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People! Music! Art! Design! Theory! Movies! Travel! Typography! Cities! Photography! Cooking! Psychoanalytic Theory! Architecture! Situationists! Airports! ilxor.com! Substance-style-motion-lotion-wif-gOod-viberation, graphix-matrix, travelling, analogue+digital+ photography, romance, Piercings, Body mods, tea, coffee, chocolate, hazelnut caramel frappe, Asian cuisine, Sp!cyness, PS2, Numerology, Rock Music, Motorbikes, Underground Hip Hop, Activism, Literature, History, Archaeology, Inks, XBOX, social, anti-socisial, conversations, mind blowing kisses, music, music & more good music, movies - local, foreign, arthouse whatever, Cars, The Occult, Astrology, big boys toys, past, present, future, & ppl with good IQ,EQ & BBQ. Intelligence & humility essentially mandatory ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?""Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed."What kind of people would name a bird Moses?""The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."----------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12, and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s ‘the night.’ We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves.Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”---------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------Three lads are enjoying a quiet night in a pub, when a fourth stumbles in and orders a beer. Spying the group, the drunk stumbles over, points at one of the boys and shouts: ‘I’ve shagged your mum!’ The lads ignored him and returned to their pints. He shouts again: ‘Up the arse!’ Although irritated, they ignore him again. The drunk stands up again points at the boy and yells: ‘Your Mum’s sucked my cock!’ The boy looks up wearily. ‘You’re drunk, Dad. Go home.’---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.The teller said, “Fluctuations.”The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, “Fluc you Amelicans, too!”----------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------A very successful lawyer parks his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too closely and completely rips off the door on the driver's side.The lawyer immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just bought the day before, is now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.When the lawyer finally calms down a bit, the officer shakes his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.""How can you say such a thing?" asks the lawyer.The cop replies, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.""My God!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!"---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion of the word tragedy. So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy.One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident."A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."I'm afraid not," explains the exalted leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room.Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If Air Force One carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.""Fantastic!" exclaims President Bush, "That's?right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?""Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."---------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------- *Students' stories*All of you who have grappled with student excuses... At a certain Australian University, there were four students taking Psychology. They did so well on all the essay, tests and lab, that each had a High Distinction average so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before their exam, they decided to go to Sydney and rage with some friends there. They had an enormous time. However, after all the hard partying they slept all day Sunday, and in the end, they didn't make it back to Melbourne until early Monday morning ... the morning of their final exam. Rather than risk taking the final exam with a hangover, they decided to find their lecturer after the exam and devise a plausible explanation as to why they missed it. They told her that they had gone to Sydney for the weekend to do some psychology research at the renowned university archives - with the plan to come back in time to study for the exam itself. Unfortunately, they'd had a flat tyre on the way back and did not own a spare, such was their poverty. As a result, they'd stood around staring ruefully at the tyre until the road service arrived. The delay was so extended that they'd only this moment arrived back! The lecturer requested time to think this over, and eventually agreed that they could sit their final exam the following day. The four were elated, relieved, and a little amused at the gullibility of their lecturer. They studied hard that night - all night, in fact - and went in the next day at the time the lecturer had indicated. She placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. The first short answer problem was assigned five marks. It was a simple question about the philosophy behind Humanism. Cool, they all thought in their separate rooms, this is going to be easy. Each finished the problem and then turned the page: Question . 2 (for 95 marks): Which tyre?