One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh No," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, I got these sacks."
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that just says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guys arm behind his back and say "Now who's asking the questions"
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm buddy.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist,"because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me, "Damn that girl sure owed me a lot of money.
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