Ron Wallace

I frequently get email from people asking me to explain exactly how the bagpipes work. Of course they don’t ask in exactly those words. Their actual wording is more like: “Just where do you get off, Mr. Wallace, playing those bagpipes outside my office window for three and a half hours?” Or: “How about I come down there next time and cram those bagpipes up your nose?” People come to me with this kind of question because I happen to be a major world expert on bagpipes. I deal constantly with sophisticated bagpipe questions like these everyday, hour after hour, until 10:30 am, when “Wheel of Fortune” comes on. After years of pursuing this regimen, I’ve learned certain fundamental truths about bagpipes. One of them is that you can improve almost any situation by injecting some bagpipes into it. (Judge): “Mr. Wallace, you have been accused of violating Portlands Noise Ordinace law, Or.-47-B. How do you plead?” (Me, striking in):rrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.” (Judge): “I sentence you to death.” Another fundamental truth is that bagpipes are funny. They are. Just look at them. There’s this big bulbous bladder thing with all these sticks poking out of it, tied together with rope and cloth and God only knows what else, and if you’ve never tried to pick one up, it’s like trying to tame an angry octopus. Even an experienced piper striking in a set of pipes has been compared to a monkey acting amorously towards a jug. (I chose "acting amorously" as opposed to the more popular word since myspace is a family website) (It has a wife and two little baby websites at home) I edited my profile with Thomas' Myspace Editor V4.4