"I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real fuckin' big!"
-Mitch Hedberg
"Wasn't Mommy pretty? She had great legs too. They're in the other room, come on!"
-Ellen DeGeneres
"I actually did some running yesterday. I had to. The ice cream truck was doing thirty. And I needed a ride to the bakery."
-Wendy Liebman
"Penis, what did you do now?"
-Mitch Fatel
"'We claim India for Britian.' 'You can't claim us. We live here. There's five hundred million of us.' 'Do you have a flag?'"
-Eddie Izzard
"'Bachelor Number Three. If I were a popsicle, how would you eat me?' 'Well, I guess first I'd take off your wrapper - if you know what I mean! Then I'd grab your sticks - if you know what I mean! Then I'd press you against the counter till you broke in two. Put half of you in the freezer for later.'"
-Norm MacDonald
"If I need directions, I'm not asking the guy with one tooth. I'm asking the guy with one leg."
-Dave Attell
"Don't you hate it when you're in bed with three women, and the least attractive one says, 'Save it for me!'? Man that's a drag!"
-Jim Carrey
"Nurse, get me my sketch pad! You good sir are going up on my refrigerator. You're my sphincter of the week!"
-Jon Stewart
"I bought some instant water, but I didn't know what add."
-Steven Wright
"I think 'Employee of the Month' is a good example of how someone can be a winner and a loser at the same time."
-Demetri Martin
"Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces while handicapped people make handicapped faces."
-Dennis Leary
"All these kids shooting up the schools, and all the parents asking, 'What were they listening to? What were they watching?' Who the fuck cares what they were watching!? Whatever happened to crazy?"
- Chris Rock
"Be a hero. Don't drink AIDS blood."
-Zombie Bruce
"Do fat vampires sleep in piano boxes?"
-Yours Truly
I'd like to meet:
My life rocks. All I need now is a great big audience.
All good things. Postive energy. Circular. Like a circle. Doin' the bull dance. Feelin' the flow.
Music:
"Fuck Doug, I'm not goin' out like this!"
"Have you ever been to New York City!?"
"I talked for hours to your wallet photograph and you just listened. You laughed enchanted by my intellect or maybe you didn't."
"I hear they have a space program where they sing you can't hear there's no air."
"Wherever I run I run from wherever I am. I've never stood long enough to see just where I stand."
"I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick where you will sit and contemplate your day."
"As Mrs. Murphy sat in the corner pouring out her grief, Kelly and his gang came tearing down the street. They went into an empty room and a bottle of whiskey stole, and put the bottle with the corpse to keep that whiskey cold!"
"Welcome to our street oh my baby now tell me what's your name? I don't care what you done or where you're from, just really glad you came. Here even on the stormy days the people smile and they don't complain, drink margaritas with salt cocaine and dance to the beating of the pouring rain."
"Got a time bomb tick tick tickin' just like anthrax. Boys wanna battle so I got me a battleaxe. Climax! The girl screams my name when ya have sex. (I should charge a sales tax.)"
"Do you do you like dreaming of things so impossible? Or only the practical? Or ever the wild?"
"Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties and one day passed away in his sleep. And his wife, she stayed for a couple of days and passed away. I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong."
"Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, turd and twat. I fucked your mom."
"And what I never had were pictures flashing by. (Forces that make your way down.) But what I had between the things I never tried was you reaching out in hopes to hold your hand. (Forces that make your way down.) I'd say I'm better 'cause I lived before I died."
"And I never settle down. That's the price you pay for getting off the ground."
"Dressed by dawn and out the door. No light, she memorized the floor so she could leave without being detected."
"And they're cursing me, and they won't let me be. And there's nothing to say, and there's nothing to do. Stop whispering, start shouting."
Movies:
"Do you mean to tell me that you could've taken your hand out of that cuff at any time!?"
"No! Not at any time! Only when it was funny!"
"I use forty-eight percent of my brain. Do you know how much you use?"
"Forty... seven?"
"Three."
"Bikers! I'm an idiot."
"He only answered to his name."
"What was his name?"
"Fongul."
"Do you know what it's like to fall in the mud and get kicked... in the head... with an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does. It never happens. It's a dumb question. Skip it."
"You have the whitest white-part-of-the-eyes I've ever seen. Do you floss?"
"Ray, when someone asks if you're a God, you say, 'Yes!'"
"Mr. Madison, what you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."
"Buongiorno, Principessa!"
"I haven't been fucked like that since grade school."
"Who glued these quarters down?"
"I did."
"What the hell for, man?"
"I don't feel that I need to explain my art to you, Warren."
"Amélie still seeks solitude. She amuses herself with silly questions about the world below, such as, 'How many people are having an orgasm right now?'"
"Fifteen."
"...Enter the dame."
"There's one in every story."
"Ten bucks says she's looking for a handout."
"Twenty bucks says not here she don't find one."
"She's looking for her mark."
"She finds him."
"She sits down."
"...and awduhs a light lunch."
"She looks in her purse..."
"...No money."
"The mark notices."
"...He's not noticing, Benny."
"Maybe he's wise."
"He don't look wise."
"Plan two: Here come the waterworks."
"Yellowstone."
"Old Faithful."
"Hello, Niagara."
"He notices."
"He's concerned."
