goosekeeper

CURRENTLY WORKING ON: "The Lodger"
"
I have never really owned any geese, but I ate one once and was attacked by another after taunting him with, " I ate your brother, I ate your brother!" I'm 30 yrs old. I'm a native to la but feel like an alien. I was born in a bad neighborhood in Los Angeles.
I was not born in a hospital; instead I was born in 'our part' of a duplex where my parents lived at the time. My mother gave birth to me naturally, and I think her for not drugging us and enduring whatever pain she did, pain I'm sure I can't even imagine. The last time I saw this house it was literally covered in graffiti.
My conception wasn't intentional but I was thought of as a blessing by my parents.
They were never married and parted when I was about four years old.
My father left, but stayed in Los Angeles. He has remarried twice. The place we lived in after the duplex was a one-bedroom apartment in southern Los Angeles. We lived there from about when I was two or so until I was about seven. This is where we lived when my father left. I remember the day he left, there was a fight. I remember thinking, "anything but this". I loved them both but knew that this couldn't go on. I remain in contact with him to this day. He's a good man. He is remarried now and had another son. This would be my half brother, Benjamin. I am about twenty years older than him. My father's new wife already had a son, Dakota (Cody) who is a good few years older then Benjamin. At the apartment we lived in when I was between 2 and 7 or so we lived, the three of us, my mother, father, myself along with five small dogs and a morning dove named Marcus and a sparrow named Sparky.
Our landlord there was a guy named Bill. He was the inventor of those little hologram key chain things that looked like a three dimensional eye which later found their way into the frames of glasses as a joke or party prop. Going with my mother or father to his apartment was one of my biggest joys growing up there, for he had an authentic R2D2. It was full-sized and was normally fully remote controllable. It wasn't a rip off or imitation, it was the real deal from the film. To me this was the coolest thing. He also had authentic masks from the original Star Wars. He had Darth Vader, Storm Trooper and a Yoda head, or mask. I don't know how he got these but the man was like a hero to me for having them. When in this age range I was all about "space stuff" as I called it. Sometime in this time period I also developed some obsessions. One was, me having to have a brown marble on a brown stick. I guess I'm the one to ask, but please don't. It came out of nowhere, still I remember it but don't have an explanation for it. Man, was I obsessed tho. The world was ending because I didn't have it tho. My mother being the angel she is, searched for this elusive brown marble for a week or two, during which time I threw tantrums and suffered in it's glorious absence. I think when my instrument of happiness finally was found it was merely a drumstick type thing from a xylophone. Once I had the thing, the obsession ended and that was it. My mother moved us from that apartment, to our first house when I was about seven years old. It was closer to where she worked and we didn't own a car. She'd found a woman, an associate of hers to split the rent with. Now, this lady was a bit crazy. Somehow she was able to see dirt on the surfaces of thing that on one else could. She would get quite mad at this dirt too, where she would then press her finger down onto it getting her tiny imaginary enemy to stick to the end of her finger, from here she would flick it into an ash tray of all things. She was bona-fide crazy in other ways too. After she left, good riddens, which I think she did because of me, we ended up renting out rooms to travelers. We had all kinds of people living there. Some ended up being criminals, who stole from us, or who moved out and later came back to rob us. One time I woke up from my sleep on a couch-bed in the dining room to find the door open, the VCR was gone and there was a knife in wall next to the open door. We were pretty sure who did it and bars went up on all of the windows after that. Whoever it was, was really stupid tho, in that the knife's original purpose, before scaring the isht out of us and making us question our safety, was to help in sealing the VCR, which were very expensive those days. The moron used the knife to cut the power cord. Instead of unplugging it, this dope saws thru it with an ordinary table steak knife. All that was left of the VCR was the half of the power cord that was still plugged into the wall. I guess everyone lost that night. What an idiot. After the not so good room mates and a good few years of very hard work, my mother's career starts to take off. Her and a friend end up starting up a company to represent artists. My mother was the first artist and others followed. No longer needing help with the rent from strange criminals, we live there alone. Our pets move from an abundance of dogs to an abundance of cats. We ended up having about 16 of them, maybe more. We fed a bunch of wild cats that lived on the porch, the "porch cats". We ended up trapping most of them and having them spayed and neutered. In 1988 my friend invited me to a baseball game. It was game six of the National League playoffs, Dodgers vs. Mets. I was hooked after this. Baseball became my next big thing. All I did was play baseball after this. Everywhere I went, everywhere, I had a baseball glove with me, almost always on my hand. All of my friends played baseball. Well all were sure that we'd end up in the major leagues. This went on for years, I ended up getting slightly interested in girls and had a few crushes, tho none could compare to my love for baseball. I ended up kind of seeing a local neighborhood girl. We did heavy petting and a lot of kissing. I couldn't get enough of her. One day my friend and I were riding our bikes to another neighborhood, I must have been 14 at the time, and the neighborhood I was going to happens to be the one I live in now, when I was hit by a car. Me, on my bike and the uninsured Armenian fellow in his car; we ended up getting into a head-on collision. It was an unofficial game of chicken and he won, but you should have seen his face as he slammed into me. He looked like a total chicken, aside from being short of a beak. I jumped off the bike as the car slammed into it and was hurled into the air over the car. I guess I ended up landing on my right hip. I have had lower back pains and hip problems that turn on every once in a while since then. I rode my bike back home and when the girl that I was kind of dating saw me and found out that I had just been hit by a car, she didn't seem to care at all. She just sat there and continued talking to all of the other boys she was hanging out with. A friend told me to lose her and I did. I just stopped talking to her and didn't talk to her for the next ten or more years! I think now that I went a bit overboard with it, but I didn't know better at the time. All of this was completely new to me. Almost a year later a friend introduced me to another girl who I thought was the prettiest girl ever to walk the face of the Earth. This girl was mixed, father was black and mother was white. We ended up dating because this mutual friend of ours had lied to the both of us telling one that the other really liked and wanted to go out with the other. She played both sides beautifully. With this built-up confidence protecting me, and my every move, for there was none wrong which I could make. We ended up going to a movie and it was wonderful. I felt like I was dreaming, it was wonderful. I became obsessed. I continued playing baseball but not nearly as much.
