I love Football & Hockey (thank god it's back), going to concerts, listening to music, playing video games & hanging out with friends & family plus meeting new people.
Well, I went to Best Buy today (08/29/06) & picked up Hatebreed's new album "Supremacy" & damn did it hit me...I'm not alone.
You open up the book & Jamey tells you a little story about the last 2 1/2yrs of his life....alot like mine except I'm not in a band. Living life in depression, going on with little or no desire to do so, basically a walking corpse. I can honestly say that if it wasn't for music, family & friends, I probably wouldn't be here today. Music is so powerful & it helps me cope with the s**t in this world.
I started out the same way Jamey did, angry at the world, mad as hell & I turned to alcohol. I love a beer here & there but I didn't rely on it. I have since overcome that but the pain is still there.
Thanks mainly to a "little girl" I called my wife. She severely took me for granted & tore out my heart 2yrs ago. I gave her the world, I was so faithful & honest with her it is unreal that she actually left. I'm not perfect & I never will be but damn did I try. She "felt trapped & needed to live her life". Well, someone answer this for me please..how can someone feel trapped when they were allowed to go out any given time & stay out as late as they wanted & were never questioned where they were, who they were with & why they rolled in @ F***ING 3am? Obviously I wasn't good enough for her.
Granted, I would give the shirt off my back but don't take advantage of me, my family or my friends. Don't f**k with me, my family or friends & if you do, you have a severe enemy in me towards you.
I have become a man that I resent, I hate myself for the man I have become, I hate my life the way it is now. I am bitter, I'm no longer happy & it tears me apart that I hurt the people I love. People say to me "come on, your 33yrs old, have a great job, a strong family & your health" what else can you ask for? If they only you the path I have traveled.
My parents are divorcing after 33yrs of marriage due to loneliness & "THE BOTTLE", my Grandmother passed away on April 30, 2006...my Uncle & cousin were killed by a "DUMB F**K" drunk driver, my(X)wife left me for the party life & said "F**K responsibility, I want to party", I'm in a financial hole thanks to her....GREAT LIFE HUH????? Then again, there are people out there less fortunate then me.
I thank god everyday for the people I have in my life, you know who you are & I love you with all my heart. I know as of late I have not been the same person you all have come to know & I'm truly sorry for that. I'm battling demons in my head & the negativity of this f***ed up society we live in. I know deep down I can become that same, caring person I once was...please don't give up on me.
I just have to stare at it in the face & go at it head strong...take on the never-ending adversity that life throws at us each day & see past all the shit & see the good through the bad. It's not about how many times you fall, it's about how many times you pick yourself up & push forward.
Anyway, thanks for reading this rant of mine, I'm just in a foul, pissed off mood & felt the need to jot this down. Please don't be intimidated by this, for those that know me personally they know I'm a laid back, funny, easy to get along with guy. If you want to chat, send me an email or something...till then, take care & be safe. Talk to you soon.
/a
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