Contract to Guarantee Thorough Entertainment.
Article 1: This agreement is entered into on Y2006 M11 D20 by Tamara Parsons-Baker, hereinafter referred to as ‘The Entertainer’, and you, the web-wise sycophant, hereinafter referred to as ‘The Fan’.
2) The sonic works of ‘The Entertainer’ is hereinafter referred to as ‘THE Music’.
3) The details of regulations pertaining to the relationship between ‘The Entertainer’ and ‘The Fan’ are the basis of this contract. Both parties must adhere to these regulations or severe and arguably draconian penalties will be incurred.
DURATION Article 2: The term of this contact shall be:
From the day which is currently eroding beneath you as you read this, until the end of time!
2) Death on the part of 'The Entertainer' is an insufficient excuse for termination as ‘THE Music’ will surely live on and continue to be recognized posthumously, ensuring the kind of immortality reserved for those with special talents, and not sniveling individuals like 'The Fan'.
3) Death on the part of 'The Fan' is an insufficient excuse as your collection of ‘The Entertainer’s’ wares such as ‘THE music’ (electronic or non-electronic media), badges, signed photos, key-rings and posters should be handed down to younger relatives as treasured family heirlooms, thus ensuring that your tenure as ‘The Fan’ continues from beyond the grave in the distinctly average (non-special) genes of your offspring.
TERMINATION Article 3: 'The Entertainer' may terminate this contract on the grounds that ‘The Fan’ fails to meet their responsibilities as detailed in ‘The Responsibilities of the Fan’ section below.
2) 'The Fan' may terminate this contract on the grounds that ‘The Entertainer’ fails to meet their responsibilities as detailed in ‘The Responsibilities of the Entertainer’ section below, or if ‘The Entertainer’ “goes all popâ€.
RESPONSIBILITIES OF THE FAN
Article 4: The fan must purchase every last crumb of music released by ‘The Entertainer’, including but not limited to singles, box-sets, and greatest hits albums on which you already own all but one of the tracks (even if the track in question cynically conceived ‘previously unreleased’ offering, which is actually a left-over from an earlier album previously deemed unworthy of inclusion).
2) ‘The Fan’ must attend all of ‘The Entertainer’s’ live shows within a 100 mile (160km) radius, and all festival appearances within a 300 mile (480km) radius.
3) ‘The Fan’ must continually champion the cause of ‘The Entertainer’, wearing official merchandise in public, verbally promoting ‘THE Music’ in casual conversation, writing favorable reviews for public magazines and websites, selecting ‘THE Music’ on jukeboxes or requesting it in nightclubs, and by giving ‘The Entertainer’s’ wares as birthday and seasonal gifts to friends and family.
4) Whilst feeling a strong affinity to ‘The Entertainer’ bordering on emotional attachment, ‘The Fan’ should recognize that they are wholly inferior to ‘The Entertainer’ being that they do not possess the tangible and intangible qualities that make ‘The Entertainer’ so great.
5) ‘The Fan’ must never compare ‘The Entertainer’ to Dido, James Blunt or Alanis.
5) Failure to meet the responsibilities of Article 4, parts 1-4 will result in the following punishment:
Three (3) lashes to be administered by a stout man armed with a cat-o-nine tails.
Failure to meet the responsibilities of Article 4 part 5 will result in the following punishment:
Tied to and dragged though cobbled streets by a 20-hand stallion for 3 circuits of the market-place whilst being pelted with assorted foodstuffs (fresh and foul).
RESPONSIBILITIES OF THE ENTERTAINER Article 5: ‘The Entertainer’ must provide music of a highly entertaining level in keeping with the ideals of ‘THE Music’
2)’The Entertainer’ should endeavor to evolve as an artist whilst retaining the unique and original values which first ensnared ‘The Fan’ into a lifetime of servitude.
3) Whilst remaining undeniably sexy, ‘The Entertainer’ should never let image become the primary selling point of ‘ THE Music’.
4)’The Entertainer’ should continue to collaborate with other talented individuals, such as those who write obtuse and faintly medieval ‘biographies’ at their behest.
5)‘The Entertainer’ should never let ‘THE Music’ be used in advertising, as a means of promoting or selling products, or at right-wing political rallies.
6) Failure to meet the responsibilities of Article 4, parts 1-4 will result in the following punishment:
Three (3) lashes to be administered by a well-oiled muscular man armed with a cat-o-nine tails.
Failure to meet the responsibilities of Article 4 part 5 will result in the following punishment:
To fellate the dark lord himself.
Article 6: Both ‘The Fan’ and ‘The Entertainer’ have read, understood and agreed to abide by all regulations detailed in this contract. Sign below as confirmation.
Signed: ‘The Entertainer’……………………………
Signed ‘The Fan’……………………………………
