Mommalette

I just can't fuckin believe it. No matter what I do to get out of this fuckin hole I was born in I can't. I take 3 steps up and get knocked 4 steps down. Can a person really be born into shit, never to become clean? Why does all the bad shit happen to me? Yes I must stay positive, but how can I? I try every day! I get up and work my ass off all day, and still I end up in shit. I try so god damn hard to stay happy. I swear to fuckin god, I'll be happy and every fucking thing nasty will be walking through the fucking door. Just waiting for me. I get so fucking pist I can't take it. What the fuck. Why is my life just one big circle of stinky fucking shit?! I hear from people that I'm a good person, a well like person. People like my company. I make people comfortable and happy. I help every one I can. I try the best I can. But still I get shit. I don't even have tears to express myself. All I have left is anger. What the fuck is going on in this fucking world. Maybe I should just let myself fall. Deep and hard. I can't, I just can't. I will not allow myself to fall like that. I keep going foward. Blind and stupid. I keep going forward. Even though I know there is no freakin light at the end of my tunnel. Paulette 1/05/07I go up and down like a god damn carnivel ride. I was so up all last week. Then the down started yesterday. I don't know what my problem is, but it is not nice. I go from sunshine and teddy bears to death and chaos in no time. I am just so god damn pisted at the world. It's not a normel down, either. It is the downs of downs. The whole world comes crashing down on me. Every god damn thing bothers me. Every horrible fate comes my way. From big to small. From small to big. I see only the dark lineing of every cloud. I hurt all over. Inside and out. Not one good thought survives in my mind. I want to dig myself a hole and bury myself in it. Every thing is going in the wrong direction. Paulette 1/12/07So I'm finding out who I am. I think I'm doing a good job. I'm getting together a pretty good plan. I am getting back on track. I think I am getting pretty sure of myself. I know it doesn't look it, but I am. I keep going over and over in my head about who I am. I try not let what others think of me bother me to much. I know I am a good person, a loveing person, a careing person. I know what I have to offer. I know what I will not accept. I am pretty confident in my own choices. I like where my head is going. I need to relieze I am all me and my children need. Any other would be a blessing. We need to beable to stand up on our own. We need to beable to injoy each others company. The day I can not injoy myself in the company of others is the day I will not be in the company of others. I don't have to surround myself in negative energy any longer. So thats that and this's is this. Paulette 1/14/07

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