Ted Lobster is running for PRESIDENT!!!Red Lobster employee and all around good American Ted Lobster, has announced that he is forming an exploratory committee for president, thereby launching a bid to become the first Red Lobster employee chief executive of the United States."I'm in," he said as he placed an order of cheese biscuits on a table. "And I'm in to win it.""As a Red Lobster employee, I will spend two years doing everything in my power to limit the damage McDonalds, Olive Garden and IHOP can do," Ted Lobster's statement added. "But only a new president will be able to undo Burger King's mistakes and restore our hope and optimism."While the timing of the news was a closely guarded secret, the announcement itself is not all together surprising. The junior employee from the Florence SC location has been considering a presidential run for months.During a televised debate just before his break time last Friday night, Ted Lobster told voters they should not count on him completing a full week of work starting next year.Many political watchers consider Ted Lobster the leading candidate to beat -- particularly given hisprolific fundraising abilities, extensive charm and charisma. Associates of Ted Lobster say he will be capable of raising tens of millions of dollars in the year to come...or he'll just steal it.Ted Lobster enjoys a substantial early lead for the nomination. In a Shamrock Productions/Washington Post poll last month, he was supported by 39 percent of registered voters, well ahead of his nearest competitors -- Freddie Fish, with 17 percent support; former Red Lobster employee Charlie Crab, with 12 percent; and Tom the Tuna, with 10 percent.Ted Lobster's support is particularly strong among women voters; 49 percent favor him for the nomination, compared with 29 percent of men. (wonder why)But Ted Lobster himself has also frequently acknowledged that there will be a "vigorous debate" prior to the next presidential election. And Ted Lobster will be anxious to distinguish himself from the other leading candidates -- Fish and Crab."If the debates don't go my way, well, I have plenty of trunk space for Freddie Fish and Charlie Crab." he said. " I mean, you know...if they need a ride afterwards."This past week, Ted Lobster made a highly-publicized trip to Longhorn's Steak House, where he met with top local chefs. During that trip, he told Shamrock Productions' David Trader the situation at Longhorn's is "heartbreaking.""I don't know that the American people or even just local residents believe at this point that they can get good service here." he told Shamrock Productions and ABC News.After returning to Red Lobster, Ted Lobster proposed a plan to cap the number of patrons eating in one establishment at a time and to begin a redeployment of servers and cocktail waitresses evenly. He also supports putting condom machines in all bathrooms...just in case.
I'd like to meet:
!!! ATTENTION LADIES !!! ARE YOU SICK AND TIRED OF LOOKING FOR "MR.RIGHT" AND ALWAYS ENDING UP WITH "MR.WRONG TURN"? Have you been searching for that tall, dark and handsome man, but only to end up with an over sized JERK? Do you ever wish you could just find someone that you can see EYE to EYE with? Do you just wish you could find a man that would remind you of your favorite Childhood Stuffed Toy? If you just answered "Yes" to any of those questions, then we have the answer for you! That's RIGHT! Look no further ladies! Here's the answer to all of your needs and wants! The toy Makers at Mattelâ„¢ have teamed up with the top-notch scientists from NASA and Hondaâ„¢ Robotics, to bring you the TEDDY(LOBSTER)RUXPIN IIâ„¢. The TR2â„¢ comes with all the great features that you loved as a kid, and combined with all the features that you want as a woman. The original Teddy Ruxpin came with these standard features: Told you stories, sung to you, snuggled, and slept with you. Now the TEDDY(LOBSTER)RUXPIN IIâ„¢ comes with these great new features added: Tells you stories (but only the truth), sings to you (your favorite songs), Loves to snuggle (w/anti-fall off the bed technology), and will sleep with you (but only after getting to know you, and doesn't require batteries like the older Ruxpin). At 5'4" tall the TR2â„¢ is life size but still is easy to store away in closets or under the bed (not recommended to store the TR2â„¢ in crawl spaces), Comes with shoulder extender for slow dancing with tall women (breast protector sold separate), TR2â„¢ Listen Mode- just tell Teddy your problems and he'll listen, TR2â„¢ Giggle Box Mode- this mode is automatic-TR2â„¢ is guaranteed to turn over your giggle box for hours of fun!.. all this plus many more features! With all this available, how could you go wrong? Well don't just sit there, ACT NOW and WRITE BACK! *Limited supply, only one available. (offer not valid where prohibited by law and in Puerto Rico)
Music:
I'm currently working with a few others on coming out with my new album, dedicated to Lobster Fans everywhere. The new album with have such soon to be greats as:
STUFT MUSHROOMS BABY, THIS IS WHY I'M RED LOBSTER HOT, PARTY LIKE A LOB-PARTY LIKE A LOBSTER
When I'm not listening to Muzakâ„¢ piped into my home:
Jack Johnson, DMB, Jeezy, and mostly anything but suicide country.
Get a cool scroller sign at MyToolSpace.com
Movies:
Comedies and action comedies are my favorites. True Lies, Pulp Fiction, Forrest Gump, Garden State. I have about 300 DVDs in the Lobster collection.
Books:
Time Lifesâ„¢ "HOW TO BUILD YOUR VERY OWN SEX ROBOT". This book is filled with not only the instructions to put such a machine together, but also gives you great tips on how to biotch-slap a robot.
