"Do you all have different books in the Bible than I do? Are you all Gideons? Who are the fucking Gideons? Ever met one, no! Ever seen one, no! But they're all over the fucking world, putting Bibles in hotel rooms! Every one of them: "This Bible was placed here by a Gideon." When? I've been here all day and I ain't seen shit! I saw the housekeeper come and go, I saw the minibar guy come and go, I've never laid eyes on a fucking Gideon! What are they, ninjas? Where are they? Where are they from? Gidea? Who the fuck are these people?!"
"They say rock 'n' roll is the devil's music. Well, let's say that it is; I've got news for you. Let's say that rock'n'roll is the devil's music and we know it for a fact to be the absolutely, unequivocally true. Boy, at least he fucking jams! Ha ha ha ha! Okay? Did you hear that correctly? If it's a choice between eternal hell and good tunes and eternal heaven and New Kids on the fucking Block … I'm gonna be surfing on the lake of fire, rocking out … high five at Satan every time I pass the motherfucking shore." "'Come on, Bill, they're the New Kids. They're so good and so clean-cut and they're such a good image for the children.' Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking rocked! I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit..."
"And then I come to find out after that film (Basic Instinct), that all the lesbian sex scenes … let me repeat that. All the lesbian sex scenes … were cut out of that film because the test audience was turned off by them. Boy, is my thumb not on the pulse of America. I don't want to seem like Randy Pan, the Goat Boy, but that was the only reason I went to that piece of shit. If I had been in that test audience, the only one out front protesting that film would have been Michael Douglas, demanding his part be put back in, all right. "I swear I was in that movie. I swear I was!" "Gee, Mike. The movie started. Sharon Stone was eating another woman for an hour and a half. Then the credits rolled. 'I don't remember seeing your scrawny ass, Mike.' 'Was Bill Hicks in that test audience?'"
"Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye."
"I was in Fyffe, Alabama last year. After the show, I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm eating, I'm alone and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, what you readin' for?' Is that like the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading - for. 'Well, God damn it, you stumped me. Why do I read? Hm … I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is … so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.' But then, this trucker in the next booth gets up, stands over me and goes: 'Well, looks like we got ourselves a reader.' 'What the fuck's going on here? It's not like I walked into a Klan rally in a Boy George outfit, God damn it. It's a book!'"