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President Beefcake

Oh, oh, you sendin' the Wolf?!?! Sheeeeeeeit neeeegro! That's all you had to saaaaaaay!

About Me

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This is Bob Dawg's main snarl, the "Tooth Gnasher Dragon". Everything stems from here. It is the only thing more powerful than the King's Ransom (just kidding, nothing's more powerful than the muthafuckin' King's Ransom, bitch. I was just checking to see if you were awake.) The Tooth Gnasher Dragon can be combined with the Warrior's Honor to particularly damaging effect. It also works with the "Double Dragon" too, which seems to make sense. I don't use it with the King's Ransom very often b/c I'm against Nuclear Proliferation and if I launch the Ransom while armed with an active Gnasher, other nations would be forced to launch their nukes in an effort to restore balance to the world and I don't have time to police a nuclear escalation at this time...


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This is Bob Dawg's main snarl, the "Tooth Gnasher Dragon". Everything stems from here. It is the only thing more powerful than the King's Ransom (just kidding, nothing's more powerful than the muthafuckin' King's Ransom, bitch. I was just checking to see if you were awake.) The Tooth Gnasher Dragon can be combined with the Warrior's Honor to particularly damaging effect. It also works with the "Double Dragon" too, which seems to make sense. I don't use it with the King's Ransom very often b/c I'm against Nuclear Proliferation and if I launch the Ransom while armed with an active Gnasher, other nations would be forced to launch their nukes in an effort to restore balance to the world and I don't have time to police a nuclear escalation at this time...I'm the Mighty Mr. BobDawgsta foo'. I gots "first strike", "trample", AND I come in with "haste", but you wouldn't know that cuz you a big Barry White lookin muthafuckah, so get off my back. I'm laid back about myself but intense about what I do (whoa, that sounds like some Maya Angelou shit). I'm surprisingly cuddly. Actually, I'm overwhelmingly cuddly. In fact, it's ridiculous how cuddly I am. It's really, truly amazing. I'm a good guy. I use baby powder on my balls from time to time. I have found great solace and strength through my devotion to my Lord and Savior, Jack Daniels. I was voted one of People Magazine's "51 Most Beautiful People" last year, but they decided to cut it off at 50 at the last second...Now I'm probably at like 62 or something cuz I haven't been working out. My pimp slap is legenmuthafuckindary, especially the patented "dragon wing back-hand from the neutral launch position." This one is like my stealth bomber pimp slap cuz it comes in sideways, slicing through the air silently (yes, like a dragon wing) and it only rotates to POC ("Position On Contact") at the last instant, so that not only is the fool or ho destroyed, but his or her friends didn't hear dat shit comin'. When executed right, like I always do, it sounds like dis: "sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss sssssssss BOW! Tssst." This is opposed to the usual, unpatented Five Fingers of Open Handed Death pimp slap that is widely used at the various stages of pimpslapdom. That pimp slap, while easy to learn is hard to master. It also starts from the neutral launch position but before the elbow reaches beyond 27 degrees open angle, the 5 fingers (based, as it were, on an average pimp's hand numericness) are open and spread -- thus creating a loud whistle (when executed properly, like I always do), like a big ass missile is dropping like wwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, like some high pitched shit like that, and then as the fool or the ho tries to detect the direction of the oncoming onslaught, he or she is utterly destroyed. This feature, by the way, is why it is also called the "Whistling Porcupine Pimp Slap" and the "Five Open and Spread Fingers that Whistle Pimp Slap." I was posted up at this bar the other day practicing said pimp slaps on my imaginary hos "Suqdiss" and "Getdese" and this fat jheri-curl dude was like, "Where is yo bitches, Mr. Big Time pimp?" I hate that shit. I already told him that I can't get in touch with my bitches cuz the phone in the limosine is busted. What is he, ignerent? I've been accused of being emotionally unavailable but I don't think it's true. I think the word is "incapable". That's not true. I had emotions once. But that was a tuesday and I was off-balance. Since then, I have cut that shit out. Oh, can't forget to say west up to Noccout008 Scott Dawgsta woowoo.I was once told that what's intriguing about me is that I'm just as likely to be reading Stephen Hawking as I am to be in a bar brawl. A guh sed dat tamee. I wuh lite "READIN'? WHO YOU SEEN READIN', GUH? NOT BOBDAWGSTA WOOWOO! KEEPIN' IT REAAAAAAL! REAL DUMB." But I admit, I can read my muddafuckin' ass off. I can count too: one, two, fo', five, nigga whut?!?!? Countin' deez