www.stevenryan.net
I work for a government agency. At any time I can drop off the face of the Earth for a week or so and reappear in society as if nothing ever happened. I own my own bowling shoes. I can build a sattelite dish out of a garbage can lid and rubber tubing.
On my day off I like to continue my quest for the Holy Grail. I was at the grassy knoll. I know the name's of Donald's nephews, Snow White's dwarves, and all one hundred Smurfs. Yellow is my favorite color.
I have written novels, screenplays, Hallmark cars, and my own version of the Bible. I have translated the Dead Sea scrolls into the ancient language of the Aztecs, beacuse it only rhymes in Aztecaneze.
I know the rules to Macedonian pinochle and even own my own deck of cards. I am expertly knowledgable in the use of all weaponry, but no one still living can attest to my ever using any. For a week and a halfI tried smoking sausage but I couldn't keep it lit. I once traveled to Brentwood, California and lost my favorite pair of Bruno Mali shoes.
All my children, and a star system, are named for me. I have heard the missing 16 minutes of the Nixon tapes. Although I have never met God, people say I look like him.
Not a day goes by when I am not mentioned in the news. My good looks are responsible for my modeling career, my low mortgage rate, and global warming. My gas tank is full but my diary is empty. At night I perform back-alley circumcisions.
I have sex at least twice a day, but not necessarily with a partner. I have a cure for the common cold, but you can't afford it.
I am vigilante, complete with tights and cape. I taught Michael Flatley how to dance and Johnny Bravo the squirt-slide-stance. I change my oil every 3,000. I abduct aliens.
I started smoking to quit chewing gum. I have spent at least ten minutes on each of the seven continents. My DNA holds the key to world peace. I like PB and J. I am the voice of Elmo.
I tend my own wounds, cut my own hair, and make my own ear muffs. I have above top-secret clearance. I am independently broke. Aunt Jebadisa loves me.
I once walked away from a pool table with $80,000, but was stopped by the security guard. I have been photographed naked. Translated into any language, my name means "chestnut". Satan fears me.
I surf the net. I have sung on Broadway. I am the sixth Beatle. I know both spellings of Chanukah. I can program my VCR. I don['t care what day it is. I never get lost. I have designed a space station out of Legos.
I am planning on attending Grad School in 2006.
(c) Steven Ryan 1997......
