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Porn On The Cob

Self-admittedly not relationship material

About Me

Me, me, me, it's all about the me... so it is.

But yes, me, the thing you're here to read about obviously cos I'm great like that. Take it all, bitch. Baw deep...

So, what do you want to know? If the answer is "nothing" then I will now politely ask you to piss off. Otherwise, I hope you're sitting comfortably.

I work so I can live, not the other way around. I'm unutterably lazy. If common sense made dynamite, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose. I have severe problems explaining things to people because I can't understand why, if it feels like that in my head, other people can't get it into theirs. I have little time for stupid people (and by that I don't mean people who can't help it but people who really should know better) and neds, those fucking waste-of-space scum who could be better put to use as cavity wall insulation. I like the comfort of my flat too much and only venture outside when it's absolutely necessary. I'm not agoraphobic, I just detest other human beings.

For example, people who think they are the bee's knees, people who boast and people who big themselves up... these people should be set on fire and raped. Whether they deserve the accolade or not is immaterial, it's the crass arrogance of it that pisses me off. There are many things I'm good at but I don't make a point of letting other people know about them, that's why it's more rewarding to get to know me and find out for yourself.

Anyway, I play (or attempt to play) 6-string bass in an insane tech-thing metal band from Edinburgh called Friday Night Gunfight . We're rather good in a "melt your skull from the inside out with mad time signatures and changes" style along with the fact that we have sections that are basically heavy as fuck!

Apart from playing with that bunch of nutjobs, I have previously "treaded the boards" with 2 Glasgow bands called Godplayer and PigScum . Fantastic music on all counts, I'm just too much of a wank to play it any more. I love (nearly) all the members of both bands like brothers and want to keep it that way so it's just best I don't work with them anymore. Pulling in different directions never works.

I also like masturbating in cinemas to "Mars Attacks" and wondering if neds realise they are neds or not, an ongoing quandary...

Musician work:
(one day I'll put this stuff up in a separate profile as I want to do more session work but here will do for now)


Previous and Current Bands:
1993 - 1994 Stickleback
(aka "Stickleback Fuckwits") 1 studio recording:
The Dusty Bin 3-2-1 EP
2000 - 2005 Godplayer 4 studio recordings:
The Shape Of Things To Come
+ 3 untitled

2002 - 2004 PigScum 1 live recording:
Untitled
2006 - Present Friday Night Gunfight 2 studio recordings:
I Am The Explosion
EP 2008

Session Work:
2006 Corrode Studio, recording bass
2007 The February Solution Live, stand-in bassist:
Glasgow - Barfly
2008 Madman Is Absolute Live, stand-in bassist:
Gravesend - Leo's The Red Lion

My Interests

(Making, playing and listening to) music, cinema, food (anything Mexican, Chinese, Japanese, etc.), anything that makes me laugh, good company, good conversation and naked female flesh.

I'd like to meet:

Glen Michael, ancient STV cartoon program MC extraordinaire, and ask him why he thought a classful of kids shouting "ROAD RUNNER AND COYOTE!!!" as their requested cartoon seemed to have the effect of sticking "Bugs Bunny" on instead. Fucking wank... I'd also love to meet the person that thought up the arrangement for this video. The way his/her mind works belongs to precisely the kind of people I want in my life. Unless they rape kids in which case there might be a conflict of interests...

Bert and Ernie do grind!!!

Music:

I have too many bands in my CD collection to mention all the ones that matter... so it's good that I have a heirarchical structure that requires the higher echelons to be mentioned at every opportunity. I shall now recite the names: Between The Buried And Me, The Red Chord, Ted Maul, Cryptopsy, The Dillinger Escape Plan, Suffocation, Cephalic Carnage, The Police, Daughters, Theory In Practice, Meshuggah, Squarepusher, Converge, Death, Cynic, Gordian Knot, Shadows Fall, God Forbid, The End, Madman Is Absolute, Massive Attack, Rhapsody, Lost Horizon, Akercocke, Helmet, Deadguy, Blood Has Been Shed, Architects and about 40 thousand other bands, genres and spoon players around the globe but I'm starting to sound like a fecking teenager. If it moves me physically or emotionally (especially the latter) then I'll like it.

Movies:

Oldboy, The Matrix (1 & 2... 3 is a bit dodgy), anything with martial arts in it (Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan are gods and House Of Flying Daggers was tops), Hostel, Die Hard, 300, Batman Begins, District 13, Saw 3 (fuck me, that guy's LIMBS!!!), A History Of Violence, Serenity, Ninja Scroll, Sin City, etc. I've also found that 2 films in particular, High Fidelity and Hitch, hit too close to home in too many respects to be ignored as well

Television:

24, The Day Today, Jam/jaaaaaaaaam, Brass Eye, Prison Break, Battlestar Galactica (the newer, much darker one), Never Mind The Buzzcocks, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Spongebob Squarepants, Ren & Stimpy

Books:

Ones with pictures.

Heroes:

No one is worthy of this accolade and the ones that are won't bitch about not being listed here

FNGF

FRIDAY
NIGHT
GUNFIGHT

My Blog

Mad Max

Actually this blog has fuck all to do with Mad Max but more to do with the subheading of the film which is "The Road Warrior". Recently I was engaged in discussion with a friend about someone she...
Posted by Porn On The Cob on Thu, 08 May 2008 05:21:00 PST

Women - Natures Punching Bag

I’d like to paint a verbal picture for you.... Man: "Hey there, nice tits!"Woman: Slaps man in face. Apparently the woman’s response is acceptable. However... Woman: "Hey there, nice ...
Posted by Porn On The Cob on Tue, 01 Apr 2008 09:51:00 PST

Hat trick of news-related rants for the day

Number 3 in my trilogy of today's rants relates to this story:http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/6494651.stm That should give you a basic outline of the story but a lot of the points that anger me abou...
Posted by Porn On The Cob on Wed, 30 Jan 2008 03:28:00 PST

Smokers: Know Your Place!

Man alive, people piss me off something rotten...http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/6221074.s tm If you smoke and don't want to be frozen whilst having a fag outside then QUIT!!! Some wee fanny ...
Posted by Porn On The Cob on Wed, 30 Jan 2008 11:37:00 PST

Filthy Rich Rapist Curiosity

Have a wee read at this:http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/west_yorkshire/72168 95.stm I don't know much about the case but, if she's already been awarded compensation at the time:1) Is her new case si...
Posted by Porn On The Cob on Wed, 30 Jan 2008 04:45:00 PST

The Unwinnable War

I've been having a wee think about the "War on Terror" today and how it's impossible to win a war that has no "end of level boss" to defeat, it will potentially last forever. Now, realising all i...
Posted by Porn On The Cob on Sun, 27 Jan 2008 07:56:00 PST

Indiana Jones and The Raiders Of Political Correctness

Here we go again... http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/7204635.stm It's a children's story that is millions of years old. It's been there for ages, it's bothered no one... and then some fanny comes ...
Posted by Porn On The Cob on Wed, 23 Jan 2008 09:19:00 PST

More people around the world that deserve to die

How does stuff like this keep happening? http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7180379.stm It will never cease to amaze me that there are people out there who get into situations that they KNOW th...
Posted by Porn On The Cob on Thu, 10 Jan 2008 05:21:00 PST

You Wouldnt Steal A Car...

... But if last night's experience at the cinema was anything to go by then yes, I would. I went to see "Balls Of Fury" and, while it was an OK film, what made it shite for me was the NON-STOP FUCKING...
Posted by Porn On The Cob on Thu, 03 Jan 2008 08:17:00 PST

Im going to get my cunt kicked in for this...

Sharia Law... What is it? And what gives a bunch of religious minorities the right to think they can change this country's laws to accomodate it? You live in a country, you live by its rules. Simple. ...
Posted by Porn On The Cob on Wed, 12 Dec 2007 06:41:00 PST