This is a little information about Birmingham, Alabama. The sad part is that most of it is true. Enjoy. First you must learn to pronounce the city's name. It's "Bur-min-ham." Driving Information: Burminham has its own version of traffic rules... the truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. (Note: Blue-haired ladies driving anything have the right-of-way anytime.) To find anything in the city, it is required that you know where Malfunction Junction is... which is the Alpha and Omega; the beginning and the end. It may be one of only two "cloverleaf formation" interchanges in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough to implement it again -- Atlanta -- making them only a wee bit dumber than we are. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. If the term "merging delays" is ever used by the person reporting the traffic, even in passing, call in to work and tell them that you will be at least 30 minutes late regardless of where you are in your commute. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least) rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male and female drivers alike. You must know that "I-459," "I-59," "I-20," and "I-65" are the same road. They just loop around, cutting in and out of each other's path. We think this was a ploy utilized to confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after the War of Northern Aggression. Always, always, always, find out if it is a race or football weekend before you get on any of these highways to travel somewhere. If it is a race or football weekend, stay home. You won't be pleasantly going anywhere else. Construction is a permanent fixture in Burminham. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a little more interesting. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them over to the shoulder immediately to let them know -- you can be sure it was "accidentally activated." The minimum acceptable speed on "I-65" (see above) is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Alabama's state-highway-sponsored version of NASCAR -- especially during rush hour (see above) and everyone in the city is driving at once, bumper-to-bumper. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 in a 55-65 zone, you are considered a road hazard, and will be "hand signaled" accordingly. Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who is applying make-up, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic. If she is coming from north of Burminham, she might be packing. If she is coming from south of Burminham, she IS packing and is not afraid to use it. Weather Information: If it's 110 degrees, Thanksgiving could be next weekend. If it's 10-20 degrees and sleeting/snowing, then watch out. Burminham residents consider this "demolition derby" day and will be all over the roads (front! ways, sideways, etc). Please proceed with caution, as you could be their next target. Seasonal Information: If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring. If you need to let the car "get some air" standing next to it with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer. If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55 mph, it is Fall. If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is Winter. General Information: Do not ever speak during the song Sweet Home Alabama unless it is to sing along with the lyrics. This is a form of heresy and will erupt in a brawl if everyone doesn't show "proper respect" to the band who gave us Free Bird. This is especially true if alcohol is present. (Notice I didn't say "sold at this event," but "present.") Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city. It's not that funny to us anymore. If you ask someone for a "coke," they will often ask you, "What kind?" This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite, Dr. Pepper, Root Beer, etc., it is all "coke." All tea is sweet. If it's not sweet, you are in a Chinese restaurant or have crossed the Mason-Dixon Line.
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