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Not many people know that I was actually born at a boozer next to the movie set of Zardoz. At the time me Mum was in charge Sean Connery’s Zapata inspired moustache. She used to also work on Sean’s hair, but due to the receding hairline Mum was demoted to moustache/beard duties only. A few years later as a youngster, I was in Aberdeen Scotland visiting relatives, when a bad case of gas struck me silly and I was forced to stay outside in the blustery northern wind. After a few close calls regarding seagull shit, I decided to seek refuge inside a small fishing vessel located portside. I must have fallen asleep or some shit, because when I awoke, I was floating next to an abandoned oil rig smack dab in the North Sea. I spent a few years there eating an the odd combination of stale Wine Gums & bad Swedish cheese (…and washing it down with an endless supply of Buckfast) all the while perfecting my swear words for use at a later date, when suddenly my folks came by and picked me up. It turns out Mum was no longer in the moustache combing business. I ended up in the temperate coastal rainforests of Otis, Oregon playing with gravel and looking for Bigfoot scat. One day, I ran into a local kid who spent every waking hour of his miserable hick-inspired life eating dog food off the neighbors porch. He asked me if I wanted some so I kicked him in the teeth and then nuts. No, I wasn’t a violent kid, I just didn’t like the fucking shitstain. Eventually, I grew up and watched Sesame Street for the first time and vomited all over myself because I though that fucking green guy who lives in the garbage can was a talking cabbage. MySpace is fucking boring. Here’s a picture of my bastard child, Ned. He’s chavtastic.I tell him to lay off the Foster’s because it’s shit beer, but he just spits at me and yells profanities. Not bad for a 18 month kid. Nice moustache too.
Click below for a quick laugh!
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Make sure you watch it 'till the end! HA!Joe Strummer R.I.P.
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