At this point it's more of a question of who I will become. The people in my life that shape me, who are they to become? The unanswerable questions that loom forever on the horizon. The unspeakable emotions that I will feel, my evolution into the person I will be. What will life offer me and what will I in turn offer life? Will I be too paralyzed to ever succeed? Will I worry my life away? Will I regain parts of myself that I have lost? Can I be the person I so long to be? And in the end, what will matter? The mass accumulation of material objects? The boxes full of journals, mementos, photographs and collages of past lives? Will it matter that I couldn't always be financially self-sufficient, or that I implusively kissed someone or bought something too expensive. Will it matter that I got too drunk that night or went to bed too late? Or will it matter that I worked hard in school, that I had discipline, that I opened up my heart, that I cried in public, danced to the songs in my head, sung to my own happiness, liked my appearance sometimes, laughed and screamed because I wanted to. Laid in bed all day because I could, talked on the phone all night because I wanted to. Danced until my legs burned and drank until I fell down. Kissed because I had to, cried because of necessity, wrote to free my mind, and was selfish because so many times I wasn't. Turned the other cheek because the other one still stung with the blows of my past. Smiled through a frown, laughed through the pain, cried behind the joy, flirted through the dislike, loved behind the hate and hated behind the love. Aspired to be great and to have greatness thrust upon me. Needed and longed for love, wished and prayed for other's happiness. Restraining myself and holding onto old and tarnished promises. Revelling in the pure, calm night sky, living in a moment and returning to that moment and never letting it go. Drinking in life and pain and wonderment and letting go of vile, filthy things. Growing and expanding and hoping and wishing and dreaming. Letting my eyes drop and being completely spellbound by the world my mind entertains.
