I'll let you in to a chapter of myself:
I was born without a pulse. In birth my own umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck like tight twine constricting me to the point of clinical death. I wish I could relieve that moment now to see what a few moments of death are like in comparison to the twenty some years I have had the fortune to wander around my settings.
I like to explore every ounce of my being, and leave no stone unturned as I move about this life looking for something beyond what is presented to us in the form of soundbites on a television screen, but to be completely honest just like any other smuck out there sometimes I fall victim to a little bit of lethargy as I sit idly.
I enjoy writing; it is a necessity for me. I think the written word is the purest and most earnest form of communication. When you have the freedom to sit alone with no one judging you except for a blank sheet of paper your truest emotions and feelings will spill out in ways all too impossible to do under the pressures of face to face conversation. One day I do hope to speak as freely as I write, but until then my primary medium is ink.
I strive to be as honest and open as one can possibly be. I think when one has nothing to hide they are free from the are truly free from the judgement of stone casters. In my opinion, worth just as much as yours', the only reason we hide and create ourselves into something we are not is to fit in with what the collective masses deem as appropriate or cool. Be open and start becoming comfortable with yourself rather than seeing the reflection of a million different faces in the mirror in the morning. All I can do is try, and all I want to do is try.
I like to think that I've had a pretty interesting life for a kid my age in America. By the time I was fifteen I had lived in more locations than digits on my hands, and gone to six schools. For a period of about a half year I was homeless with my father spending nights sleeping in the car or on the floor of where ever he happened to be working at the time. Now I have also experienced the life of a nomad, spending time between the beds, couches, and floors of various friends, family, and others I could dupe into accomodating me. Those were actually periods of growth in my life, and I learned quite a bit about myself as I racked my brain again and again trying to arrange it into a positive place. Looking back on the times they were also ones of great carelessness, in a good sense of the word. I try to keep that sense of freedom in me as I make my life into one that is perhaps more akin to the norm in todays' society, but I never want to be a sheep; Rather one who works within the ranks trying to change things from within.
When I was three I remember watching my mother and father shouting at one another followed by the sound of a windshield shattering due to the impact of a baseball bat wielded by one crazy mom of mine, though I suppose everyone is guilty of having an irregular streak from time to time.
I spent a good portion of my adolescence living with people other than my parents while my dad was in prison, and my mom was facing her own trials and tribulations with addiction and a sorrowful way of supporting it.
I never really got to know my parents too well to be close to them, but although they have both had many downfalls in their lives I respect them both for what they have been through. I never plan on following in either of their footsteps, and it seems that these days I am better off seperating myself from their situations that I'm powerless to improve. Nonetheless I am actually appreciative of the background that they gave me, or lack there of, as it allowed me to shape myself and my beliefs without the constraints of parental guidance.
I never had any close friends throught out most of my childhood, and was pretty reserved as to letting people inside my head. I'm still not sure why even to this day, but perhaps it has something to do with my upbringing and an unability to relate to the kids around me at the time, because I noticed that as I grew I started to become attracted to people with more eclectic backgrounds than the expected norm. Unfortunately I have also noticed that in the age of today it seems to be fashionable to be different, to care, and to boast of one's intellect even when the words coming out are meant to impress rather than actually make a difference on a world that needs one so dearly.
It seems as if the trends of standing out amongst the crowd only go so far as needed to assimilate to the crowd; as true an oxymoron as their has been in my belief. Its sad that discussion of TV pop culture has replaced a genuine appreciation for the arts and the ills of humanity. We don't like to admit it, but these days American Idol takes precendence over the deaths over Americans and Iraqis in the middle east and one is more certain to hear talk of Paris Hiltion's latest spree of over indulgence than discuss the horrors of the third world. I consider myself a bit different in that I could give a shit, less than half a shit actually, about Paris or American Idol.
...
I find it much too difficult to focus my thoughts on such trivial topics when human emotion and suffering commands my attention towards things that are infinitely more important. It truly captivates me, but I have also been guilty of cynicism and apathy when looking at such monumental difficulties in the world. I do believe, however, that if we all do even just a small part we can make a huge difference. Perhaps the first step is to set aside the distractions we are fed by the mouthful from everywhere we look.
Anyway, let's get back to me; Besides, as a self respecting American it's my civic duty to be self indulgent and self absorbed.
I was always scared to experiment with substance, mainly due to my family's own self destruction that came from their fondness of mind benders, and up until a few days before my seventeenth birthday I hadn't even had a single cigarette. Fortunately I was able to put away the habit after a few years for good, and I'm not too fond of cancer sticks these days. I did find a devil in depression and alcohol though, and found myself tampering with bottles too often. It took me some time to even recognize the problem, and even then I pushed that realiztaion far back into my mind as I continued to take gulps of cheap beer and Jack Daniel's. I'm trying to keep all that in check now, and I've discovered that alcohol tends to be my fall back in times of depression, but that is not a trend I want to continue for reasons that are quite obvious.
I can confidently say that my biggest detractor is myself. Many times throughout the day I have thoughts flying through my head questioning myself as to whether I am just insane and delusional, and I'm currently in the process of trying to ensure that the side of myself that urges a measure of confidence of my ability speaks louder than its converse. I don't ever want to see either side of myself disipate, though, as I believe it is that fierce internal dialogue that keeps my creative edge alive.
I've never had the insurance or the financial means to get checked out by a shrink, and I don't really have a desire to as I believe anything that they have to tell you isn't something you can discover yourself through internal honesty, but I do find myself wondering on occasion what kind of abnormalities I'd be diagnosed with if I did wander into psychiatrist's office. I've had a good friend of mine tell me she believed I was manic after having a disscussion with her about what keeps me pursuing art and my inspiration behind it. I can't say definitively whether I am or not, as I have not had the misfortune of sitting through a waste of time explaining away my troubled and exciting background, though if I am manic(or anything else) I wear the title proudly.
I don't believe in god or any other higher power for that matter; I'm not sure if I ever did, though I do recall numerous visits to grand ornate churches and the occasional prayer when I was a little boy, and for the longest time I was simply disinterested in the fables and mystic of religion until I learned of it's harmful side effects in the tears and blood of a billion faces caught in the cross hairs of gospels and sermons painting them as the enemy. So many innocents, no better no worse than you and I, led me to questions the usefulness of thousand year old institutions which lead its practitioners to practice violence in the name of this or that imaginary idol.
What I am a believer in is education which may seem odd coming from a kid who earned a .2 GPA in his final quarter of high school. I still am not too big a fan of public education and think it is too structured in its teachings without allowing for a true view of the many sides of various issues. I recall sitting in the back of many a class being told to put away a book that I wasn't supposed to be reading then holding a half hour dialogue with a teacher over the correctness in the textbooks' representation of history and such only to be handed down a D after the semester. It took me some time to actually put my energy into school after dropping out of the twelfth grade, but I have experienced some of my greatest learning from excellent instructors that have made a lasting impact on me after I entered community college en route to a transfer.
I'll continue on with my thoughts so check in periodically if you find yourself in boredom one of these days
I edited my profile with Thomas Myspace Editor V3.6 !
You scored as Socialist.
Socialist
92%
Democrat
75%
Anarchism
75%
Green
67%
Communism
58%
Fascism
33%
Nazi
8%
Republican
0%
What Political Party Do Your Beliefs Put You In?
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