Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.
Type:
Just for Fun - Totally Random
Description:
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.Chuck Norris can speak braille.Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the eff Chuck Norris is.The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.A squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."Chuck Norris used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool, he doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the eff he wants.Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.Chuck Norris never played with rubber ducks in the bathtub. His 3 favorite bath toys consisted of a radio, a toaster, and a middle aged Vietnamese man.Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's effing beef.Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the eff out of the way.Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried.Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.Chuck Norris can drown a fish.Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
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