Any free time I had was spent on her. My baseball "career" hit the rocks due to my back, which went out during a practice one day while I was batting. I temporarily lost my ability to walk that day. After seeing a lot of a chiropractor who saved me from arthroscopic back surgery, I continued playing baseball, but in high school now. My best friend at the time, who was inseparable from me for the past good few years both tried out for the baseball team. We both made the team. He had a hard try-out for he was competing for the position of 1st base with the already existing team captain, Justice, who was so pissed off to see how his status as ass-kissing team captain was being threatened. I made the team as second baseman after the fellow who was running the try-out couldn't hit a ball past me. Just before the season started, my friend broke both of his arms, while running and jumping off of a stack of mattresses in order to slam-dunk. His feet kept going while his hands stopped at the rim, leaving him an uncomfortable landing on his arms, with his face to the sky. He didn't play that season and I wouldn't play without him. This is when I stopped playing baseball altogether. It was fine because I had her. Now all of my time was devoted to her. It seems now, while writing this and looking back, that it was baseball that held my friend and I together so tightly. I dropped every other aspect of my life other than her. She became my life and a seven or so, on and off relationship was now well under way. The first time she broke up with me was six or so months after we met. She had quite the quality friends, too. Thru knowing her, I got to know them. In order to get in better with her I got in better with them and the things they did, after all, they were her friends and what they did must be cool. This is where graffiti comes in. sooner or later she breaks up with me, don't really know why. Probably because of how openly obsessed I was with her. For one thing it must have annoyed her, and on the other hand she knew I was her pink little pinky ring. I wasn't going anywhere and she knew it. But she was moving on to other boys and I was left in ruins. I had a poor replacement tho and that was graffiti. From here on I developed a "fuck the world" attitude and with enough depression and time spent with these stupid taggers, running around, writing on busses, walls, and just about anything else, I got to the point where I didn't care enough anymore and started smoking weed. I had already started drinking by this time and was climbing up that ladder, the one of many which all lead down.
Now I'm high and drunk all the time. Still, I am a genius at hiding this from my mother, but what I cannot hide is the fact that I'm just not doing well as a person. From here she sends me to a boarding school in New Mexico, out in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of really bad and screwed up kids, racists and hicks. I spent the next 7 really long months here, trying to get out. No matter what I tried I just couldn't do it. I, after a while, ended up putting on a show. I was a changed man now. A good guy who was not only doing well, but wanted to be a good person and was done with his previous ways. It was all crap tho, all lies. It was just my latest attempt at escape. Turns out that Lenin was right, "A lie told often enough becomes the truth." And by the time I got home I didn't want to stop my "act". It took me going home to realize that it was no longer an act at all. I was only supposed to be back for the Holidays but, man, I wasn't planning on going back at all! No way! I was seventeen now. I had gotten back in communication with my ex while in New Mexico and was looking forward to a possible repair to an old relationship. We were back together as soon as we saw each other. The problem was we dumped the guy she was seeing to go back with me. This guy was 35 years old and she was 17. He was psychotic and violent. His violence was aimed mostly at himself tho. When he would get mad or upset he would beat the crap out of himself. He never threatened me, in many ways he was a pussycat but had problems up there and after a while he pretty mush just disappeared from the picture altogether. Shortly after being back I screwed up. We were supposed to have a party at my house. My girlfriend, and some friends from home along with a girl I was in school with at "the ranch" with in New Mexico were all to have a good time and do a bit of drinking to celebrate good times. Something happened and I was very quickly becoming sure that my girlfriend was going to leave me again. We grew impatient and started the party without her. I drank a lot, as did everyone. By now, being well past drunk, and more than sure that my girlfriend was gone again, I started certain forbidden activities with my friend, the girl from school. We went just short of intercourse, and although she begged I was somehow able to keep my cool and not go that far. My girlfriend called during, and I immediately told her what I had done, at the same time as helping my "friend" out the window. I was so sure that I'd lost her, when I hadn't, that I made it so. I spent the next few months trying to get her back, trying to show her that I was for real and was trustworthy. During this time I went and babysat her little brother for her parents who had Chicken Pox. My mother was sure that I'd already gotten them so it was safe for me to be around him. Turns out that I had never had them before. I got the Chicken Pox at just shy of 18. I had them for over a month and had them everywhere. Every surface of my body was covered with them, inside and out. I also had Pneumonia. At one point, my temperature went up to 105 and I was delusional. After this wonderful experience, pretty much everyone I knew wanted me to go back to the ranch. I figured, I was going to turn 18 in just a couple months and if they treated me badly enough I would just leave after my birthday. I went back and they treated me like isht. The girl from the party went back before me and told everyone that I had practically raped her. Her boyfriend at the school was an ex-neo-Nazi skinhead from Colorado. Probably the toughest guy I have ever met. He was trained to fight by being in countless racial brawls back in Colorado and then was trained in hand to hand combat by a crazy ex-marine / Viet Nam Vet who used to work at the school. Felt like everyone at that school hated me, she'd really done a number on them. They had implemented a new thing there since I'd been gone. They took the troublesome kids and stuck them way up out on a mountain with the black bears, wolves and other wild animals. When I got back I was one going. We all slept in a canvas tent with two propane heaters. It was damn near ready to snow out there and was rainy most of the time. My Pneumonia came back and I was dying up there. My breathing at night kept everyone up, kind of sounded like two robots made of rocks and sandpaper fighting. Still, they didn't let me down. I still hadn't seen my friend, the boyfriend to the girl at the party. This was until he came up to the mountain to help out. I knew why he was really there tho. He came up and asked me to go for a walk with him. I knew what the purpose of this walk was. He wanted me far enough away to have good privacy while he beat me like I'd never been beat before. I didn't hesitate and actually wanted the beating. We walked and talked. We talked about that had happened. He asked me questions and I gave him answers. He asked if I did this or that and I either said yes or no. He became more and more mad as this went on. And, it went on until the entire event had been covered. Just when he seemed he would pop and the ass whooping of a lifetime would begin, he stopped walking and told me that my answers were more honest than hers were. She'd