Derek Fucking Jacobson

my foremost pleasure in life consists in making specious arguments, including, but by no means limited to: "who gives a fuck? we'll never see these people again," "tell your baby to shut the fuck up before i give it something to scream about," and, "stop being such a race-trader." the way to my heart is through my penis. i consider any shift in the moral zeitgeist toward an ethic which would allow for televised bloodsport to be a necessary and positive link in the evolutionary chain. i refer to every asian person i meet as "kenny." someday i'm going to be very wealthy and powerful, and when that day comes, i'm going to use my wealth and power neither for good, nor, necessarily, for evil, but for morally and functionally ambivalent causes, like working to celebrate the daylight savings holiday every sunday, as opposed to two sundays a year. i prefer that my sexual partners neither spit, nor swallow; instead, i ask them to inhale. i once shot a man in reno just to watch him die, but the experience was ironically unsatisfying.