We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution. I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out. I don't understand anything, so there you go … you know what my problem is? I watch too much news, man. That's my problem, that's why I'm so depressed all the time. I figured it out. I watch too much CNN, man. I don't know if you've ever sat around and watched CNN more than, I don't know, 20 hours in one day … I don't recommend that. Watch CNN Headline News for 1 hour, it's the most depressing thing you'll ever fucking do. "WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS, RECESSION, DEPRESSION. WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS …" Then, you look out your window … [makes cricket noises] Where's all this shit happening? Ted Turner's making this shit up! Jane Fonda won't sleep with him, he runs to a typewriter: "'By 1992, we will all die of AIDS.' Read that on the air. I don't get laid, no one gets laid!" I'm writing Jane Fonda: "Will you fuck this guy so we can get some good news, please?" I want to see a well-laid Ted Turner newscast: "Hey, it's all going to work out. Here's sports." I can't watch TV longer than 5 minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust. All our beliefs are being challenged now, and rightfully so – they're stupid. They got this thing in New York, Channel J. Anybody heard of it? Well, it broadcasts nothing but ads for escort services 24 hours a day. Ads like: "Call 1900-SLUT and the girl of your dreams will come to your house …" Let me tell you folks … the girl of my dreams doesn't blow fifty guys a day. The girl of my dreams I don't feel like eating a trucker's come out of her pussy … The girl of my dreams you can't play connect-the-dots with the herpes sores around her anus. The girl of my dreams I'm putting on a pedestal so I can … do nasty, nasty things to her. "Hey buddy, my daddy died for that flag." "Really? I bought mine. Yeah, they sell them at K-Mart and shit." "He died in the Korean War." "Wow, what a coincidence. Mine was made in Korea." No one – and I repeat, no one – has ever died for a flag. See, a flag … is just a piece of cloth. They may have died for freedom, which is also the freedom to burn the fucking flag, see. That's freedom. Actually, I'm against drugs being legalized, and this is why. Last weekend, my friend and I went into a farm, took some mushrooms, and we sat on a field. I looked up into the sky and saw God. He told me that there is nothing to fear, that he loves every single creature on this planet, and he showered gifts of forgiveness and love onto the Earth, and I realised that there was nothing to fear, and I loved everything … Now, if that isn't a bad thing for this country, I don't know what is. How can we continue to make weapons if we love everything? Have you seen what they're doing to movies now? They show the movie to a test audience, then change it depending on whether these 200 random yahoos liked it or did not like it, as though we are all one, as though we all have the same taste, as though, as though, as though. Folks: It's time to evolve ideas. You know, evolution didn't end with us growing thumbs. You do know that, right? Didn't end there. We're at the point, now, where we're going to have to evolve ideas. The reason the world is so fucked up is we're undergoing evolution. And the reason our institutions, our traditional religions, are all crumbling, is because … they're no longer relevant. They're no longer relevant. So it's time for us to create a new philosophy and perhaps even a new religion, you see. And that's okay 'cause that's our right, 'cause we are free children of God with minds who can imagine anything, and that's kind of our role. I'm sorry if anyone here is Catholic. I'm not sorry if you are offended, I'm actually sorry – just the fact that you're Catholic. Gotta be one of the most ludicrous fucking beliefs ever. Like these vampire priests sink their twin fangs of guilt and sin into you as a child and suck your joy of life out of you the rest of your fucking existence. The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! "Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options." I'll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. "I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs." "I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking." "Hey, wait a minute, there's one guy holding out both puppets!" People suck, and that's my contention. I can prove it on a scratch of paper with a pen. Give me a fucking Etch-a-sketch, I'll do it in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum. I'll show my work, case closed. I'm tired of this back-slapping "aren't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are. What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion? You know, I feel like I'm losing some of you here, and I want to win all of you back with this one. Let's talk about abortion. Let's talk about child killing and see if we can't get some chuckles rippling through the room here. Let's talk about mass murder of young, unborn children and see if we can't coalesce into one big, healthy gutlaugh. Ha ha ha ha! Boy, I've never seen an issue so divisive. It's like a civil war, isn't it? Even amongst my friends, who are all very intelligent; they're totally divided ..ion. It's unbelievable. Some of my friends, for instance, think these pro-life people are annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people … are evil fucks. How are we going to come to a consensus? You ought to hear the arguments around my house: "They're annoying, they're idiots." "They're evil, they're fucks!" Brothers, sisters, come together! Can't we once just join hands and think of them as evil-annoying-idiot-fucks? I beseech you. But that's me … We're pro-life." Eww, you look it! You look like you're filled with life. I was adopted by pro-life Christians when I was a kid. Does my penis make me a bad boy? That's what they told me!" Please, give me the Satan-worshipping family down the block … the ones that have the good albums. Here is my actual theory … beyond the huge, hilarious jokes I have. Here's my real theory, though: If you're so pro-life and you're so pro-child, then adopt one that's already here, that's very unwanted and very alone and needs someone to take care of it to get it out of a horrible situation. Okay? People say, "Why don't you do that?" And I say, "Because I hate fucking kids and couldn't care less." Couldn't give a fuck. Don't care at all about abortion. It's your choice, case closed, the end, bottom line. And by the way, that 3 month old kid in your belly is not a fucking human being, okay? It's a bunch of little congregated cells. You're not a human … till you're in my phonebook. I was over in Australia, and everyone's like: "Are you proud to be an American?" And I was like, "Um, I don't know, I didn't have a lot to do with it. You know, my parents fucked there, that's about all." I hate patriotism, I can't stand it. It's a round world last time I checked. Here's how I feel about gays in the military: Anyone … dumb enough … to want to be in the military … should be allowed in. End of fucking story. That should be the only requirement. I don't care how many push-ups you can do – put on a helmet, go wait in that fox hole. We'll tell you when we need you to kill somebody. I've been watching all these Congressional hearings and all these military guys and all the pundits going, "The esprit de corps will be affected, and we are such a moral …" Excuse me, but aren't you all a bunch of fucking hired killers? Shut up! You are thugs, and when we need you to go blow the fuck out of a nation of little brown people, we'll let you know. Until then … And don't tell me this is the military that protects our freedom – hey, ladies and gentlemen, there ain't no one out there who's a fucking threat to us. They don't exist. Oh – I'm talking now only of countries we don't arm first. All right, if you want to split hairs, you got a point. "Bill, what about the nations we sell arms to and then blow the fuck out of?" Okay, they might be scary for about a day! To my delight, I find that there is a different warning on each pack of cigarettes. Mine says: "Warning: Smoking can cause fetal damage or premature birth." Fuck it – I've found my brand! "Yeah, give me a carton of Low Birth Weights." Just don't get the ones that say lung cancer, you know? Shop around. It is your body. I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I recommend you look around the world in which we live, and … I don't know, shut your fucking mouth? Non-smokers die every day. Sleep tight! See, I know you entertain some kind of eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke; let me be the first to pop that fucking bubble and send you hurtling back to reality – because you're dead too. And you know what doctors say: "Shit, if only you'd smoked, we'd have the technology to help you. It's you people dying from nothing who are screwed." People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." "Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?" By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day, they'll take root. I don't know. You try. You do what you can. Kill yourself. Seriously, though. If you are, do. No, really. There's no rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, okay? Kill