.e. cummings- William Faulkner - Katherine Anne Porter- Charles Dickens - Galileo - Buddha - Lao-tzu ...et cetera.