"She explains her perdicament, and..."
"...entuh the light lunch."
"She's got other problems, of course..."
"...Her mother needs an operation..."
"...adenoids."
"No, Bennie: Lumbago.... She's losing him, Bennie."
"Maybe he's wise."
"He don't look wise."
"How does she pull this out?"
"She isn't!"
"She is!"
"She's good, Bennie."
"She's damn good, Lou."
"Can I get you boys anything else?"
"Bromo."
"...Bromo."
"How many Pollacks it take to screw up a lightbulb?"
"I don't know, Glen. One?"
"Nope, it takes three. [Laughs. Then stops.] Wait a minute, I told it wrong. Here, I'm startin' over: How come it takes three Pollacks to screw up a lightbulb?"
"I don't know, Glen."
"'Cause they're so darn stupid!"
"Ulli doesn't care about anything. He's a Nihilist."
"Ah, that must be exhausting."
"Well, here's my first question. Do you think it's kind of dangerous handing out guns at a bank?"
"Weeze the juice!"
"Okay, what am I doing? ... I'm chasing this guy.... Nope. He's chasing me."
"I donna suppose you could espeed things up?"
"If you're in such a hurry you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do."
"I could do that. I have some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only only waiting around to kill you."
"That does put a damper on our relationship."
"But I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top."
"That's very comforting but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait."
"I hate waiting."
"No capes!"
"This happens. This is something that happens."
"You know what hurts the most, is the lack of respect. You know? That's what hurts the most. Except for the, except for the other thing. That hurts the most. But the lack of respect hurts the second most."
"Is there any risk of brain damage?"
"Well, technically speaking, the procedure is brain damage."
"Hey Ted? Wanna play twenty questions?"
"Okay! ... I got one!"
"Is it a mineral?"
"Yeah."
"Are you a tank?"
"Whoa! Yeah!"
"How do you write women so well?"
"I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability."
Television:
"How many dead puppies would it take to build a house?" "You mean dead puppies instead of wood?" "No, instead of hammers."
"And now I pull my arms out with my face."
"Peter, the final plague is the death of the first born son!" "Oh no! Stewie!" "The FIRST born son." "Meg!" "Your wife." "Chris!"
"Son, meet your new mother." "I plan to divorce him and take all his money." "She's a lot like your old mother."
"Oh no! She's got a pinky-hold! Elliot has the pinky strength of a rock-climbing jazz pianist."
"Eat now?"
"Uh, research is such a restrictive term. I feel I've opened up a whole new arena of experimentation which I call Monkey Torture."
"Ah, yes. The 'Bob Loblaw Law Blog.' You, sir, are a mouthful."
"Hey, son, you know how you've been bugging me to go and get you a puppy? Well, today after work, I went out and I bought you one. But on the way home, I got hungry and I ate him! I'm joking; I'd never buy you a puppy."
"Goodbye, plucky, pimply teen. I think you're ready now to hear the truth. This wasn't really a magic hubcap. The magic was inside you all along."
"Get that out of your mouth and stick it in your ass!"
“I, Jon Stewart, hate Christmas. Christians! Jews! Morality! And I will not rest until every year families gather to spend December 25th together at Osama’s Homo Abortion Pot & Commie Jizzporium.â€
"You look like my grandpa." "Oh, is your grandpa super cool?"
"If'n you ain't the grandaddy of all liars! Mmmnn, the lilte creatures of nature, they don't know that they're ugly. That's very funny, a fly marrying a bumblebee. I TOLD YOU I'D SHOOT! BUT YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ME! WHY DIDN'T YOU BELIEVE ME!? Now boys and girls, let's try it again."
Books:
"Passion has little to do with euphoria and everything to do with patience. It is not about feeling good. It is about endurance."
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another which states that this has already happened."
"An incautious grasshopper came whirring to a landing on the grass a few inches from his face; Mike turned his head, looked at it as it stared back at him. 'Thou art God,' he said happily and discorporated."
"He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts."
"Motherfucker, I ain't seen pussy in so long I'd throw stones at it."
"'Holy living fuck.... Are you fucking believing this? Over,' Armstrong radioed back to NASA headquarters nearly 250,000 miles away. 'I abso-fucking-lutely am standing on the surface of the fucking moon. I am talking to you from the goddamned fucking moon. Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket.'"
I've read the novelization of Child's Play 3. It wasn't a favorite, and I sure as hell don't remember any quotes from it, but Greg thought it was so funny I had to put it on here. While I'm at it, I should probably mention that I've also read the novelizations of Ghostbusters 2, The Addams Family, The Death Of Superman, and Batman: Knightfall (yes, the series of comics were compacted into one novel). In my younger days, I also read many, many Baby Sitter's Club books. My favorite is still Super Special #1. It's the book I credit with giving me my long time dream to go on a cruise, which I finally did when I was 18. I didn't make out with a stowaway during the fireworks display at Disney World, but I did go skeet shooting.
Heroes:
Phil Hartman, Carl Sagan, James L. Brooks, Ira Glass, Douglas Adams, Dave Dreyfus, Jeff Smith, Doug Thornhill, Melissa Miller, Sky Muncaster, Sari Rothstein, Adrienne Wilson, Craig Pugatch, Roy Prize, Greg Kaczynski
