Lubricious Jessica Belle

“So why do you want to be a girl?” Someone asked as I stood there next to the bar. I was dressed in a mini skirt, 4” heels and a tight girly shirt. My long curly light brown hair with blond highlights gently ran down along my ears and flowed down my back. I looked back, batted my long eyelashes and thought for a moment. It’s a question that has been asked too many times before, one I even ask myself. How can I answer a question to something that I hardly understand? All my life I knew I was different, different from the other neighbor hood boys. I remember from the early age of 4 trying on my moms’ lipstick. Sometime later I progressed to trying on bras and my aunts’ clothes by the age of 8. In my teenage years it started balloon into something that I couldn’t control. As a young boy on the verge of starting puberty my gender identity became more and more confusing. I would dress up almost with every chance I could within my own privacy. I would sneak into my moms’ clothes and fantasize that I was someone else. Throughout my adolescent years I continued to struggle. I still lived the life of a perfectly normal boy but when the lights went out and in the privacy of my own room I would transform into Jessica. I did normal things that any boy would do, build tree-forts, go fishing and have girlfriends. I tried time and time again to quit being Jessica with every time ending in failure. I always thought that maybe the urge would just go away and I would live the rest of my life as a perfectly “normal” boy. But unfortunately, that never happened. I started to realize that you can’t hide who you are. Deep down inside I am really Jessica. So, all of this time I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. I always asked myself the question: could it be possible that I was born in the wrong body? The more and more I think about that the less far fetched it seemed. What exactly is it that makes us male or female? Sure, anatomy is pretty much black and white but there has to be something more, in the brain. I’ve read reports from neurologist of the differences between male and female brains and that there is actually an area of the brain called the bed-nucleus of the stria terminalis that identifies ones gender. I guess there’s just no clear cut answer to the question, one that I can’t even answer for myself let alone even explain to someone else. Many people would argue that something traumatizing must have happened to me but I assure you that this is how I was born; it is how I identify myself. Other people create the stereotype that transgender are like they are because they are gay. In many people that is true but likely not. It has nothing to do with orientation and everything to do with gender identity. I am still very attracted to girls and not interested in men what so ever. I consider myself a lesbian Transsexual. So now I’ve met a mile stone in my life. I’m not going to suppress who I am any more. If it’s so hard for people to understand, then so be it. At least I will finally be at peace with myself.

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