Mike Jax

I copyrighted the term “non- profit” and to this day collect royalties from its use. I’ve never had a bad hair day. I once mapped the Hawaiian islands with nothing more than an inner tube and a Etch-A-Sketch. My woodworking skills rival that of Santa’s best elves. Public speaking doesn’t phase me. I tutor Stephen Hawkings in my spare time. I know the exact location of every item in the supermarket. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. I’ve won the Nobel Peace Prize not once, but seven times. I have a record in the Guiness Book of World Records for having the most records in the book. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed. I have perfect bone structure. I operate a Salmon hatchery out of my apartment, complete with fish ladder. I’ve been romantically linked to Britney Spears, Demi Moore, Halle Berry, and the entire cast of Friends, all in the same night. The IRS doesn’t tax me, I tax them. I’ve recorded a CD entitled “Easy Listening Armpit Music” which has gone multi-platinum. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a toaster oven. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. I only sleep once a week, when I do sleep I sleep in a chair. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I’ve co-produced such classics as Gone With the Wind, Casablanca, Titanic, and E.T. but declined to take credit for them due to creative differences. The television show McGuyver was loosely based on my life. I have walked on water, I have tamed lions, and I have ascended Mt. Everest.