Diagnosis Funk profile picture

Diagnosis Funk

Lord of My Tiny, Skull-Sized Kingdom

About Me

Luxuriantly mustachioed smartass seeks philanthropists of the financial and sexual kind, completely tax-deductible, of course.
I deliver misanthropic monologues to my cat, who purrs his approval and adoration.
Cats in fancy hats, sarcasm, writing, staring at my mustache in the mirror, and obsessively reading progressive blogs are my coping mechanisms.

Other stuff I dig:

My Interests

First off, and in non-facial hair interests, for a "searchable database of Congressional voting records from a Progressive perspective," go to
http://www.progressivepunch.org/

Now down to business:
Facial Topiary in general.Mustaches: Dali mustaches, Hungarian mustaches, handlebar mustaches, imperial mustaches, Pancho Villa mustaches, horseshoe mustaches, walrus mustaches, pencil mustaches (aka the John Waters), the GG mustache, chevron mustaches, lampshade mustaches, painter's brush mustaches, the Zappa, the Rollie Fingers, the Pi, etc...

Mustache competitions, mustache parties, mustache wax, mustache brushes, mustache combs, mustache scissors, mustache cups, mustache nets, mustache marches, mustache leagues, mustache culture, mustache rights, mustache rides, mustache nicknames like pushbroom, soupstrainer, cookieduster, nose neighbor, flavor saver, mouth brow, nose beard...

Flavor saving, upper lip warmth...

I'd like to meet:



Besides a roid-raging Jesus, I'd really like to meet Bill Moyers and the obviously excellent folks at the American News Project
This is the greatest thing I've seen in a long, long time.

Music:



Rahsaan Roland Kirk is legit:

Cecil Taylor

Create Your Own!

Movies:

This link is to an incredible list, and the movies are all available for viewing.
Midnight Movies

Create Your Own!

Television:

Public television. PBS and LinkTV.The only bearable regular television I can consume comes from Stewart and Colbert.Mostly my favorites are all old, cancelled shows like HBO's Mr. Show with Bob and David, Wondershowzen and Home Movies.

Books:

Create Your Own!

Heroes:


"If to expose the fraud and imposition of monarchy and every species of hereditary government - to lessen the oppression of taxes - to propose plans for the education of helpless infancy, and the comfortable support of the aged and distressed - to endeavor to conciliate nations to each other - to extirpate the horrid practice of war - to promote universal peace, civilization, and commerce - and to break the chains of political superstition, and raise degraded man to his proper rank; - if these things be libellous, let me live the life of a libeller, and let the name of libeller be engraven on my tomb!"
-Thomas Paine
Carl Sagan: "We've arranged a global civilization in which most crucial elements profoundly depend on science and technology. We have also arranged things so that almost no one understands science and technology. This is a prescription for disaster. We might get away with it for a while, but sooner or later this combustible mixture of ignorance and power is going to blow up in our faces... I worry that, especially as the Millennium edges nearer, pseudoscience and superstition will seem year by year more tempting, the siren song of unreason more sonorous and attractive. Where have we heard it before? Whenever our ethnic or national prejudices are aroused, in times of scarcity, during challenges to national self-esteem or nerve, when we agonize about our diminished cosmic place and purpose, or when fanaticism is bubbling up around us - then, habits of thought familiar from ages past reach for the controls. The candle flame gutters. Its little pool of light trembles. Darkness gathers. The demons begin to stir."
Carl Sagan (The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark)

My Blog

This is water. This is water.

David Foster Wallace hung himself this past Friday.  He was one of my favorite authors, and one who I would often say could explain anything he put his mind to.  His essays, be they on moder...
Posted by Diagnosis Funk on Wed, 17 Sep 2008 07:52:00 PST

When Republicans Sound More Like Stephen Colbert than Stephen Colbert

Republican George Allen, former governor of Virginia, just keeps churning out the hits.  When asked what he thinks of that "liberal" line about Americans being addicted to oil, Allen delivers thi...
Posted by Diagnosis Funk on Tue, 16 Sep 2008 10:25:00 PST

Why Does Fox News Always Have to Scoop Me?

As soon as Obama announced Joe Biden as his running mate, I knew then and there that Barack was in fact the dreaded Islamo-fascist terrorist killing machine all those obviously credible emails tried t...
Posted by Diagnosis Funk on Fri, 29 Aug 2008 04:28:00 PST

Installing Septic Tanks is not as Glamorous as You’re Probably Imagining

Thanks to anyone and everyone for birthday wishes. I've been rather busy. Just moved to Austin, TX and looking for a job and a place to live. I'm not above beatin' up the elderly and stealing their...
Posted by Diagnosis Funk on Wed, 13 Aug 2008 03:01:00 PST

You are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge

Straight Outta Holy-shit-I-can't-believe-this-exists...town. Gangsta Babies, Series 1.  Individually priced at $112.00.  Behoooold! This is the descriptive text from the Web site, wr...
Posted by Diagnosis Funk on Sat, 02 Aug 2008 08:59:00 PST

John and the Profound Whatever

...
Posted by Diagnosis Funk on Sun, 27 Jul 2008 09:41:00 PST

"Girls Gone Wilde"

The fact I think this is the best spoof/satire I've seen, well, maybe ever, only confirms my own blistering squareness.  This is fucking hilarious, especially if you're a fan of PBS or reading to...
Posted by Diagnosis Funk on Mon, 21 Jul 2008 08:10:00 PST

I present to Pringles the basis for a new marketing strategy

You know, to reach that all-too-elusive, disgruntled, recently-released, former enemy combatant demographic.  Hear me out on this, President of Pringles, high up in your crispy potato tower.I kno...
Posted by Diagnosis Funk on Sun, 06 Jul 2008 09:18:00 PST

Debbie Does Stimulus Checks

Raising food prices are squeezing family budgets. Home foreclosures have doubled across the nation. Credit debt looms as the next major financial crisis. And, of course, gas prices are through the roo...
Posted by Diagnosis Funk on Thu, 03 Jul 2008 08:57:00 PST

In Facial Hair News...

If you've ever had a beard, or lived with a beardie, you are well aware of the problem of shedding. Much like a cat or dog, beardies tend to leave Johnny-Appleseed-like trails of facial hair wherever ...
Posted by Diagnosis Funk on Fri, 20 Jun 2008 07:11:00 PST