already been thru it with him and her story had apparently changed many times. He concluded that I was being honest with him about the whole thing and had to realize that I was willingly and knowingly going out to be battered for what I'd done. I never received that beating but still wish I had for what I'd done. It still, to this day is the one thing I wish I could undo to this day. Our friendship was stronger after this. They continued to treat me like isht at that school, even after the long ride back down the mountain to the ranch, in the back of the pickup, with the dead, frozen jackrabbit. My birthday comes along and nothing changes. In fact, they treat me worse. So, I leave. After getting back home my girlfriend and I end up back together after a while. A couple weeks later she cheats on me. She'd invited a guy into her room at the school she was going to and fell asleep. While she was sleeping, he climbed on top of her and began. She woke up and didn't even pause. I considered that we were even. I felt that I had deserved it and honestly, it didn't even bother me. But it doesn't stop here. She cheats and cheats; she ends up with his brother too. I can't tell you how many times she cheated because I don't know. And this goes on for years. Yes, and I am the fool here. I finally broke it off with here for good when I was about 21-22 years old. She's had other boyfriends since and has cheated on every one of them. She cheats on the people she cheats on her boyfriends with. I had reverted back to drugs as my solution but this time the pain was too bad, I still enjoyed the high but the more I did it the more I hated myself and my life. I finally did a detoxification program, which was wonderful! I get serious about life and force myself to just move on. Now, I am single for five or more years. For the first few years I am convinced that women are the devil, I don't even miss them. I'm still friendly with my ex at this point but know better now. At about the age of 20 I start going to art school. I also got heavily into billiards. My time was split in half now, half to studies and the other half to billiards. I got pretty good at it and really, really enjoyed it. In art school I studied mostly classical drawing. I was blessed with the teacher of all teachers. (ww.vilppustudo.com) And here goes my newest obsession. I start drawing like mad. I'd drawn here and there and had always been referred to as a natural, just had never been passionate about it, untill now. For the next few years I do nothing but draw. I take sketchbooks with me everywhere; I draw everything, all the time. I soak up this drawing thing like I'd been dried out of everything moist I'd ever had. Now I was wet, I had something to really do. It was exciting, I loved it, and this was now my thing. I had found it and now had a direction to move in. this is pretty much all I do for the next few years along with studies of self and life and, at night, billiards. Then, one day after submitting my portfolio to the same people who represent my mother for quite some time, I get the call. It was my first professional job. They had run out of artists and didn't want to loose the client, so they called me. I did quite well and impressed everyone and from that point on I was pro. Things came to a point where something had to give. It became a toss up between drawing/career and pool. Pool lost. I started taking my new career much more seriously and after a quick break up with the cue stick my focus becomes my work. After a while I decided I needed a vacation. I was very lonely and just tired of being in LA. I'd been here my entire life and hadn't been anywhere else. So, I up and go to Italy in 2001 for a drawing tour with my teacher and some art students. I went alone with nothing planned except for my tour, which wasn't ready to begin yet. I traveled Italy, thru Tuscany and another region I can never remember the name of. The last city I was in was Roma. I was there for a week, in a hostile. I was out all night, roaming the streets, sketching and taking photographs. From there I took a train to Paris where I stayed with my friend who lived there at the time. I was there for about two weeks and then went home. I had been dreaming up this person, this person that I wanted to meet. You know, the girl of my dreams. I wanted to go back to Italy again as soon as possible. I now wanted someone to go back with. I wanted to meet this person I'd been dreaming of and wanted to steal them, take them with me. A romantic place can be a lonely place when you are alone. So, I'm back and things are going as they were before I left. My ex is having a birthday party and I was invited. I decided to do something else instead but at the last minute, changed my mind. At the party there was this person. This was an interesting person. She floated around, while everyone else walked. I didn't think too much of it at first, just thought she was interesting. I wasn't really attracted to her that much- just thought she was interesting. The night went on, and the longer it went, the more she filled my eye and mind. By the end of the night I was asking my ex who she was and so on. My ex and her little sister end up doing some matchmaking and soon I have her number. I try calling her a week later to see if she might want to see a movie with me. I was given the wrong number and quickly forget about the whole thing. My ex calls and gets it going again. A few days later my ex needs to borrow some money for rent and stops by to collect a check. She brings her friend. Sparks start sparking although they weren't too bright to others for we were both very shy to each other. Speaking for myself tho, they were so bright that I was blinded by them. Soon after that I found out that she was raised in Italy. Sparks galore! Days later, my friend and I are going to the movies with my ex and my soon to be new girlfriend. We saw Minority Report. She didn't like it too much. In fact I thought she didn't like me either. She was sweet and kind but didn't seem interested at all. While I was thinking it was just another strike out, it turns out that I was wrong. We became very close, in very little time. We both had intentions of taking things very slowly but couldn't help it. Even with how quickly things went, it felt like forever. I fell in love again for the first time in what felt like ages. This time tho, there was maturity involved. Still I had my scars from my past relationship that I had to bear. I've been scared to get too close to anyone; scared that if I show them just how much I feel for them, that they will just end up taking advantage of it. Well, turns out that I may have had it backwards this time. My uncontrollable plan was to not show everything, to let things build, to not call her every time I felt like it, to not tell her I loved her every second I thought it, which was every second. Besides, I was shy. I've always been shy and still am to this day. By the way, I'm 26 years old now. On top of all this, I'm also scared that I will freak her out, and chase her away by being "too much"; I didn't want to smother her. I wanted to keep her. I figured that if I held enough of it back, and let the right amount leak out things would be just fine. Well, they weren't. She took it very personally. She felt that I didn't really like her. She wasn't getting the attention she wanted. From here bad things happen- won't get into details, they're not mine alone to give. My life went from its highest point, to its lowest point in about a half hour one Saturday morning. I stayed in contact with my new ex although I had told myself to turn and walk, no matter what, should this ever happen to me again. I contemplated giving a relationship with her another chance. This too was something I told myself I would never do again. And I did. The results of what had happened were more far-reaching than I had imagined, it wasn't over and things were much worse than I knew. I was suddenly living in a bad movie. This was the kind of movie that if I was watching it, I would have to stop or at least laugh, due to it's unrealistic contents. But here I am living this thing out. Things like this don't really happen! Do they!? Events like these don't really happen, unfold and build upon each other like this! Do they? And they were. They did. I was in hell, and still in love with someone who looked like they were suffering from guilt, from what they'd done. We'd been drawn closer together by this. Close IS what I wanted but not by means such as these. Forgiveness was begged for and it is what I gave. I warned her that I would be different from this point on. I warned her that I would have a hard time trusting and expressing. I already had a hard time with all of it from things in the past, now my past has been restimulated, it's been tossed up in front of my face, a filter to view all thru. I knew that she would forget what we'd gone thru much faster than I would. For a long time she was understanding and patient. But everything runs out sooner or later. I loved her, seriously and my hurt outlasted her patience. Much of our troubles can be traced back to my first girlfriend who'd been there the entire time. She loved getting people together, loves match making but this is only due to the fact that she really loved tearing things down. You have to have something to tear down in order to tear something down, and if that means building something, fine, at least later I get to watch it fall. I won't go too far into her because she just doesn't deserve the attention. She deserves about as much attention as a mountain can give while she tumbles down its side. So, to get back to what I was saying- things just aren't working and I don't feel needed or wanted any more. She stops coming home and starts spending time with friends, I'm being drifted away by this slow but steady breeze blown by her. My birthday comes around. It's the morning of my birthday and we wake up to see each other as our first sights of the day. She seems happy and excited. But, I see it, I see thru her. She isn't happy with me anymore. She was planning to get me a really cool gift for my birthday but nothing she could possibly get me would end up being a replacement for what I could now see myself losing in the near future. I demanded the truth. If it was to die, I wanted a quick death. I used my birthday as leverage, to her dismay. I told her I wanted the truth for my present. She gave it to me. My life, our relationship and all of the plans I had made, all lost that day, the day I turned 28. And, later that night, after the cake, smiles and singing she was gone again. My life starts changing in undesirable ways. For the first time in my life stress is affecting me. My body, on the inside, is running a million miles an hour. Meanwhile, on the outside it's falling apart. My adrenal glands get more use than they are designed for. Soon they become my only source of energy and then they burn out. Now I'm 27 years only and feeling like 94 year old. I'm sleeping about 18 hours a day, crying when awake, heck man, waking up made me tired. I then lost my appetite and this tossed in with the stress and the adrenals and I am losing weight very quickly. Started seeing blood in the pot when I was done "sitting" and so on. Went to the doctor who said she wanted to have tests done on me. I had tests done, unpleasant ones. There were fears of cancer and other things. Turns out I have an ulcer, no big deal. Then, a couple of months later, my recently lost girlfriend shows up to be with me at the hospital. I fell asleep with an IV in my arm and one of those little smocks on, freezing, waiting for the doctor to come and probe me. I woke up with blankets and the sight of an angel. She stayed with me the entire time and waited for me to finish my procedure. Then she revealed what she'd been up to the past few months during which I had almost no contact with her. She'd gotten to the point where she felt all was lost with us and any future would be one that of pain. She lost herself and did things she would later regret, things that weren't her, things to forget me that would hopefully chain me to that brick wall in the past. Finding these things out crushed me again. She was different now tho and seemed to have really realized things. We end up being back together again, but not fully. I still didn't trust her all the way. I felt owed and went about having a relationship with her as I did in the past, except I wasn't openly in a relationship. I wouldn't acknowledge that we were acting and living as a couple. It wasn't that I wanted anyone else and I wasn't embarrassed about her. I just didn't feel that she deserved that acknowledgement so soon after everything had happened. To me these were serious things and by me just taking her back, back to normal, I would be reducing these things from devastating to minuscule. But they were devastating. I didn't want to lose her in the first place and now that I had a chance to have her again I didn't want to lose her now, but, at the same time, she didn't deserve it. I went half way in between and this kind of thing will never work. She got fed up and left again. And now things are just sounding silly to you. I've been officially single now since then. There were some warmer moments and rendezvous where sparks flew again, but things always shake back down. We are different people. We travel in different directions, and are headed to different destinations. You must travel together, by means of the same path, each hoping to arrive at the same point, helping each other along the way or, you'll just be slowing each other down and wasting each other's time. This becomes a sad situation when the two of them really care about and want to be with one another. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. The saddest part of this whole thing was / is that the changes in needed to see in her were changes she wanted to see in herself, and it's all out of my hands at this point. Meanwhile, my career continues go well. Just recently did my first movie, which is something I had been wanting for years. And this pretty much brings us up to the present. So, some things about me in the present- I bite my fingernails. I like the word "swell", as in, "hey, that's swell!" I use sealing wax on my letters, but not when I mail them for then they have a hard time going thru the mail processing machines. I collect pens. I have spent as much as 600.00 dollars on a single pen. I have thousands of dollars worth of pens. I usually have about six pens on my at all times, and not for the purpose of "getting numbers". I draw for fun, I draw for work. I like Macs over pc's, tho have one of each. I smoke like I'm burning. I drank a lot when I was a teen, pretty much quit now tho. I suk at speling. I think too much. I hate cleaning and can't cook. I believe in 100% honesty. I hate liars, they can burn in hell, and they will. I have one fish too, he is the last of the gang who were to be turtle food; they were fast, I guess this last one was the fastest. I spend my money freely, that is what it is for. I try not to worry about things. I worry too much. My favorite color is brown; yes, brown. I also like most other sepias and sanguine. This probably comes from drawing. When I was about three years old I pronounced yellow as "lellow". I've grown up around animals. I love them but think they are annoying. I think I get mad too easily. The U.S. is my favorite country, tho I'd rather be in Italy. I have had two fillings, one later became a crown. I have all of my teeth, never had to have a wisdom tooth pulled, phew. I smoke American spirits. I smell like American Spirits.
I really like cameras. Digital cameras are my favorite, the smaller and cooler the better. I am a sucker for love. I climb to the top and fall all the way down. I eat about 7 raw eggs a day. I hate wearing glasses, contact lenses annoy my eyes and I am scared ishtless of lasers that are aimed at my eyeballs. My favorite actor is Paul Newman. I am a northern European mutt, which means, I am German, Polish, Irish, Scottish, Swedish and Finish. I hate my cable provider. The service is inconsistent. My cable going out is what prompted me to start this idiot thing. I wear a fedora and it's not an attempt to be cool. I care about what other people think of me, just not enough and wish I didn't care at all. I'm not still in love with my ex girlfriend. I don't have much to give, but when I give, I give my all and for me that is a lot. Maybe that is why they cheat on me. Go figure. I do. I've been going and figuring my entire life, when it comes to women. Maybe I just pick the wrong women. Why is it that so often the ones I am not looking for look so much like the ones I am? That wasn't really a question. I really like the show called "curb your enthusiasm". It is funny. I think that people who eat too much are full of shit, or at least they will be. I am in the NRA. I own three guns; don't be scared, unless you're a bad guy. ooh, rarrr! My favorite animal is an owl. I am a better listener than talker, a better draughtsman than writer and a better lover than any dead man, and wish I were even better than I am at all of these. I talk in my sleep, so they say. I am camera shy.
I am insecure. I am complicated and know it. I am hard to get along with. I travel on tight and narrow roads. There is no room for fellow travelers who wander and sway. I might be too open, too honest. I figure that anyone worthwhile will find all of this out anyway. I take long showers. I shower in the nude. Sometimes I sleep with my clothes on. I haven't been getting much sleep. Often times, I sleep when I should be awake and am awake when I should be sleeping. I don't like my hair, but I'm glad I have some. My favorite painter is John Singer Seargent. My favorite draughtsman is Peter Paul Rubens. I love being left alone. I hate being lonely. I love beauty. I think the sexiest part of a woman is the back of her neck. Tho, a callipygian could snap mine by turning it so. I am more conservative than liberal. Conservative thinking may not be too in style and may loose me jobs in Hollywood but it just makes more sense to me. It, over all, seems more sane. I wish I had a bigger vocabulary. I wish I could write poetry that moved me. If I had one super power it might be to be able to fly, then again, it might be to be able to read the minds of all women. I can't imagine what I would find, but I'm sure it would be amazing. When I was about six years old I punched out a window and wasn't cut. I brush my teeth every morning and every night, tho I do not floss enough. My grandmother's dentist (may she rest in peace) had a sign up in his office, which read, "only floss the ones you want to keep". Thought it was clever. There are some people I think about every day, others Im sure I can't even remember and a few I wish I could forget. I dwell on my past, as does everyone else, tho I think in terms of futures. I use old spice deodorant. It smells good. I really like my hair when I rinse with Pantene. I can't use it now because it reminds me of my ex girlfriend. I think I see her in nearly every car that passes me. I guess I would qualify as a hopeless romantic, although I think the term is flawed. Hopeless romantics are those who just keep failing, but this implies that they keep trying as well. Obviously, they are full of hope and very little reward. They should be called hopeful romantics. I love the idea of being a romantic. You can be romantic about more than just romance. A person whom is honestly romantic with his whole life is a person who is really living. I love art, real art, and this does not include modern or contemporary art. I think modern art should be left to the monkeys and dolphins. Modern artists are not real artists; they are art critics who rave about their own colorful messes. Flushing paint down a toilet and photographing it is not art. Throwing paint at a canvas like a child having a fit in preschool is not art. Don't like shoelaces, they hurt my fingers. I wish I were somewhere else. I miss being a child.
Children are as close as it comes to perfect people. People are born perfect and grow farther and farther away from perfection. Some grow into monsters, no longer worthy of being called people; others, a select few, swim upstream and evolve into actual adults. Having bills and a car doesn't make you mature. Being as honest and pure as a child, while truly responsible, now that is mature. I like to think I'm great, then, realize that I am not. I type the old, classical way, with my fingers in the correct places and without looking. If I look I can't tpye lat alll... see, I looked. I love wood, not that kind of wood. I don't like paint unless it is on a canvas. I like insects so long as they stay away from me. Roaches, tho, they are just awful, can't stand even looking at them. I think that people who lie should be forced at gunpoint to tell the truth to those they lie to, then should be told they are being let go, then shot. I like trees, but do not hug them and feel that people who do need more friends. I learned that I am a natural golfer and that I have a great swing, too bad, I don't really like golf. I would like to live on a boat. I don't know how getting my mail would work and don't know how I would have the Internet. There is no place I am fully comfortable in and this is a bad thing. When I love tho, I am comfortable anywhere. Home is where the heart is, right? I do believe in love although I sometimes doubt that I have never received it outside of family and friendship. I hold to my belief that it is possible because I have personally given it so much. I killed a bat once. It was an accident. It was flying at me, I held up a piece of cardboard and the little guy flew into it. This killed it. I felt bad. It was a cool looking animal. Blind things should not be so fragile. I hate all people, yet love them so. People, in general, as a race, have so much potential, yet, are the bane of earth. I think that environmentalists should be chopped down at their ankles. I think that gay people are good people who just need a bit of straightening out. I think that honey is one of the best things that nature has to offer. I like water so long as it isn't too hot or too cold. I love the snow, tho I never see it. If I saw enough of it I would probably come to hate it. I miss my grandmother already. Both of my ex-girlfriends have a fetish for stealing lighters. I think they both just completely fail to recognize that lighters can in fact be property too. I am assuming that this is going to be the most boring "about me" on myspace, but possibly one of the longest, I refuse to use 'outgoing', 'open-minded' or 'spontaneous' as do so many other people. Hey! I just used them! Darn, too bad I wasn't talking about myself, phooey. Spontaneous? Sure I can be, altho I plan my life so that I can have times where I can be spontaneous so I don't know if that really counts. Outgoing? No. I have never walked up and asked a girl for her number. To me the idea of it is just stupid. To me it would just be more honest to walk up and say, "Hi, I'm an idiot."... and yes, I do believe myself to be one much of the time. Open-minded, as far as that goes, I find that the people who complain about others being close-minded and whom refer to themselves as being open-minded are often the most close-minded people out there. They are 100% open-minded within the bounds of their own beliefs, step outside them tho and they will chop you up and shoot you down like you were a born mistake. To a degree we are all like this and the only folks who can ever really begin to attempt to start to claim to be open-minded are those who at least attempt to see the point of view of others. When I do my laundry I am very prompt about getting the clothes into the washer, fairly decent about getting them into the dryer, and there they stay. I love shopping, I have been told I am like a woman and so long as they are not talking about reason that does not insult me. I feel that men are too simple and that women are too complex. I am too complex to be a normal guy and too simple to get along with most women. I find that women confuse me by the way they over-complicate some things that to me are simple and I find that my simple-mindedness annoys the isht out of women. On her death-bed my grandmother peeked back into life, from death and said," this isn't the way I thought it would be." I found it profound. It was like talking to a dead person who only began to tell you what death was like. I think that Ronald Reagan was a better president and Bill Clinton was a better actor. People who liked Bill Clinton are the ideal Hollywood audience. I don't like basketball and hate the Lakers.... oooh, how taboo!!! It's funny that I would be so passionate about hating something I am so impassionate about. I have this thing when it comes to things I like. When I find some fun, neat, cool or useful thing I must have more than one. There must always be a backup one that never gets used, it's purpose is to just be there, in good condition, only as an idea really- to say, go ahead, use the one you are using, I'll be right here just incase. It is really stupid, I must admit. I end up with these things that just sit there. As far as love goes I am quickly becoming quite burned out. I am compensating by becoming more and more interested in things that not only have I neglected but that also don't require other people so much. I am a conspiracy theorist and also a realist, a bit of a contradiction, yes, but aren't all conspiracies real to those who believe them to be? I don't see all conspiracies to be realities. I just simply refuse to believe that all of reality is exactly as it appears to be. I believe in deceit for I have been deceived and have deceived others as well. I believe that things always have an appearance, but that things aren't always the way they seem to be. I don't see how so many people can feel that they are getting away with saying, in their about me section that they are "spontaneous", "open-minded" and what not. I feel it&..39;s saying a whole lot of nothing. Just leave the darn thing blank if you're just going to write when so many other people do. When unique becomes commonplace, boring turns to exciting and common transforms into rare. I'd rather tell you things that my close friends (the few I have left) know, true things like that I carry a sketchbook everywhere I go. If you can muscle me into a disco, you still won't be able to muscle the sketchbook from me. And while you are in there "getting your groove on" with the rest of the monkeys I'll be sitting there like a classic nerd with my book drawing, bearing the cotton-candied countenance of a child at the zoo.
I also spend too much time in the restroom; I have problems- plural. I draw there as well. You may cringe and if you do then you are a person I want to make cringe. If you are out to have a perfect and meaningless friendship with an idea of perfection, try someone else or better yet go to yahoo, most people there are perfect. You just may be on the wrong sticky thread of the web. Sometimes I just add people because they are pretty. I like things that look good. I see beauty on the inside much clearer than beauty on the outside, especially when I'm just reading words on a screen. I'll add just about any artist I find, unless they're some sicko, mess-maker prowling about under the guise of "artist". I am not out to have as many friends as possible. I am not scared to delete people. I never return my rented movies on time. They always come back weeks late. I could buy a stack of DVDs for the cost I pay in late fees in one go. For some reason I just don't give a hoot. I seem to get a kick out of finding out how much I owe each time. I rarely get enough sleep. I either get way too much or way too little rest, tho, when all is said and done, I slept as much as everyone else, just on my own time. I don't have multiple personality "disorder" because it doesn't exist, but I wish it did sometimes. That way I could fight my self, have great discussions, and who knows... maybe even date myself! Wait, would that make me gay or just crazy?.. eh, I don't think there's too much of a difference. I think people who drink diet soft drinks are silly. It's a diet/not-diet. It's like taking a bat to the side of the head to avoid getting a noogie, because we all know how much noogies hurt. I pluck my eyebrows. Not to mold them like a fluttering fairy, just to keep myself looking as un-ugly as possible. I'll keep my eyebrows plural please. I'm just going to get more and more ugly as time ticks on anyway, might as well try to fight it the best I can. I don't think I could ever "get 'buff". I'm somehow related to two ex presidents. John Adams and John Adams Jr. I know, it seems like a bit of cheat but they were in fact two different men. Some of my many descendants are of the Cosgroves of Ireland who were (are?) a rival clan to the Kennedy's. I'm just glad I'm not related to the Kennedy's!! I have some people complaining about how long my about me is. That is the whole idea. "He" calls it a "book". Well, if it is a book he calls it, a book I must write for him. So on and on I will write. An accumulation of junky facts about me I will dump here regularly. I hate in movies how people never say goodbye to each other when they are talking on the phone. Is it some rule that in films this must be the case? Is there some reason? For me it just adds to whatever already existing unbelievably there is. I see it all the time and it drives me crazy. In the real world and most of the time we say goodbye to one another, except of course, when we hang up on them. In the movies tho, people are just hanging up on each other all the time. I have ugly feet. My toes have huge spaces in between them and kind of curl up, as tho they were scared of the floor. The tips of my fingers and toes are pink, while I suppose this is a sign of good circulation, I don't like they way they look. Kind of like ET but more prolific. Maybe I have magic hands. My hands are strong (no jokes please, altho you might not be wrong) my blood type is o- I think. Diet by blood type would make me a protein guy...phew! I like to eat meat. I think we should protect the environment, save plant life by eating vegans. I'm sure they would taste great, being all "healthy" and all. I am not sure what my favorite food is, possibly cookies, yum! Definitely it would be a bread of some kind. I do believe that we are at the top of the food chain, and should we be, why would soy, tofu, fruits and vegetables be our whole diet? Take cows for example. These are here to be food. Think about it; they are slow, big and fat, stupid and they taste good. Food. There are creatures here to be eaten and others to eat them and that is the way it is. Yeah, I would be really sad to see a cow die and probably could never kill one but man do I love Fatburgers! I'm tired of all these people complaining about bush. I don' t think he's the greatest guy in the world, not by any means, but man, you got to stop saying how stupid he is and then on the other hand he is this evil genius who single handedly started a war for oil. Give me a break. I personally think he is a man, who is working for evil men, faceless men who are out of the spotlight for they are behind it, who hire geniuses to do their planning. Think about it before you get your magic marker out and make your sign, before you get out your flower necklace and your sandals, before you put on your black mask and your converse all stars to run thru the streets, tossing stones at police in the name of peace and that which is right. I think today's youth misunderstand the idea of revolution. Revolution isn't good, period. If you are revolting against something bad, to bring about something better, then it is good. But if you are revolting against something with no real plan for what comes next, you are a fuggin college student. Universities should be schools that teach young people how to think, tho today they are schools that teach young people what to think. Idiots. My friend helped me add this neat ruler to measure my writing or as he calls it "book". I keep stacks and stacks of notebooks and sketchbooks. I miss drawing nudes. Unfortunately it's not as sexual as you might think, naked people and all that, still, with it being what it is, I miss it. Got to find a life-drawing workshop to go to, or someone to pose for me. I think I'll just end up hiring a model to pose for me. This way I can pick my own poses. Man I'm sure I'm rusty. You will possibly notice that on my profile it says that I am straight. This isn't true. I am normal. It should read: normal or natural. Better yet, it should read special classification not required. I don't believe in the normalizing of un-natural sexual ways. Homosexuality exists in nature, yes, sure it does. When an area becomes over populated homosexuality can exist but these are within un-natural circumstances. If you are not happy with the opposite sex and find it appealing (or fashionable) to "mingle" with the same sex or animals, hey, whatever just stay the ufck away from me and my pets. And yes, you do deserve your own special category. Just a thought from an old fashioned guy who isn't scared of hate mail or the revanche of the well-bound open mind. Have a nice, non-gay day. I am the 'would-be' blacklister who is now the blacklisted. I like water. I drink a good bit of it. Sometimes not so much, other times... so much. Water really tastes like nothing. Then you drink bad or stale water and realize how good nothing can taste. I drink Smart Water whenever I can find it. I'm often thirsty and forever stupid, so Smart Water seems the perfect thing. I believe in aiming high. Not just when selling a car or something, but in everything. I figure, what's the point in doing something if you don't do it as a professional. Besides, if you are not aiming as high as possible, in doing whatever you happen to be doing; you are only increasing your chances of you shooting yourself in the foot. Shoot yourself in the foot and what will you walk thru life with; you will be left crawling with the rest of them. I was born in the year of the dragon. I've known this for a long time, tho it never meant much to me. Dragons just always sounded like a cool animal's year to be born in. the rest of them are like pigs and rats and so on. I think if they are going to have dragons the other animals should be cool too like lions, unicorns and satyrs... why