Christon ♥

I'd like to meet:

nomatter how hard i try my depression wont go away no mediacation worked no treatment suceeded no feeling triumphed nothing will work i have enough hope for everyone else except me they have the better chance of seeing themselves through and i must remain into the darkness until i know i helped everyone i could... * I am guilty of wearing a mask but its hard to find anyone who doesn't*I wish I could believe in God, I've tried so hard to find comfort in beliefs, But everything I've ever believed in proved false in the end, And I've been left with pains and griefs. I wish I could believe in God, Then I'd never be without a friend, I'd always have someone to talk to and never feel lonely, But I guess for me there just wasn't an ear to lend. I wish I could believe in God, And know that this struggle is worth it, That it isn't all in vain to deal with all this pain, I'd love to believe, even a little bit. I wish I could believe in God, So I wouldn't be left on my own, But there has never been any proof that He exists, At least not that I have been shown. Every time I've talked to Him, He either doesn't listen, Or doesn't care, Well I guess there is one thing that I believe, And that's that God just isn't there. "I believe in god i just believe that i could be a better chirstian but it is hard to be one when you look at the world from my eyes"
I've crossed the line, And now I'm writing out My eloquent, emotional suicide, There'll be no more tears soon, No more cause so cry, And for once I won't be lying, When I tell people I'm fine, At least not after, My emotional suicide. There is a crazy part of me, That wants to be ignored, Left to my own devices, And never, ever bored, I want my teachers to leave me, So that I can say, I've committed emotional suicide, And everything's okay. I just want to be rescued, But that ain't likely to happen, Someone to take me in their arms and make it alright, And be with me holding my hand, Through every lonely night, But as I said, that ain't going to come true, So I'll commit emotional suicide and I won't care, Whether or not I pull through. "Im not suicidal but I wish i could be threw with the mask and threw with the emotions... they hurt to bad"
Surely you must know, And surely it must show, Those looks I've thrown at you, I know you see my attitude; The occasional fight, I turn my head from your light, The odd word here or there, And I act like I don't care, It must be so obvious to someone like you, I know that I am nothing new, You've probably seen it all before, Maybe I am just a bore; But hey I'll just become a mute, Never speak a word, not even in refute, That's what I want to do, I will be a mute so I can't talk to you; You'll leave me alone, In the rain and pain, all on my own, With this heartache burning through, It's all because of you, But I know that it's not right, To want to be with you tonight, To want you to be the one to save me, I've given up on all God gave me, Take drugs and drink to make it go away, To hide the fact that I want you to stay; But now I won't say a word, I'll lock myself into a silent world, My voice has become dead it's gone, I know you'll ask me what is wrong, But I won't tell you anything, It's not worth my voice to bring Some kind of answer to your question of fate, You're just too late. "I will never be like my mom"

Music:

Sweet unloved one the fiery haired blue eyed schemer... Who came from a long line of drinkers and dreamers... Who knew that sunshine don't hold up to dark Whose goals would fail, Who sleep in the park... girl who spoke of paintings in Paris... And outlandish things to her family just to scare us... whose heart went pokin' where it shouldn't ought... Whose mother could only spit at the thought of that girl, that sweet unloved girl
Her father her father would tear out like a page of the bible... Then he'd burn down the house to announce his arrival... Her mother was doing drugs and never was home...so the lost girl carved out a little life of her own... Her mother threw clothes at her on the day that she moved Now isn't that a very strange thing to do?... For someone who never really wanted you... sweet girl, sweet me

In the battle of time in the battle of will... It's only your hope and your heart that gets killed... And it gets harder and harder Christon, to believe in magic... When what came before you is so very tragic... sad girl, sweet sad girl loved girl, sweet loved girl "my therapist said that song reminder her of me... i replaced the name Lorraine with mine... its by patty griffin she is an amazing artist"

Movies:

http://www.GlitterMaker.com/ - Free Glitter Graphics

A helpful, I hope, definition: enigma (en ig' ma), n.: a person of puzzling or contradictory character
That's me- an enigma. I doubt anybody really understands men How could the unless they'd lived my life? God knows, I dont even understand me sometimes.
Can you feel it, the sadness, can you see it, really see it inside of my eyes? It's there, i dont know how you can miss it. Sometimes I wish I could just go around with a look on my face that actually shows the way i feel inside. My best friend can see right through me, prolly cause she is usually there when i change the mask. But i dont care what she says... life gets better... not really. A lot of the things i write will prolly be sad/depressing... get over it... you dont have to be here in the first place...i will also prolly piss a lot of people off... :) i dont care tho... the ones i end up pissing off will be the ones i dont really need. dont think i sound harsh, i am really nice... ha... i am tho, its just there is a lot more to me than what you see on the outside. a lot more!

Television:

RIP Jason Kelby Allen May 2, 1987- October 21, 2001

Books:

~*SoMe FaVoRiTe PoEmS ~*
*We hold on to things the tightest, when we are forced to let them go- We always want things a certain way, when we know they can’t be so.Dreams always last the longest, when they are furthest from our reach- And the lessons we can learn the most from, are often the very ones we teach.The grass is always greenest, when it lies on the other side- And the truth we preach to others, are often those we can’t abide.We hold fast to the things in a storm, which are most likely to blow away- And yet we neglect to wear sunscreen on a bright and sunny day.We spend out time trying to see things, when perspective is one thing we lack- And we never appreciate what we’ve got, until we cant get it back.We expect the whole world to give us a break, and yet ironically we’ll find- That when others come asking the same from us we tell them they're out of their mind.We tell everyone what's wrong with this world, and we do nothing to make it right- We complain about families falling apart, and yet do nothing to keep them tight.We preach about loving our neighbors, and we teach children right from wrong- But we never set good examples for them, when real chances come along.We complain about not having enough time in out lives, to do what we must do- Yet if we were given more hours in the day, we’d use up all that, too.We desire to be close to all those we love, yet all too often look on form afar- And when it comes to the truth do we want to change, or remain forever as we are? Have you ever lived my life, Spent one minute in my shoes? If you haven’t, then tell me why You judge me as you do.*
*Have you ever woken up in the morning Wondering if this was your last day on Earth? Have you ever left your house Unsure is you'd return? Have you ever heard of a teen who got shot in his best friends back yard? Have you ever watched your best friend slowly die From drugs he’s using real hard?Have you ever seen your mom choose another life? One that doesn't include you, because of all your strife. Have you ever watched your mom Throw away her dreams? And give them to a needle Over something stupid, or so to you it seems.Have you ever sat beneath the stars Hoping god will hear? Prayed to him for you grandma, Give her just one more year. Have you ever considered suicide As the only way? Have you ever tried to hide yourself Behind the things you say?Have your ever felt like your losing your world, a world that revolves around your baby brother? Have you ever felt such pain, A pain that hurts like no other? Will you ever get him back, you might? It is a thought that dwells in your mind endlessly. A thought so bad, you have to cry your self to sleep at night?Have you ever lived my life, Spent one minute in my shoes? If you haven’t, then tell me why You judge me as you do.*
*Just a moment in this lifetime, Just a tragedy ahead. Not knowing where each turn will lead, Within seconds we might me dead.Live each day to the fullest, Do not stop to wonder why. Do everything your heart desires, In dreams, reach for the sky.Surprise at every stop sign, With its share of wrong ways and dead-ends. Statistics don’t help you with the future, They only tell you where you’ve been.With so many people among us, There are no certainties. And all it takes is just one person, to reroute history.Don’t waste one single moment, How very precious that they are. What seems a long way off, Is really not that far.*
*If when you wake up in the morning, And the hurting is so great, You don't want to get out of bed And face a world of hate.If everything goes wrong And nothing you do seems right, You just try a little harder And soon you’ll see the light.For every person who has put you down And filled your life with pain, You must strive to achieve greatness And show them that you can win.For every disappointment, For the times you are let down, There will be a better moment And you life will turn around.Because everyone feels heartache And everyone feels pain, But only those who have true courage Can get up and try again. *
*The little girl’s grandma lies dying in bed, She sits there beside her, listening to what is said. Her eyes hold tears she tries hard not to show, Her grandma smiles, for there isn’t much she doesn't know.“Sweetheart, don’t you worry at all about me, Forever you will hold me in your memory. I have lived to a rather ripe, old age, In your life I‘ve had my chapter and tonight my last page.“You will end up facing challenges, don’t give up hope, Just use your heart to make decisions, and you will always cope. One must be strong to live with successes and strife, I know this now from my experiences in life.“You’ll have many choices you'll have to make, and yes at times, your heart will break, But despite the pain and tears, you heart will always heal, Always remember to take to life, for there are so many thrills.Listen to my words dear child, and know that they are true, take it as the last gift, I have given to you. ” With a slight smile and squeeze of her hand, Grandma hoped she helped the little girl to understand.The little girl sat there speechless, thought there so much she wished to say, but she held on to her grandma’s hand as she slowly slipped away.The girl laid there, rewinding in her mind, all the shared moments all the shared times. Recalling all that was said that night, the girl laid there in tears. Promising to count all the memories, and never the years.She kissed her grandma gently as she slowly closed her eyes, And with her Grandma’s wisdom in her heart she said her last good-bye*
*I don’t want to be another statistic Some suicidal teen Who makes a choice to kill herself When the world seems too mean. She can’t go on with her life Or so to her it seems Reality has fallen short And so have her many dreams.I don’t want to be another statistic Some pregnant little girl Who met this great guy And then gave sex a whirl. She was only fifteen But it felt so right She thought they’d be together For more than just a night.I don’t want to be another statistic Some kid stung out on crack Who started at a party And now he can’t turn back. First cigarettes and alcohol Now meth, crack, and cocaine He’s been smoking it so long That now he’s gone insane.I don't want to be another statistic Some girl left in the rain who was walking home from school Then raped and left in pain. She cant tell her parents And it hurts to tell her friends She doesn't know what she’ll do To make this nightmare end.I don't want to be another statistic Some kid out of school Who dropped out early And was acting like a fool. He thought that it was boring He thought that it was dumb He doesn’t have an education But he lives on the street like a bum.I don't want to be another statistic Some stereotypical teen I’m gonna make a difference I’ll finish with my dream! I won’t end up pregnant ON drugs or even dead I won’t drop out of school Because I’ll use my head.I don’t want to be another statistic To fit into some mold Of what society thinks of kids today Because it’s getting kind of old. Not all of us are bad In fact most of us are good When will the world see us And give us the credit that they should?

Heroes:

Should I even care? Sometimes I don't want to To me, is it fair? I don't know; you?
For me to worry- Where you are and waht you're doing. Don't friends worry? Confused I am about what we're doing
And are we friends?-Yes. More that that?-No clue! At times I think- Yes If I find someone else new?
Is it right for me to wait up Just to hear about your day I have a life- Clean it up! "Stop thinking!" I want to say