ryan profile picture

ryan

eagerly awaiting the return of the dinosaurs

About Me

I'll keep this short as I am fantastically talented at literally everything I've ever attempted. one of my most notable skills is my innate ability to cause the dow jones industrial average to rise or fall at will by repeatedly hitting the refresh button on my computer. In addition, I have an astounding power to fortell the present and an uncanny capacity for distinguishing between mayonnaise and miracle-whip as well as various brands of mustard. Also, speaking of uncanny, is anything ever just canny? and were ideas that have been debunked simply just bunk before their subsequent debunking? I guess we'll never know the answers to these enigmas that have haunted man since the dawn of time. In my book that's pretty sad. Maybe you don't think it's sad. Well I'll tell you what, I don't give a crap. And also don't even think about trying to find my book to change that part. Because you know what? You'll never know where it is. Well maybe you do. But in actuality, you only think you do, because it is a decoy book that I've written solely for the purpose of throwing you off the trail of the actual book. Also, I often go by one of my aliases, Reginald T. Chesterfield, Theolonius Euclides, Maximus Pennstock, or Bat Masterson. Oh, and I can turn invisible if I really try hard.

My Interests

tomfoolery, shenanigans, general drunken merriment, filibusters, disliking conservatives and religious types, making pottery, writing lyrics to instrumental television and radio jingles, creative writing, long walks on the beach, gardening, collecting hummel figurines, rock but NOT roll, needlepoint, playing make believe, all music, movies, geology, carpentry, and of course birdwatching

I'd like to meet:

whoever the jackass was who started making these stupid promises that the new millenium would have all this crazy futuristic stuff. look at Back to the Future 2 for example. (flying cars, awesome futuristic clothes that dried themselves, hoverboards for crying out loud). that movie took place around 2020. that's only 13 years away and we're not even close to having any of that stuff. I don't mean to crap all over a great piece of american cinema, but it's just a good example of all those great things we were promised as kids looking forward to the year 2000 that are nowhere to be found even though its 2007. I mean, what the christ, we were supposed to have this crap 7 years ago, yet I'm still driving a boring regular car that can't fly on a boring regular road. I guess, i'm just disapointed is all.

Music:

muse, radiohead, the strokes, guv, the white stripes, nirvana, rage against the machine, hot hot heat, bloc party, the kaiser chiefs, weezer, phish, the killers, the vines, doves, the bravery, kasabian, the pixies, coldplay, franz ferdinand, desaparecidos, the darkness, the police, the shins, interpol, the thrills, ...trail of dead, bright eyes, hendrix, the who, guns n' roses, the rapture, electric six, the zutons, ac/dc, the beatles, stevie ray vaughn, neil diamond, metallica, zeppelin, pink floyd, journey

Movies:

napoleon dynamite, willy wonka and the chocolate factory, the shawshank redemption, the usual suspects, trainspotting, best in show, harry potter, the lord of the rings, office space, anchorman, dogma, swingers, the ring, elf, a time to kill, braveheart, saving silverman, the wizard of oz, clerks, dumb and dumber, tommy boy, american beauty

Television:

seinfeld, curb your enthusiasm, kids in the hall, british parliament, family guy, south park, simpsons (circa 1993-1997), da ali g show, nature programing, spongebob squarepants, pbs, anything on discovery channel, antiques roadshow

Books:

stephen king, steinbeck, hemingway, moby dick, classic greek literature (illiad, odyssey, etc.) harry potter, lord of the rings

Heroes:

tom jones

My Blog

Fantastic Time Had By All at the First Annual Pig Roast

A few months back, the boys at 33 Arden/The Gutter decided that a whole year is far too long to wait for the next Weenie Roast.  They needed something to tide them over until next January when th...
Posted by ryan on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

On Line Hunting Site Huge Hit With Lazy Ass Rednecks

It recently came to my attention that a website called Live-Shot.com is finally providing the service of hunting over the internet.  Well it's about damn time. As I understand it, the system invo...
Posted by ryan on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

"Sans Directions" Worst Policy Ever

At 8 AM on Friday, a rag-tag band of adventurers gathered at 33 Arden street and headed south for a weekend of baseball, and drunken hooliganism down in Baltimore, Maryland.  The group consisted ...
Posted by ryan on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

The Little Mermaid: The Greediest B*tch Ever

I don't know how I got to thinking about the little mermaid, but somehow I did. After pondering this movie for a while, it dawned on me that Ariel must be the greediest, most selfish person/fish/merma...
Posted by ryan on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

All Religion Found to be a Joke

Hackettstown, NJ - In one of the biggest discoveries in the history of mankind, it was learned this week that all religions are a complete scam.  Yes all of them.  Virtually the entire world...
Posted by ryan on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Drunks Continue Downward Spiral

Friday  The weekend starts out with a trip to the place for some good-natured revelry in celebration of Kaceys birthday.  We are assured by Rob that he would be able to gain us access to the ...
Posted by ryan on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Gutter Dwellers Complete Greatest Comeback in Sports History

There have surely been many great combacks in countless sports over the centuries, but the one achieved by the gutter dwellers this past Sunday easily surpass them all by great measures. The sce...
Posted by ryan on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Chronicles of My Revolt Against the Norwegians

As I feared my Norwegian oppressors have been reading my emails.  In short they were not pleased with my insolence and I have been beaten severely.  I will be changing the subject on all fut...
Posted by ryan on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Weekend Turns Disastrous For Local Hooligans

Saturday- Brian and I kick off the weekend's festivities at around noon with a few beam and cokes in preparation for the pub crawl. We are later joined by rob, kamp, julie, meg and julio. At around 5...
Posted by ryan on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

More Borderline Alcoholic Behavior for the Gutter Dwellers

Friday- Really nothing very noteworthy here. Brian and Rob attended the Red Sox game and then went to Jake Ivorys. At Robs suggestion that it was a great time, I headed down to meet them. Upon arri...
Posted by ryan on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST