Vanilla Latte [Creep]

I Value My Friends More Than Donald Trump Values His Hair.

Shiloh.

This is my best friend. He's the boy who's been with me for what feels like forever. We're sarcastic assholes to each other, and it's a wonder people don't think we hate each other. He's my other half. He's going to do amazing things someday.

Binx.

My other best friend. The clarity to my static and my favorite gamer child. If it wasn't for this boy, I'd still be lost in my own little rabbit hole. When I get old, he'll be in a rocking chair next to me.

Tim-E Tim.

My big brother. He's the one who's always there to make faces at me and make me smile when I'm not happy. He's crazy and spontaneous, pretty much the older version of me. I'm proud to say that I'm a lot like him.

Cy Like Sigh.

This is my favorite ghouly girl. She's one of the only people left on this planet who's not afraid to speak the truth, no matter what. I love having conversations with her about anything, because we're both strange on a level that most people don't get at all.

Blarf.

My art buddy. One of the only people who understands my comedy, because we're both the same. We crack jokes about random things and get odd stares from people who don't get it. She's my minion, and a damn good one at that.

I'd like to meet:

Spit That Shit.

This is my boyfriend Zachary Adam Parham.
He is my entire world. We've been together now for what feels like forever. But that's okay, because I know that we WILL be together for that long. He's the only person I could ever see myself with, and he's the only person I can stand for extended periods of time.
He's the match to my puzzle pieces.
Mine.

I love you.
♥

Music:

Combichrist.
Marilyn Manson.
Nine Inch Nails.
Rob/White Zombie.
Ministry.
Mindless Self Indulgence.
Astrid Haven.
Streifte Geist.
DJ Tiesto, Caffeine, Aphrodite, and Keoki. Anything Industrial, Techno, or Electronic.

Movies:

CONFESSION OF THE DAY
April 18th-April 23rd.
Life has been crazy.
And I like it.
April 17th.
I need to just give up.
April 16th.
It isn't him that I want.
April 15th.
I need to get away. Fast.
April 14th.
No needle will ever make me as scared as you do...
April 13th.
And once again, you remind me why you're my best friend.
April 12th.
I will make this work, I swear.
April 11th.
Come back.
April 10th.
I'll follow.
April 9th.
It's over.
April 8th.
I wish for the impossible.
April 7th.
Today was one of the greatest days of my life.
April 6th.
Waiting.
April 5th.
For the first time in a long time, I'm seriously happy. Maybe it's because I have things to look forward to.
Plus, it's difficult to be sad when you're listening to Happy Hardcore, Industrial, and Techno music.
April 4th.
Looks like there's nothing I can do.
April 3rd.
That was a shitty way to end things.
April 2nd.
I don't owe you a God Damn thing.
April 1st.
I know what I'm doing.
March 23rd-March 31st.
I was in Disney and I learned more about myself than I have in years.
I learned who comes first in my life, and who I could care less about.
March 22nd.
I'm crazy.
And I love it.
March 21st.
Just leave me your stardust...
March 20th.
Right now, I'm digging myself a pretty shallow grave.
March 19th.
I don't want to hear all your bullshit.
March 18th.
You've lost me.
March 17th.
I could use a little encouragement.
March 11th-16th.
I've noticed that my friends die quite often.
I miss you Breanna.
March 10th.
Life is stressing me the fuck out,
But I love it for the most part.
March 9th.
You'll always be my best friend.
No matter what.
March 8th.
Duke basketball means SO much to me.
And if you have a problem with that,
Kiss My Skinny White Ass.
March 7th.
Today was stressful, but promising.
March 6th.
I'm not good for you.
March 5th.
I don't really care.
And because of that,
I can be happy.
March 4th.
I'm so glad I'm crazy.
It gives me the ability to look at all the shit in my life and laugh.
March 3rd.
Truth be told,
I just wanted to start a fight.
March 2nd.
Sometimes I bruise to easily.
Literally and Figuratively.
March 1st.
I'm working on it.
February 28th.
And it's starts now.
February 27th.
Happy Birthday Dad.
I love you.
February 26th.
If this works out, you're going to hate me.
February 25th.
I think I achieved my goal and I didn't even realize it.
February 24th.
I want my dad to get a job back up here because this working in Colombia shit is NOT working.
February 23rd.
I'm going to make this work.
February 22nd.
I just keep wishing.
February 21st.
I'm feeling brave.
February 20th.
I'll get there someday.
February 19th.
Lame.
February 18th.
I give up.
February 17th.
If they only knew...
February 16th.
I'm not sure what to say to you.
And that's a first.
February 15th.
One down, two to go.
February 14th.
The Worst Day On Record.
February 13th.
Here we go again.
February 12th.
I'll always have to settle.
February 11th.
I'm being pulled in a million different directions, when I want to go only one way.
February 10th.
Just admit it already.
February 9th.
I am friend of convenience.
February 8th.
Hi.
My name is Courtney,
And I'm a complete bitch.
February 7th.
I don't know how I feel about you anymore.
February 6th.
I make major sacrifices to keep friendships.
February 5th.
I'm scared.
February 4th.
The cards never lie.
February 3rd.
After what I saw,
I understand.
You won't have to worry about me anymore.
February 2nd.
I don't know about this.
February 1st.
This is it.
I declare war.
January 31st.
I don't even know.
January 30th.
Needles scare me so badly.
I would rather take on a 30-foot dinosaur with rabies than get a flu shot.
January 29th.
I can't go back now,
I might as well just go with it.
January 28th.
Every ounce of respect I once had for you is gone.
You only did it to yourself.
January 27th.
I'm not sorry that I'm not perfect.
But I am sorry that you couldn't see passed that.
January 26th.
No lies.
It's love.
January 25th.
One day you'll be proud of me.
And I'll do anything to get to that point.
January 24th.
Reduce.
Reincarnate.
January 23rd.
I can't fix you.
I've tried and failed.
I'm sorry...
January 22nd.
This has been one of the most amazing birthdays ever.
You don't even know.
January 21st.
Today was pretty much amazing.
January 20th.
Two more days and I'm not even excited.
January 19th.
What am I even doing?
January 18th.
And now I understand what is so alluring about the static.
January 17th.
Maybe I didn't really want to know.
January 16th.
Even though it's at an extremely slow pace,
I'm losing fear.
January 15th.
The worst part is,
I'm not sorry.
Not one bit.
January 14th.
I have a chance to change,
The sad part is, I don't know how to or even if it'll work. All I know is that I'm stuck between a rock in a hard place and I have no way to get out. I'm so sorry.
But you're stuck with me.
January 13th.
My best friend Katie is the reason I get up in the morning.
And you people freak out too much.
January 12th.
If I'm crazy,
You, my dear, are psychotic.
January 11th.
I'm freaking out.
January 10th.
Falling deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole.
January 9th.
I would do anything just to hear that you're proud of me.
January 8th.
I won't let it ruin my progress,
even though it's difficult.
January 7th.
I will never give up on you.
January 6th.
We aren't kids anymore.
But we never were.
January 5th.
One step in the right direction.
January 4th.
The spine I magically grew today fits quite nicely.
It's more comfortable than I thought it would be.
January 3rd.
Time to move on.
January 2nd.
For once,
I hate being right.
January 1st.
Today begins a new year, and I can't say that I'm excited. Maybe things will get better, maybe they won't.
But I can say that I'm hopeful.
December 31st.
I found my way out.
And I'm fucking excited.
December 30th.
The words "I'm Sorry" mean nothing to me anymore.
December 29th.
I know what I want.
And I can't have it, so I'll have something that will tide me over.
December 28th.
I don't even know what to say to you.
So how about silence?
December 27th.
Fuck you.
December 26th.
I can't give you what you want.
December 25th.
You should be here.
December 24th.
As it gets closer to being 2007,I realized that one more year over,
Is one more year closer to you leaving.
December 23rd.
I'm unsure and afraid.
But I have hope.
December 22nd.
I always feel obligated to help people when they need it, even if I can't.
December 21st.
I realized how much I missed your friendship.
December 20th.
I look up to you more than you know.
December 19th.
I love days like this.
December 18th.
Time to fix things.
Being sad all the time is such a
Faux Pas.
December 17th.
I dislike many people in my family.
December 16th.
What would you say if you knew?
December 15th.
If I had to choose between many of my friends, and the music I make,
I would choose the music.
December 14th.
I am a Misanthrope.
December 13th.
If I wasn't looking forward to Saturday so much, I would probably gouge my eyes out right now.
December 12th.
I hope that never happens.
I hope...
December 11th.
I finally give up.
I've been hopeful for months, and I realized today that it will never happen.
It's better to admit defeat now, then continue on.
December 10th.
I'm trying to get better.
December 9th.
Round Two.
December 8th.
Sometimes I do things so that you'll look at me and think,
"Wow, that girl is amazing."
I'm not, but I wish you thought that.
December 7th.
My head was foggy,
But the message was clear.
December 6th.
I'm hopeless and I hate it.
December 5th.
Forget Yesterday.
December 4th.
I think I can finally let you go.
December 3rd.
I am a liar.
December 2nd.
Pride won't let me admit that I'm not strong enough to deal with it all.
December 1st.
Never admit it if you're not willing to accept the consequences.
Or the rejection you knew you were going to get anyway.
November 30th.
Damaged Goods.
Do Not Open 'Till Christmas.
November 29th.
This is pathetic, and I am
DONE.
November 28th.
Today, when I was on the swing, I realized that everyone has their love, and I don't. What's worse, is that I don't think I'll ever find mine.
November 27th.
I could carve the numbers a million times and it would never ever be enough.
November 26th.
You just made me feel completely worthless, and you don't even know you did it.
November 25th.
Concerts are one of the only things that make me happy these days.
Thank God For The Music.
November 24th.
I have to find the real me.
November 23rd.
No amount of Turkey can stop me from feeling like this.
November 22nd.
Just hand me the shovel.
I have a deeper hole to dig.
November 21st.
Life does not excite me at all right now.
What is wrong with me?
Someone help me...
November 20th.
I don't want it to be fake.
November 19th.
I am not as strong as I'd like to be. And because of that, I need people to be there for me, and tell me they care.
It gives me a little more strength.
November 18th.
And, Scene.
November 17th.
I like hugs, and I give them to people even if they don't want them.
November 16th.
I feel numb.
And it's actually not as bad as I thought it would be.
November 15th.
If I love you, please don't leave me.
November 14th.
Optimism, remember?
I need to take my own advice.
November 13th.
I no longer know what I'm doing.
November 12th.
Once again, I'm setting myself up for failure.
How exciting.
November 11th.
One day, I hope to come in
First Place.
November 10th.
I'm not so sure about this anymore.
I just.. don't know.
November 9th.
I hope things stay like they are,
Because life is pretty great right now.
November 8th.
When people say they love me,
I feel better about myself.
November 7th.
You make me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon.
November 6th.
Today, I'm being honest about everything.
So you should all ask me questions if you want a serious answer.
November 5th.
One day you all will realize that I am a great friend.
But for now, doing shit like that just makes me feel like a horrible person.
Someone, please hug me and tell me it's going to be okay.
Novemver 4th.
Someday I will be just like you.
And I don't know why, but
I can't wait.
November 3rd.
There are only a handful of people that mean anything to me. And I would do anything for them. Even if it meant me ending up dead in the end.
November 2nd.
I need to be reassured constantly. And I don't know why.
I guess it's because I temporarily stop worrying when someone tells me they love me.
November 1st.
I admit it.
Now let's change it.
October 31st.
And once again,
Halloween is the greatest night of the entire year.
October 30th.
I patched my balloon and I filled it back up.
Now just put a patch on my heart, and everything will be perfect.
October 29th.
There are things I'm trying to fix. But being insecure, paranoid, and caring too much, are things that will never change.
October 28th.
And once again, things are looking up.
I just hope this is something that will last for a while.
October 27th.
You know what bothers me and you do it anyway.
That is what we have to fight about.
October 26th.
Phase One Complete.
And the good thing is,
This is actually something I don't regret.
October 25th.
Today begins change.
