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pants

none of you (nuh!) better look at me funny. (nuh!) you know my name, now give me my money.

About Me

I was born on the mean streets of a tough little town known as The Fork. Characters came and went in this one-horse, jip-joint of a town. After running the streets all day, getting mixed up in petty crime with local gangs and church groups, I’d sneak over the tracks to cut- the real rough part of town to my dear mother, Patty “One-Eye” Small, the local grifter and black-market nurse and Ol’ Pappy Al, a crazy ol’ codger who could shoot the buttons off yer blouse with a .45 without wrinkling the material. To the dismay of my sisters, Kitten and "The Swan", at seven, I was sold off to a rich family in the town over the hill. My younger brother Bill "The Nub" was disaffect, as he was merely an infant. I was groomed under the tutelage of Mavis Beacon, Doug Flootie, Snoop Dogg, and Florence Henderson to be a renaissance man. At thirteen, I returned to my little family in the ghetto with all the knowledge and refinement a youngster could have, and convinced them to join me in a very sophisticated Mary Kay Cosmetics scam. After making our millions, we were finally able to build our lab in South America. We perfected our bio-nuclear cell transitioning theories and after self-testing (with preliminary tests done on lemurs for their extreme human similarities), we became “Super-eye-laser-shooting-and-blowing-shit-up Family”- heroes to America and Canada (though more reluctantly Canada). At seventeen, I left the family to their success and returned home for my senior year in High School, where I was voted “Most Likely to Achieve Awesomeness”. After nine proms, four arrests for indecent (yet awesome) exposure, six high-powered American automobiles, and one graduation, it was off to Philadelphia for a near Ivy-league education and extra-curricular crime fighting and intrigue. It is here that I currently reside.
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My Interests

there are so many interesting things about me that i really don't have time to pursue that which doesn't involve being me! i spend most of my time being interesting with friends. i also enjoy shopping, not working out at the gym, practicing my french kissing, and am presently perfecting my eating disorder! i enjoy being with my closest, most interesting friends over some fondue, with some interesting music playing on the hi-fi! some times the pain of merely existing is so gargantuan and intense that i sincerely doubt my ability to go on! do people read this shit? what the hell happened to lisa frank?greetings, from

Music:

the pixies, radiohead, ladytron, the breeders, air, henry mancini, TASKER MORRIS, de la soul, fischerspooner, the faint, clap your hands say yeah, snow patrol, girltalk, Feist, Of Montreal, et al, bloc party, against me, the dash (i guess), wilco, guided by voices, did i say built to spill already? i'll prolly say it twice. modest mouse, chicks on speed, Junior Senior! tribe called quest, the white stripes, iggy pop and the stoodges, portishead, handsome boy modeling school, the talking heads, no doubt, magnetic fields, justin timerblake, jimmy eat world, the promise ring, depeche mode, bjork, pj harvey, halo benders, weezer, madonna, nirvana, sonic youth, peaches, lovage, blackalicious, franz ferdinand, dandy warhols, belle and sebastian, tori amos, iron and wine, outkast, the turtles, kid koala, ben folds (5), the kinks, goldfrapp, mamas and the papas, that one song by that group, the sugar cubes, postal service, velvet underground,THE UNICORNS! modest mouse, stevie wonder, throwing muses, belly, rasputina, ..black eyed peas, liz phair, the gorillaz, blur, sleater kinney, the promise ring, WIT, the misfits, the cars, elastica, the germs, interpol, the raconteurs, amy winehouse, detroit cobras, i think i said the shins already, i certainly hope i didn't forget belle and sebastian, iMonster, maybe not Fergie, catpower sorta, the ramones, and the carpenters, Digable Planets, most church music.

Movies:

Worst Music Video EVER



An 80's Finnish music video called "I Wanna Love You Tender" by Armi & Danny shit. i don't like fucking movies. anyone see "72 Cheerleader Orgy"?

Television:

no thanks!

Books:

who's afraid of virginia woolfe, getting into brett easton ellis, anthropologist on mars, any henry rollins, franny and zooey, choke, naked, barrel fever, catcher in the rye, breakfast of champions, welcome to the monkey house, the collected works of jesus fucking christ, stilllife with woodpecker but Jitterbug Perfume, better. the wasteland, wizard of OZ series, nancy goddam drew, invisible monsters, any vonnegut, religious pamphlets,

Heroes:

slutcake!

My Blog

hut-hut-hooooooooo.


Posted by pants on Tue, 16 Jan 2007 03:45:00 PST

gay robots

i got a message offering me viagra and then a friend request from this dude (who, despite having no personal information other than 'avalon!', does look okay with hair gel and a speed-o). http://profi...
Posted by pants on Sat, 11 Feb 2006 07:00:00 PST

go on...

validate me 1. Who are you? 2. Are we friends? 3. When and how did we meet? 4. Do you have a crush on me? 5. Would you kiss me? 6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it....
Posted by pants on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST