About Me
Back when I was a drinkin' man, I used to hang out at this place called "The Big Screw." Now from the sound of it, you'd think The Big S was some sort of biker bar, but it wasn't (even though I know you wish it was). It was one of those little hole in the wall neighborhood joints, and I loved hanging out there. When you walked in the front door, the smell of stale booze, day old urine, and vomit hit your face, kinda like when you stick your face in a dirty cat box (I did that once or twice, but it doesn't make for that great of a story). The bar stools were falling apart, and the few that got the distinct pleasure of keeping all of their upholstry were ridiculously wobbly. The bar top was made of unfinished wood (not the good stuff either, I'm talking that stuff that they use to board up houses) and the floor was really old linoleum (no seriously, it was the first linoleum ever). A mule of a man named James Matches was always standing behind the bar (I'm not putting him in the story because he's a jerk). I loved that place.One afternoon, on a very ordinary day, I was headed home from a long day at the shop, when I decided to stop in The Big S, just for one drink, when something amazing happened. I sat down at the bar right next to this old japaneese man (he looked harmless) and ordered a miller lite (I love miller lite, it's my favorite). As I sat and sipped my delicious beer, I spoke with the old man. He told me his name was Shen Tsung and that he had come to America looking for a place to put his martial arts studio, The Karate Do. He was a pretty nice old guy, so I bought him a beer (don't think I'll buy you one though), chatted it up with him for a little longer, and headed home. On my way home I thought about the old man and his plight. His dream to have his own piece of the pie, and decided that I should probably stop at this little diner near my house called "Nadine's." They claimed to have the best pie on earth (which is true). After I got my pie (trust me, that part is boring) I was heading home when I saw a horse talking to a cow (which I thought was weird because I live in the city). I decided to let them talk, maybe they were old friends that hadn't seen each other in awhile or something. It didn't much matter because I was tired, and who really cares about what horses and cows talk about anyway. I mean really. I got home and discovered (much to my dismay) a package laying on my doorstep. No one ever sends me anything, so I had to open it right there, on the porch. When I opened the box to discover my Sports Illustrated football phone and swimsuit edition, I almost cried. I was so excited that I called all my friends, got a few cases of miller lite (mmm, miller lite), and had them come over so we could make prank calls on the football phone and play Texas hold 'em. It was a glorious day.That's about all you need to know about me.
All the other stuff is lies anyway.