You were right about everything. And as much as I hate that, I realized that I've got a lot to fix.
So, I'll start now.
October 24th.
I'm just lying to myself. That's pretty much it.
October 23rd.
Love is what we all wish for, hope for, die for.
We can't give up on the hope that someday, we will feel it on a level that no one can comprehend.
Keep your chin up, kid, your time will come.
Everyone's will.
October 22nd.
I want to be the perfect person to everyone.
The perfect friend, daughter, family member, whatever.
Not for myself, but for you all.
October 21st.
Seeing you like that,
Makes me want to be the same.
October 20th.
I like attention.
Not the "OMG SHE'S SO AWESOME!!11" kind,
But I like it when my friends tell me they love me.
I like being called a "good" "great" "real" or "best" friend.
October 19th.
It would be wonderful if there was someone out there who would love me for me.
Not because they want to date one of my friends.
October 18th.
Confessions are about truth, right?
Well, today I've been thinking about a lot of things,
And I realized that things aren't going to get any better unless I really think they will.
Maybe there are times when I want to just sleep and never wake up, but then I remember that I have amazing friends and an amazing family.
I could never leave you guys.
Just please don't ever leave me.
October 17th.
I want to be a better person.
Just so you can look at me,
And be proud to say that you know me.
October 16th.
From now on, I'm going to be happy.
And if I'm not,
I won't let you know it.
October 15th.
I would love if everyone told me exactly what they thought of me.
The Good and the Bad.
October 14th.
No more.
No more.
No more.
October 13th.
Wow.
Friday the 13th is the best day of the year.
Tonight proved it.
October 12th.
I worry about this every day.
And every day, I wake up and think about all the ways I'm going to completely screw my life up.
I think about never being able to fully understand what's happening to me.
And then I realize that I'm right.
I AM going to screw my life up.
I don't know what I'm doing.
And my weakness makes it harder to straighten everything out.
October 11th.
I refuse to let this get the best of me.
Even though I just want to break down,
And give it all up.
October 10th.
I want you to look at me one day and say,
"See her? Yeah, she's my perfect friend."
October 9th.
I'm going to work on this.
And I'm going to be what you're looking for.
October 8th.
I never want to be like that.
Ever.
October 7th.
Today begins a new Era.
And I don't think most of you are going to like it.
October 6th.
I really really miss you.
And it hasn't even been a while since I last saw you.
October 5th.
I'm sick and tired of being treated like I'm nothing. Start acting like you actually give a damn.
October 4th.
I don't know if I can feel anything, anymore.
Doesn't matter. You certainly don't care.
October 3rd.
I love how I do things on impulse.
And by love,
I definately mean hate.
October 2nd.
There are days when I'm not insecure about myself.
Today is not one of those days.
October 1st.
Everything I hear,
Freaks me out.
September 30th.
I believe I'm content with myself now,
Only because every time you fuck up,
It makes me appreciate myself.
September 29th.
Believe it or not,
There are many days when I wish I was a boy.
It has to be a hell of a lot easier.
September 28th.
Sometimes, I get confused, and I irritate people.
And I don't even know what I've done.
September 27th.
Please, Please, Please,
Don't ever get rid of me.
September 26th.
Insignificant things mean the most to me.
September 25th.
I know that I am a manipulative bitch.
And in many cases,
The way I get answers out of people is hurtful.
I'm sorry. But I don't know what to do differently.
September 24th.
It makes me happy,
When karma bites people in the ass.
September 23rd.
One day, you'll get it.
And when that day comes,
I pray it's not too late.
September 22nd.
I am happy.
Please don't ruin it for me.
September 21st.
And it seems,
I complain about the same old shit every day.
Guess what?
I'm done.
September 20th.
I'm glad you're there to love me,
When I don't love myself.
September 19th.
My Grandpa's birthday is today.
And I've felt terrible all day.
But I have to say, that I thank you so much for making me feel better.
Your hugs make me happy.
September 18th.
I'm definately ok with this now.
And I'm actually... happy about it.
September 17th.
I am paranoid.
And I accept that.
September 16th.
My confession today is a little different.
I don't care anymore.
I'm sick of this.
September 15th.
My friends make me happy.
September 14th.
I'm going to make this work.
I swear to God.
September 13th.
I want you to be my Guardian Angel.
September 12th.
I want today to end.
September 11th.
I believe it is now safe to say,
That without you, I would be dead right now.
September 10th.
That's all I needed to know.
Thank you.
September 9th.
I am going to try to be optimistic from now on.
I owe it to everyone.
September 8th.
I really don't think I'm cut out for this.
September 7th.
When you do that, I get paranoid.
Every time.
September 6th.
I'm not really that interesting.
But Asian food makes me smile.
September 5th.
I actually don't think I'll be able to hide it much longer.
I have to say something.
September 4th.
I am a liar. And I know it.
What's worse, is that you don't.
September 3rd.
It's so hard to suppress any kind of feelings. I wasn't aware of that.
September 2nd.
I'm starting to believe that I'm too confused to know what I really want anymore.
September 1st.
I stole this from Ryan, who stole it from Jen, who stole it from Alex.