rocks, beotch!Remember the Big Bad Wolf? That was my brother. My little brother... Oh, why did the chicken cross the road? Cuz BobDawg is the shit, beotch. No seriously, why did the chicken cross the road? I don't fuckin' know to tell you the truth. What, do I look like fuckin' Rain Man to you?I've always been on the beaten path with school, my career (law) and other things and I'm working on being more adventurous and spontaneous. That's why I tried that new Budweiser that's a can but is shaped like a bottle. Man, that shit is CRAZY! I also went on Survivor as part of that new commitment. It was fun but when I got back, I found out my best friend was engaged. Now he's married and shit. Whut Da Fuck?!?!?. I was like "I don't even know you anymore! Tssssst, RICKY!" I'm over it now and he's happy so I'm happy (or I would be if I had emotions) but that will teach me to go on reality tv shows...I only have one word to say about reality tv shows: "Fuckrealitytvshows." I think it's funny when some dumbass goes into the jungle or plains messing with some animal and gets his ass kicked in front of the camera and his kids and God and Evel Knievel and everybody...One thing I hate is when black comedians say that same old dumbass played out joke: "white people they do it like THIS don't they?!?! But BLACK people, weeeee dooooooo it like THIIIIIIS! Don't we? Beautiful black people give yo' sevs a clap." Still, I have to admit, when it comes to gettin' fucked up on camera by animals that weren't fuckin' with you in the first place, I have to give the title to white people on that one. White people, they get kicked in the head by a horse after searing his balls with a cigarette like this. BLACK people, we be like "Sheeeeit, muthafuckah. Ain't no muthafuckin' horse kickin' my muthafuckin' ass in da muthafuckin' head, muthafuckah. Ahmfrum Compton, nigga." I think snake bites are funny too cuz no one would get bitten by a snake on camera unless they were fuckin' around with the snake. Snakes don't be trippin'... That's kind of my rule in life. "Don't be trippin". That and "Drink hard, shit big." Oh and "Mr. BobDawg is the shit beotch..." but that's kind of everyone's rule in life I guess...Oh, the other thing I like: I like it when the booze says, 'You don’t really want to drink me' and I say 'Shut up, fucker, and get in my throat' then I drink it and the fuckin’ booze says 'Got you, fucker!'”Now for some random quotes about Chuck Norris...for a REAL laugh, plug in "The Mighty Mr. BobDawgsta" in for Chuck Norris. No, really, try it. It's really really funny. Funny not like ha ha but funny b/c dang, that shit is true...woo woo.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.Here's a couple about Mr. T...Complaining of back pain, Atlas once asked Mr. T to hold up the world for him. Mr. T agreed, on the condition that in exchange Atlas would wear Mr. T's golden necklaces. After five minutes of excruciating pain, Atlas asked for the world back.Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be pitied by Mr. T, than you are to have feet.Stephen Hawking was once a strapping young athlete and genius until Mr. T unleashed upon him his Theory of Pittitivity and labeled him a fool. The gravity of the situation crashed down upon poor Hawking and left him how he is today.Now for some Homer Simpson quotes:"They have the Internet on computers, now?""Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.""I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here."“The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The drunk says, 'Are you gonna drink that'?" “We’ve had enough to drink. Now let’s have too much.” -- BobDawg, 30th bday, 2003
BEST WRESTLER
Ric Flair wooooooo
Goooooldberg
Hulk Hogan
Macho Man Randy Savage
Bret the Hitman Hart
The Ultimate Warrior
The Rock
Bob Dawg
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Best Wrestling Manager
Bobby the Brain Heenan
Capt. Lou Albano
Mouth of the South Jimmy Hart
Mr. Fuji
Slick
Paul Bearer
Classy Freddie Blassie
Ms. Elizabeth
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Who's da Best?
Bob Dawg is da Best
Bob Dawg is da Best
Bob Dawg is da Best
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Who's da Worst?
Kobe Bryant, SG Lakers
Ward Connerly, Calif., Sell Out
Cuba Gooding Jr., Hollywood, Sell Out
Stuart Scott, ESPN, Buster
AJ from 106th and Park
Nah, definitely Kobe, dawg.
Kobe's a bitch, dawg.
Kobe's da worst, dawg.
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BEST WAY TO SAY TAKE A SHIT
Drop some kids off at the pool
Drop some bombs
Take a shit
Pinch off a loaf
Drop a Deuce
Go # 2
Make a Stinky Link
Go doo-doo
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BEST 40
Old English
Crazy Horse
St. Ides
Colt 45
Schlitz Malt Liquor
Steel Reserve
Mickey's
King Cobra
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BEST JHERI-CURLS EVER
Eazy- E
Turbo from Breakin'
A.C. Green
Luis Polonia
Rod Carew
Sid Vicious/Justice
Ice Cube
Mitch Blood Green
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My Interests