not?! Any way, a friend told me about the person born in the year of the dragon. I'm not too into astrology and all that junk. I think that people, who want to believe it, will be amazed by it tho. Any way, here is what she told me {{Dragons are born leaders. In china they represented the emperors, every Chinese parent hopes to have a dragon child. They are feisty and gifted with power and luck; most people look up to a dragon. They are idealists, perfectionists, aggressive, and determined. They are not well suited to growing old because the idea of being weak and helpless is unbearable. They are irritable, stubborn, and their words often outrun their thoughts, but their opinions are worth listening to, they give good advice. They are over proud, and have influence over people. They are enthusiastic to the point of being impetuous. They lose their temper easily. They are dauntless, dynamic and delightful. Self assured and tyrannical, they hate orders unless they are giving them. A person born in the year of the dragon knows innately how to exert authority, yet are gentle doing it. Gifted, intellectual, tenacious wiling and generous, they can do anything no matter what. If they re an artist or a scientist, they will shine.}} I cannot deny it. This was pretty spot-on. Stubborn, oh yea! Aggressive, well, in a sense... growing old... phooey! Tyrannical... ROOOAAAR! STOMP STOMP! And I am stubborn. I know it. I can be very hard to deal with, especially if we don't see things the same way. Tho I feel that I'm better than many at seeing the other's point of view. It's letting them remain wrong about it and leaving it like that, which really gets me. I like to debate. I'm quick to say I don't know if I don't. But, I try to avoid fights I know I can't win. I'm a mule, a jackass with very little ass. The men I've known and have had, as friends, have been more faithful than the women I've known. I don't believe in the whole Adam and Eve thing, think it's ridiculous. Sounds to me like Hansel and Grettle or the three pigs. But the eating the apple and giving in to sin thing with eve has got my attention. If they did exist the way written she probably just ate the apple because she was hungry. It wouldn't surprise me at all to find out that she cheated on Adam tho. Or that she was using him for his apples. I'm not too scared of death. I am scared of pain. A painful death would be horrible. The actual death part would probably be pretty darn good tho, because it would be a release from the pain. I'm getting pretty used to pain. That's not good. I love to sleep. I really love to sleep with someone I love. I never want to wake up. I just want to hold them as close to me as I can for as long as I can. When they leave, whatever the case may be, no pillow can replace them. I hear it all the time, about people using pillows as replacements for people. I give them more credit than that. I guess you can hump a pillow too; it's just not the same, not a replacement. When I fall in love I fall in love with everything about the person. The way they sit, walk, talk, laugh and smile, I notice all of their tiny little flaws and fall in love even more. The smell of a person, dirty or clean really gets me. I never like the smell in the beginning. After I've fallen tho, it's all over, that smell will either send me to heaven or straight down to hell. When I commit I stay committed. Even when it ends I stay on track. It's hard for me to commit because I am picky and will not give my heart out randomly at all. I will not give anything out randomly. I've told every secret, crime, embarrassing thing, dream, fear you name it, to the ones I have loved. I have told the wrong people. I have loved the wrong people. I still love them. I am stupid in this way. I am probably stupid in other ways too, I just don't know it because... I can be quite stupid. It is impossible to be truly stupid and know it. If someone knows they are trapped, they aren't really trapped. I always seem to get myself trapped when I fall in love. People have acted like they loved me, maybe even thought they did at one point. If I didn't need love, sex, romance that whole area of life; I would be the god of my own world. Unfortunately, this isn't the case and I am at the mercy of others in this way. I know what and who I don't want so well that these are the people I have always pulled in. sometimes I just want to say fuggit and see random people, sleep with whomever I can. Hey I'm young, this is what young healthy men do, right? Settling down is what we do when we get older. We then save the "leftovers" for the one we truly "love". No. I want to give as much of my life to someone as I can. I would have liked to have been married from the time I was 15. I want to give someone all of me, my youth and so on. I have slept with three people my whole life. I wish it were only one. The first time it was with the devil, herself. The second was with a friend, whom I really liked and wanted to love, she was not a one-man woman tho. This wasn't a secret she was trying to keep, it was just how she was playing the game I guess. I didn't want to play that way so I clocked out. I notice that these days, the common view seems to be that when you are dating someone you are really just pretty much just sleeping with them. When you are in a steady relationship with someone you are sleeping with them and only them. When you are married to someone you are just doing the former under contract. I don't miss the olden days, for I wasn't around, but I hear about them. Marriages were real marriages. Yeah, you can chop all that down and say that people weren't allowed to divorce and whatnot, but I knew my grandparents. They became each other's lives, really. They were married for somewhere between 70 and 80 years. When my grandmother passed, you could just see the life leaving my grandfather. My grandfather's heart still beats blood, but in a spiritual sense, they died on the same night. It doesn't get more romantic than that. That's what I want, but am quickly leaning the painful lesson that this is what everyone wants, I do my part. I have concluded that I was just born in the wrong period of time. Things these days are just so backwards. We tend to treat our enemies better than we treat our friends, and the people we hurt the most are the ones we are supposed to love. Dedicate your life to saving the lives of murderers on death row, and cheat on your spouse. What the hell is going on? What is the deal? I know that our bodies are animals but we have something else going on. We are spiritual beings of some kind and I know it. You may not, and that's fine. If we were just normal animals how could we destroy our own environment, starve on purpose for the sake of looks, lie, stay up all night and be exhausted just for fun and son on. Our bodies are natural. We are not. We are as far from nature as they come. Any other species of animal, you name it, live in harmony with their environments and their bodies, everything they do promotes survival, as tho they were programmed to do be that way. We, on the other hand, seem to be in constant conflict with ourselves, our bodies (take smoking and drinking for example), our environments, pretty much everything around us. To me it really starts looking like we are here to mess around, to have something to do, something to stack up, something to knock down, someone to team up with and someone to oppose. The saying that life is a game means a lot to me. Now that I have a good start, I'll go on and tell you that I am extraordinarily strong when it comes to certain things and a total puss when it comes to others. Temptation is easy for me to deal with. Well, easy might be the wrong word to use, but I handle it quite well. (continued in the who I'd like to meet section)