yourself. Seriously. You are the ruiner of all things good, seriously. No, this is not a joke, if you're going: "There's going to be a joke coming." There's no fucking joke coming. You are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage. You are fucked, and you are fucking us. Kill yourself, it's the only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself. Planting seeds. I know all the marketing people are going: "He's doing a joke." There's no joke here whatsoever. Suck a tail-pipe, fucking hang yourself, borrow a gun from a Yank friend – I don't care how you do it. Rid the world of your evil fucking machinations. I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now too. "Oh, you know what Bill's doing? He's going for that anti-marketing dollar. That's a good market, he's very smart." Oh man. I am not doing that, you fucking evil scumbags! "Oh, you know what Bill's doing now? He's going for the righteous indignation dollar. That's a big dollar. Lot of people are feeling that indignation, we've done research. Huge market. He's doing a good thing." God damn it, I'm not doing that, you scumbags. Quit putting a goddamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet! "Oh, the anger dollar. Huge. Huge in times of recession. Giant market, Bill's very bright to do that." God, I'm just caught in a fucking web. "Oh, the trapped dollar. Big dollar, huge dollar. Good market, look at our research. We see that many people feel trapped. If we play to that and then separate them into the trapped dollar …" How do you live like that? And I bet you sleep like fucking babies at night, don't you? "What did you do today, honey?" "Oh, we made arsenic childhood food. Now, good night. Yeah, we just said, you know, is your baby really too loud? You know … yeah, the mums will love it, yeah." Sleep like fucking children, don't you? This is your world, isn't it? Fundamentalist Christianity. Fascinating. These people actually believe the world is 12 thousand years old. Swear to God! Based on what? I asked them. "Well, we looked at all the people in the Bible, and we added them up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages – 12 thousand years." Well, how fucking scientific! Okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble there. That's good. You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? "That's right." Okay, I got one word to ask you. A one word question. Ready? "Uh-uh." Dinosaurs. You know, the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, and they existed in that time … you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point. "And lo, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus … with a splinter in his paw. And O, the disciples did run a-shrieking: 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid, and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw, and the big lizard became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O, so many years, inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills. And O, Scotland did praise the Lord: 'Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord.'" The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey – don't worry, don't be afraid ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up. We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter, because – it's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. - Bill Hicks
I would like to meet a girl, probably. but not just any girl. Some nerdy sort of girl, but not really, because a bunch of those kind of girls shop at the mall and listen to emo. Just sort of a passionate fan of some guilty pleasure stuff who cares more about what'll be at the theaters in three months than going out and getting wasted. Ideally, a girl who would be tolerant of me smoking absurd amounts of reefer while not being a recreational smoker herself. I guess I have sort of a Buster Bluth complex. Responsibilitywise, I'm more into a pet/owner thing than a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I need someone to take care of me. I sure as fuck can't take care of myself. Also, Tim and Eric, Jerry Seinfeld, Alan Moore, JK Rowling, Martin Scorsese, Oliver Stone, Edgar Wright, Ricky Gervais, Dylan Moran, Ellen Page, Natalie Portman, Bob Odenkirk...I was told when I grew up I could be anything I wanted: a fireman, a policeman, a doctor - even President, it seemed. And for the first time in the history of mankind, something new, called an astronaut. But like so many kids brought up on a steady diet of Westerns, I always wanted to be the avenging cowboy hero—that lone voice in the wilderness, fighting corruption and evil wherever I found it, and standing for freedom, truth and justice. And in my heart of hearts I still track the remnants of that dream wherever I go, in my endless ride into the setting sun. - Bill Hicks
