I Interview Myself
Q: Why do you hate so much?
A: Why do you capitalize your nouns like you love Hitler?
Q: Because it's the title of the interview.
A: I hate because there's so much to hate.
Q: Like what?
A: I'm glad you asked. I certainly hate jam bands, theory (literary or otherwise), Russell Crowe, narratives of decline, Clint Eastwood movies and people who take offense.
Q: Offense at what?
A: Anything. Taking offense is sorta gay.
Q: Why you gotta use homophobic language?
A: Like that.
Q: So you're a hater.
A: And a homophobe.
Q: A gay homophobe?
A: That's the best kind.
Q: Surely you have some redeeming qualities?
A: Now that's just slander. Let me tell you a story, Phil. I used to hate Rick Santorum, although I think that was more out of love of Dan Savage than any real emotion. But then I read that profile of him that discussed how he and his wife slept with the dead fetus of their miscarried child. Now if that's not the most badass thing ever, then I don't know the meaning of badass.
Q: Well that should be fully apparent.
A: But let me ask you a question.
Q: I've been waiting for this.
A: Would you have sex with me?
Q: A little Narcissistic, aren't we?
A: All attraction is Narcissistic, eh.
Q: That's complete bullshit.
A: Yeah it is. But it totally sounds like it could be a profound statement.
Q: Sort of like a quote from Kundera.
A: Yeah, God I love him.
Q: So let's talk about God.
A: No, let's talk about gay Czech porn. Kundera always leads to that.
Q: Do you remember when you renounced Christianity before college, intending to begin a spiritual journey, and then you promptly spent your time not engaged on any such journey?
A: Do you remember when you jacked off watching Johan Paulik fuck Tim Hamilton?
Q: How much of your life have you wasted masturbating?
A: How much of your life have you wasted thinking about God?
Q: Hey, I'm asking the questions here.
A: Obviously not. So it's like this: masturbation is a waste of time, but definitely not more so than religion. Yet unless we're completely twisted, we're doomed to spend a lot of time thinking about both. I can't tell you how long I spent in Cairo discussing Islamic theology with my friend Reham. But it meant and means absolutely nothing to me.
Q: So what are you saying?
A: I'm saying that we should get our rocks off as much as we need to, contemplate God, eschatology, and praxis as much as possible, but then we should make sure to devote the rest of our time to laughing at what gets our rocks off, mocking our faith, and making fun of Marxism.
Q: Marxism?
A: Just cause it's so fucking dumb.
Q: Are you a neoliberal?
A: I'm totally not smart enough to assign an economic philosophy to myself. All I know is that Marxism is way dumb, the West is totally hypocritical in its agricultural subsidies, and Walmart is evil.
Q: But you buy your socks there.
A: I know, and they get holes all the time. Fucking socks.
Q: Let's talk about love.
A: Let's. I'm totally in love with Brandon Flowers.
Q: Why?
A: My lust for him makes me feel like a dirty old Andy Warhol.
Q: But you hate Andy Warhol...
A: Yeah, but that's only because of my homophobia and middlebrow artistic tastes.
Q: And I asked you about love.
A: Right. I don't wanna talk about it.......
