Crybaby Josh Cross

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Josh did not come into the world smoothly. He was born with a freakishly sized head that his mother did not quite appreciate. He was in a neck brace for the first two years of his life; doctors fearing a head tilt this way or that just might snap the little fella's neck. Entering grade school, Josh immediately began many whirlwind romances, which only ended in heartache and broken G.I. Joes. His predilection for correcting teachers' grammar and interupting class with Shel Silverstein quotes was quickly obliterated when he received his first vinyl album - Michael Jackson's "Thriller". He was soon singing and forcing his long-suffering mother to vocally back him. His step father, with a hidden and very unhetero love for Elvis, didn't seem to care. That first Christmas, Josh became obsessed with the song, "The Twelve Days of Christmas". He went from community theater to retirement home, seeking a performance of that song. Whenever he found it, he would chime in at "five golden rings", his voice loud and clear as a soprano eunuch. Josh found middle school to be a harsh realm where demons lurked around every corner. After getting his schizophrenia under control with a variety of pharmaceutical cocktails, Josh began to enter the well know stages of puberty. His voice deepened, acne dominated his face and rosy red buttocks, and his testicles began to resemble softballs hanging in tube socks. Josh was in rare form as he entered high school. To fit in with the local crowd, the blonde haired, green eyed chameleon began to wear baggy clothing and speak in a mixture of ebonics and Mexican slang. He fit right in and soon found he was despised by people of his own color. This is when he first secretly collaborated with his brothers and sisters to begin "The Revolution" which has yet to come to fruition. After high school, Josh felt directionless. Leaving a less than satisfying relationship with a stripper, he only had five bucks, a pack of smokes, and felt "really itchy down there." He realized he needed to make something of himself. On the way into his local army recruiter's office, he was hit by a VW Bug, crushing his larynx. An endless procession of clowns piled out of the car and took the unconscious young man home with them, fearing persecution and seatbelt tickets. They nursed him back to health on a diet of popcorn and cotton candy. Josh found a life a travelling, drinking rotgut whiskey, and anonymous sex with overweight bearded women was not as fulfilling as it may sound. He was given an antique guitar to play. Unfortunately, teaching himself was a harrowing process as poisonous spiders had made their home in the sound hole. He learned a style of strumming to keep from getting bitten that came to be described as "awkward, harsh, and resembling an epileptic episode" which continues to describe his showmanship today. His soprano abilities never left him, but with his freakishly large testicles, he also gained a rich baritone, allowing him a range not unlike his first hero - The Gloved One. He began to listen to the music of the gypsies that stole from him and raped his pets, combined it with the sickly, out of tune carnival music that surrounded him, and added his own angst regarding the state of world affairs, his unconventional upbringing, and his impressively massive head and testicles to create the sound evolution you hear today. Josh is a truly unique musician, a gifted vocalist who sings in tongues, and one who plays guitar in the vein of toddlers strumming a tennis racket. He now goes by the name "Crybaby", adopted from the taunts he received by Mother Theresa herself. His songs defy convention, definition, and listenability. Take a trip into the truly mediocre with the man-child who calls himself "CRYBABY"!
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HOW AWESOME IS THIS?
A very sweet fan drew this for me. It's so touching that someone would put the time and effort to do something like this because of my music. Thank you so much! Art by Anastasia Higgins.
And another! Art by Kayla.
By Diamond Dan, The Rockabilly Man
Crybaby Josh Cross ..