Flight of the Conchords, MIA, Kate Nash, Iron Maiden, Metallica, The Who, Black Flag, Postal Service, Biz Markie, White Stripes, 38 Special, Unknown Hinson, Psychotica, Mastadon, KMFDM, Iron Maiden, Nine Inch Nails, Aphex Twin, Aphrodite, The Beastles, Bjork, Foo Fighters, Underworld, Dead Kennedys, Dead Prez, Excessive Force, Pigface, Primus, Pig, Ministry, Tori Amos, MC Chris, OGHR, Dust Brothers, Foo Fighters, Chemical Brothers, Daft Punk, Yako Kanno, Fatboy Slim, fat jon, Danger Mouse, Dangerdoom, MF Doom, Lemon Demon, Green Jelly, Rammstein, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, The Kleptones, Green Day, Dean Grey, Queen, Gorillaz, David Bowie, Iggy Pop, Silence Xperiment, DJ Quik, The Beastie Boys, Gnarls Barkley, Jay Z, The Beatles (but who doesn't like them, honestly?), MC Hawking, MC Frontalot, Cat Stevens, Soul Asylum, Mint Royale, MC Paul Barman, Dream Theater, Weird Al, The Seatbelts, Clint Mansell, Moby, Janes Addiction, Tool, A Perfect Circle, Rob Zombie, Rage Against The Machine, MC Lars, Skinny Puppy, Futuristic Sex Robotz, Pink Floyd, Badly Drawn Boy, Dethklok, Pharcyde, Fatlip, Biz Markie, the pillows, Thomas Bangalter, Bob Dylan, Iron and Wine, DVDA, Prince, The Ramones, The Sex Pistols, Public Enemy, Rage Against The Machine, Lemon Demon, Perfect Circle, Chemical Brothers, Crystal Method, OZZY
No Country For Old Men, Hard Candy, Juno (I guess), Hot Fuzz, Run Fat Boy Run, Big Nothing, Grindhouse, 300, Children of Men, Science of Sleep, Aliens, Alien, Terminator 2, The Host, Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance, Oldboy, Sympathy For Lady Vengeance, Terminal City Ricochet, Ministry: In Case You Didn't Feel Like Showing Up, Be Kind, Rewind, Pans Labyrinth, When The Wind Blows, The Day After, Little Miss Sunshine, Borat, The Departed, The Last Temptation of Christ, 1990's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Lucio Fulci's Zombi 2, Slither, Manhunter, American Psycho, 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Saw Trilogy, Scanners, Childs Play 2, Creepshow, Black Christmas (1974), Blue Velvet, Blood Simple, The Marathon Man, Near Dark, The Vanishing, Vanishing Point, Dirty Mary and Crazy Larry, Audition, Battle Royale, Battle Royale II, Kung Pow: Enter The Fist, The Crippled Masters, Airheads, Angus, Baadassss!, Being John Malcovich, Boogie Nights, Bottle Rocket, Cape Fear (original and remake), The Color of Money, Cabin Fever, Clockwork Orange, Comic Book Villians, Con Air, Dead Man Walking, Die Hard, Dirty Work, Dog Day Afternoon, Fargo, A Fish Called Wanda, Get Shorty, Friday, Ghost World, Heathers, Halloween, Good Will Hunting, Elephant, Gerry, Last Days, The Jerk, JFK, Jo Jo Dancer Your Life Is Calling, Lost In America, The Lost Boys, Memento, Me, Myself, and Irene, Mother, Next Friday, Nixon, A Nightmare On Elm Street, A Nightmare On Elm Street 2, Freddy's Revenge, A Nightmare On Elm Street 3, Dream Warriors, A Nightmare On Elm Street 4, The Dream Master, A Nightmare On Elm Street 5, The Dream Child, Freddy's Dead, The Final Nightmare, Wes Cravens New Nightmare, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, Old School, Panic Room, Princess Mononoke, Purple Rain, Rumble in the Bronx, Rushmore, Adaptation, Bandits, The Aristocrats, Brokeback Mountain, The Hole, Dodgeball, Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy, Easy Rider, Four Rooms, Meet The Parents, Murderball, Party Monster, The Producers (original), Shogun Assassin, Steamboy, Howls Moving Castle, True Romance, The Wedding Crashers, Say it isn't So, Screwed, Jerry Seinfeld Comedian, Silence of the Lambs, Slacker, Waking Life, Spawn Live Action, Spawn Animated, Spawn Animated 2, Spawn Animated 3, Stealing Harvard, Stuart Saves His Family, Tommy Boy, The Toxic Avenger Part 2, UHF, Pi, Universal Soldier, Very Bad Things, Waynes World, Run, Ronnie, Run! American Beauty, Fight Club, Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, The Phanton Menace, Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith, Se7en, Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Drawing Flies, Dogma, Vulgar, Reservior Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Natural Born Killers, Toxic Avenger, Interstela 5555, Jackie Brown, Kill Bill vol 1, Kill Bill vol 2, Taxi Driver, Mean Streets, Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore, Goodfellas, Casino, Gangs of New York, Heavy Metal, Cowboy Bebop: The Movie, Akira, The Loneliest Runner, Why Me? The Bob Lemonta Story, X-Men, X2, X-Men The