the [king of mars]

Disclaimer: The following background regarding the details of my life are fact. While it may be hard for some to believe I once created ice cream sandwiches out of cardboard and sixteen staples, readers must be aware that being the monarch of the Red Planet doesn't come without its advantages. In the following weeks, I shall reveal how I acquired the throne of the fourth (and quite easily the best) planet in our Solar System. Enjoy.

Many years ago, when Tony Danza ruled the earth, I gave up fighting crime and a career as an international bull fighter to pursue my dream of becoming a school teacher. After years of tests and term papers, I am now an officially credentialed teacher :). Am I excited? You might as well ask me if I like to breathe air; you'll get the same answer.

Aside form my teaching duties, I work for the Guild of Calamitous Intent--an organization specializing in providing first-grade arch villains to heroes and antiheroes everywhere. Since 1910, the Guild of Calamitous Intent-where your hate is our business. Some of our recent clients, like the late Dr. Jonas Venture, Brock Samson, the Order of the Triad, have been assigned Guild-approved villains that will surely provide years of schemes and random acts of violence.

I may moonlight as an undercover spy with an array of wicked-awesome gadgets. And, like, I'd have this ultra cool car that will make everyone say, "Dude, you're cool", and I'll be all like, "Damn straight, fool". Yea, that would be great.

Random shit you don't care about: I love hockey. Yes, hockey. I'll watch football and baseball, but hockey is my favorite sport involving tempermental Canadians and Europeans. I'm a die-hard Anaheim Ducks fan. I also own an imaginary dog named Akamaru. He spends the majority of his time painting, gardening with the epileptic neighbors next door, and beating me at Monopoly. I beat him one time back in '95, but he accussed me of using loaded dice. The relationship was pretty shaky afterwards, but we patched things up on Yon Kippur. Just last week, I took in a lost imaginary dog by the name of Haruko. She's a tiny little puppy with a black spot over her right eye. She reminds me of a small pirate. I also spend time trying to integrate anime and manga into my Literature lessons, and for the most part I've been very successful at it.

Oh, and I also own the most comfortable bed on Earth. I haven't proved it yet, but I'm sure the mattress is made out of the down feathers of muppet birds; it's that soft. I get out to see a lot of live shows, but the most memorable had to be seeing Social Distortion a few years back. Mike Ness Spit on me. He missed the guy he ment to hit. Four drunken bikers bought me a beer because of my saliva-soaked arm. That's what you get for being in the front row, kids.

I've run into a lot of my favorite bands and artists. I don't get star-struck, but I will admit I almost peed my pants when I met Eric Estrada. He's a god in Mexico, or as my people say, 'El god'. Right now I'm writing a book that I hope gets published before I die. Trust me, it's going to be one of those stories you wish never ended. No cliche crap about one man overcoming great odds to defeat a massive army. This time, it's TWO guys. Dynamic, eh?. If all else fails, I can always go back to bull fighting...in space.