About Me
Dear MySpace user Lebanon,I will be leaving you in about five days to go abroad into the wide world. Yes, I am going to Europe. Please do not miss me too much. I will send some of your residents postcards. You will hear from me. And I will not be gone for too terribly long this time.But shortly after that -- about a month, actually, I will be leaving you for a long time. I will be moving to Boston to become smarter. I doubt I will miss you very much. Truly, you really haven't been that good to me. First of all, you're boring. There is nothing cool or interesting about you. You're not fun to hang out with, and you can never think of anything exciting to do. Besides mini golf, and... I'm sorry to break this to you, Lebanon, but mini golf gets really fucking old after awhile. Especially the holes that are on the steep little hills and there is no way it's par three because it's impossible to get the stupid ball in the hole and you end up just hitting it excessively and cheating because, who cares, it's just mini golf.Okay, you're right, you also have bowling. And I conceed that the bowling experience did get much better after the smoking areas became more restricted. And I do have that lovely bowling shoe keepsake that is still under the passenger seat in my car, but I have to remind you that that wasn't even legitimately stolen-- no, that was found lying in the middle of road in Myerstown.Fortunately, your proximity to other things makes you sort of useful. For instance, I can travel to either Harrisburg or Lancaster within an hour, and both of these places have fun stores to shop in. One of them even has a venue to which certain bands occasionally come. But if one wants to see a real show, one has to go to Philadelphia or Pittsburgh, and that can take awhile. Philly is not so bad. But Pittsburgh...But let's take a candid look at things, Lebanon. You don't even have your own movie theater. And the one you used to have sucked. And the good one that you used to have a long time ago -- well, you pretty much let that go to shit and now it's a parking lot. You don't really take care of your assets, Lebanon. Consider the steel industry. Consider the Lincoln Avenue Industrial Wasteland. Parts of you are just plain ugly, and you only have yourself to blame.Plus, I think you're getting a bit too conceited. You've had more than your 15 minute share of fame. You got publicity when those Topeka, Kansas bastards came to protest at the local high school, but that wasn't enough, was it? I must admit, that was a little disappointing. It was laughable, actually. I laughed, anyway. Those crazy, pathetic bastards. So to make up for that, you had to go and have a tornado.What the hell, Lebanon? What is your problem? You know better than this. Pennsylvania, as a rule, is subject to very few natural disasters. The dying arm of a hurricane once a decade, maybe. Flooding in certain areas. Blizzards that keep people from driving for a day or so and make the bread and milk industries' sales briefly skyrocket. (Explain that to me, anyway, Lebanon. What the fuck do people do with all of that bread and milk? I feel like... I don't know, granola bars would be much more useful. And what if you don't have electricity? Your milk will turn rancid, morons. And you can't make toast. So, have fun with your rancid milk and stale, plain bread, assholes.) So basically, with the whole tornado thing, what were you thinking? Destroying people's homes just so that you could see your name in the papers? Someone could have been killed. You didn't think of that, did you? You're so selfish.
sincerely, jessie stockwell(this seriously does sum up lebanon)