Last Stand, My Best Friends Birthday, Bubba Ho-Tep, Taxi Driver again, Night of the Living Dead, Night of the Living Dead 1990 Remake, Dawn of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead 2004 Remake, Day of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, Resident Evil, American History X, Matrix 1, 2, 3, and Animatrix, Ghost in the Shell, Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence, The Lord Of The Rings (Bakshi), The Fellowship of the Rings, The Two Towers, The Return of the King, The Fantastic Four (1994 Unreleased Version Only), Grilled, Fire and Ice, Braindead/Dead Alive, Cannibal: the Musical, Orgazmo, Sin City, Within The Woods, The Evil Dead, The Evil Dead 2, Army of Darkness, Predator, A Simple Plan, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 (1986), Hard Candy, Requiem For A Dream, Requiem For A Drizzle, In Search of the Wow Wow Wibble Woggle Wazzie Woodle WOO! Batman, Batman Begins, Head On, Queens Boulevard, Aquaman, Aquaman 2, I Wanna Be Sedated, Medellin, Matterhorn, Bare Ambition, Streak-Dome 97, Taint Misbehavin'. Taint Your Wagon, The Story of Everest, The Story of the Story of Everest, The Story of the Story of the Story of Everest, The Return of the Curse of the Creatures Ghost, Ramming Speed, Pallies, The Crack'd Mirror, Goin' Crackers, The Limits of Science, Driven to Distruction, Coupon: The Movie, Too Many Ostriches, Too Many Grandmas, Too Many Premises, Prognosis Negative, The Other Side Of Darkness, Rochelle Rochelle, Sack Lunch, The Pain and the Yearning, Death Blow, Blame it on the Rain, Blimp! The Hindenbirgh Story, Abe Lincoln: Pet Detective, Beverly Hills Robo-K-9-Cop and a Half 2, Dr. No Means No, Honey I Laminated The Kids, I Still Have Issues With What You Did Last Summer, It's Just Like Last Summer What With The Killing And All, Assisted Living Dracula, The 3, Da Derp De Derp Ta Teetley Derpee Durpee Dumb, Men in Black... Who Like To Have Sex With Each Other, Tom Peters and Joy Peters in... Porkin' With The Peters, The joke is old. HardyHar. But honestly, I can't keep this up to date.
Spaced, Clone High, Seinfeld, Breaking Bad, Heroes, Lost, Jericho, Lucky Louie, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Star Trek, Star Trek Animated Series, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, Clone Wars, The Ben Stiller Show, The Maxx, Wonder Showzen, Black Books, Knowing Me Knowing You With Alan Partridge, Flight of the Conchords, The Office BBC, The Office NBC, 30 Rock, Scrubs, Extras, Daria, Stroker and Hoop, The Shield, Rescue Me, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage, Hippies, The Wire, Da Ali G Show, Venture Brothers, Cowboy Bebop, X-Men Evolution, Fullmetal Alchemist, MST3K, FLCL, Clerks: the animated series, Ren and Stimpy, ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, Samurai Champloo, Penn & Teller Bullshit, Mr. Show with Bob and David, Tom Goes To The Mayor, Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job, Xavier: Renegade Angel, Squidbillies, Upright Citizens Brigade, Cops, Attack of the Show, Metalocalypse, Headbangers Ball, Henry Rollins Show, Witchblade, Breaking Bad, Whitest Kids U Know, Larry Sanders Show, The Riches, South Park, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report,
Garth Ennis, Richard Dawkins, James Randi, Alan Moore, J.K. Rowling, Chuck Palahniuk, Dave Barry, Frank Miller, Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Frank Herbert, Elmore Leonard, William Burroughs, J.R.R. Tolkien, Max Brooks, Joseph Suglia, Katherine Dunn, Christopher Tolkien, Keith Giffen, Nick Hornby, Karl Pilkington, Raven Gregory, Douglas Paszkiewicz, Ray Basham, Lynn Varley, Klaus Jansen, Steve Dillon, Chip Zdarski, Neil Gaiman, Sam Keith, Bill Watterson, Jeph Loeb, Mark Waid, Brian Micheal Bendis, Brian K. Vaughan, This is in no way a complete list. None of these lists are, really.
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Bill Hicks. Raymond Brooks. Douglas Paszkiewicz. Henry Rollins. Jello Biafra. Karl Pilkington. Steve Coogan. Simon Pegg. Dylan Moran. Ricky Gervais. Robert Rodriquez. Quentin Tarantino. Chuck Palahniuk. Garth Ennis. Katherine Dunn. Frank Miller. Alan Moore. Kinji Fukasaku. Michael J. Nelson. Bill Corbett. Joel Hodgeson. Lowtax. Maddox. Harry Potter. Severus Snape. Doc Emmit Brown. Bill Bailey. Sam Kinison. Christopher Titus. Doug Stanhope. Tim and Eric. Bob Odenkirk. George Carlin. Jim Norton. Louis CK. Rick Shapiro. Lenny Bruce. Fatlip. Stephen Colbert used to be on this list, but the fucking cocksucker refused (in the shittiest way possible) to voice SIX goddamn lines for Venture Bros season 3. I still watch his show, but tha was a total dick move.