Modern Drunkard Magazine says there's 40 things any true Wino should do before his time is up. Therefore there are 40 things any true wino should do before his time is up. Here's some of my favorites which I've actually done...
3.) Drink a fifth of hard liquor, by yourself, in one day. For some this is a typical evening, the rest will have to try harder. Unplug the phone, don’t answer the door and get down with your bad self. Stock up on ice, gather mixers if you need them, crack the seal and, inch by inch, take that proud bottle down. Take your own sweet time. Near the bottom you will discover a rich inner landscape you thought a barren desert. Explore it.
10.) Extravagantly overtip a bartender. The next time a bartender is especially kind or proficient, lay a massive tip on her. I mean, massive. You must be relatively sober or they’ll discount the act as drunken foolishness. Say something smooth like, “You’re the best of your kind,” drop the bomb, and—this is important—walk out of the bar without another word. With this single act of unexpected generosity, you will restore a bartender’s faith in humanity and give your own self-image a healthy boost.
15.) Get carried home by your drinking buddies. In the company of friends you can trust, get fantastically loaded to the point you cannot stand, nevermind walk. Let them brace you from both sides and carry you homeward. Sing like an Irish uncle. Swear love and fealty to your human crutches. These are the bonds that never break.
18.) Visit the source of your favorite beer, wine or liquor. Make a pilgrimage to the headwaters. Follow the river that’s fed you joy to its source. Stand amongst the vats and barrels and absorb the knowledge that this is the spring from which the good times flow. Drink as many free samples as they’ll give you. It might mean a trip to Dublin or Tennessee, but from that moment on you can gaze into your glass and think, “Lad, I met your mother.”
19.) Drunkenly watch the sun come up with your best boozing buddies and a bottle. You’ve spent plenty of time railing against the dying of the light, this time welcome its birth. With a shot.

33.) Steal some booze. Against the law? Sure. A hell of a rush? Absolutely. Of course, not getting caught is very important. Plan well. Nothing tastes quite so sweet.
39.) Make your own beer, wine or moonshine. There are fewer finer feelings in the world than to nurture booze from it’s humble, evil-tasting origins to something you can get hammered on. Just expect to repeat these words over and over again when you go mad on the blood of your creation: “I made this! Me! And now I’m drinking it! Woo-hoo!”
40.) Go to your place of worship loaded. Not so loaded they’ll finger you as a walking incarnation of Demon Rum, just enough to make the droning sermons lip-bitingly hilarious. It’s often said that liquor can bring you closer to God, so just think how close you’ll be when you’re hammered in his house.
DarkSide Crooks

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I also really like poems, especially for their value as comparative literature giving insight into life...
WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind.
He knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And he'll always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
I know this doesn't rhyme but I don't give a shit.

I'd like to meet:

This dude right here...

and this dude right here...
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and this little dude...YOU GOTTA SEE THIS

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and of course . . .Mr. Buckthalamew Jerevicious Abercrombie Wheat....................
.............

Hannibal from the A-Team; Hannibal from Carthage
And as always, I'd like to meet someone -- ANYONE -- fresher than (or even half way as fresh as) me. In the meantime while I'm waiting (it's been almost 33 years so far), I'd like to meet M. Bison, Megatron, Wyatt Earp, Indiana Jones, Optimus Prime, Buckwheat, the dude that said, "Man, I'm bored outta my fuckin' mind. It's boring as shit and I don't have shit to do and I have all these fuckin' spare pig parts lying around my crib and I don't know what to do with them. I know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna fry these fuckin' pig parts, then put alot of hot salty shit all over them then sell them at liquor stores all over the country, but especially in the hood, thereby fuckin' up BobDawg's diet and makin' him almost go blind once a week cuz he'll keep gettin' that hot salty shit in his eyes when he's drunk and playin' Monopoly. Yeah, that's what I'll do. And since I took marketing in college, I won't call them hot salty fried pig fat. I'll call them "rinds". Let me call my friend Jerry "The Saint" Ides and see what flavors he thinks will be most complementary to hot, salty pig parts--I mean rinds." That dude seems like he'd be an asshole, but I respect genius. If you were a genius, you'd understand. I'd also like to meet the dude that invented the hole in front of underwear. That has got to be the most widespread, but most un-used toilet related product ever invented...I want to know what his problem was that he thought underwear needed that.I'd also like to meet Bruce Lee, Abraham Lincoln, Elvis, and The Junkyard Dog, but I can't because they're dead, so fuck it.DON'T START TRIPPIN' CRAIG. THE FRIENDS LIST IS JUST UNDER CONSTRUCTION, TRYNA FIX SOME CODE THAT WAS MESSING UP THE BORDERS AND SUCH.TOP 70 or so will return hopefully...GET A NEW CONTACT TABLE + MYSPACE LAYOUTS

Music:


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My favorite...
Pose is The King's Ransom
Shit is Drinking
Chocolate Salty Balls are big
Rappers are dead
Shit to say to a muhfuckah is Shutdafuccup muhfuckah!
Way to say "take a shit" is "Drop a deuce"
Line from Star Wars is "The power to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the [Bob Dawg]."
Pick up line is I'm Mr. BobDawg, beotch, woowooooo
Next favorite poses are Warrior's Honor, Double Dragon, Son of Krypton, The Gun Rack
Position is reverse cowgirl

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Bob Dawg Sez...

Television:

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/243231/loose_change_2nd_editio n/