I am an ancient despotic ninja who tyrannically ruled the moon and its.......er rocks for over six million years using a mystical solid gold sword named Steve. The moon descended into turmoil midway through the 20th century due to an aggressive earth invasion spearheaded by a crack team of highly trained space monkeys despatched by the Soviet government and led by their fearless captain, the brave space adventurer Tom Harmony. After a grease up and throw down (followed by a bottle of vodka and the inevitable violence) an agreement was reached and the warring factions decided to lay down their weapons and form a sinister alliance. Subsequently both forces have turned their attentions to the poor people who have been unfortunate enough to read this rubbish (namely you) and more importantly the construction of an evil machine comprised entirely of magnets and desert spoons.The characters in this story are fictional except for the monkey Tom Harmony, who is very real, very evil and very addicted to snorting crack off your naked ass (no pun intended).
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