Jon Holmes - ProfilesArchive

About Me

I think Dostoyevsky described me best in Notes From Underground---- "You talk all sorts of rot and yet you're pleased with it. You try to convince us that you fear nothing, but we find you cringing. You tell us that you're raging and talking through clenched teeth, but all the time you're trying to be funny and make us laugh. It's possible that you have had to suffer, but you don't seem to have any respect for your own suffering. There is some truth in you, all right, but there's no humility; and it's out of the pettiest vanity that you drag forth your truth, to exhibit it, to offer it for sale, to disgrace it. You really have something to say, but you hide your final words, out of fear, because you really have no courage, only the impertinence of a coward. You were bragging about your consciousness, yet you can't grasp anything clearly because, though your head is quite lucid, your heart is murky as a result of debauchery, and real consciousness is impossible without a pure heart."----In short, I'm a comic.

My Interests

comedy writing, comedians, drinking with friends, films, lenny bruce, marxism, observing, people watching, redheads, philosophy, quips, satire, sarcasm, second hand stores, smartass comments, stand up comedy, stories, writing

I'd like to meet:

I know this might sound shallow but I am really only interested in getting friend requests from dozens of local shitty bands and internet cam whores.

Music:

Example:

Movies:

Film noir, The Big Lebowski, Mel Brooks, Fritz Lang, The Coen Brothers, Sam Fuller, Wes Anderson, John Cassavetes, Robert Towne, Antonioni, Kurosawa, Robert Altman, Fellini, Ingmar Bergman, Sam Pekinpah, Jim Jarmusch.

Television:

I'm prone to seeing something on the screen and ranting about for twenty minutes.

Books:

Lord of the Flies, Catch-22, Kerouac, Kesey, Burroughs, Burgess, Orwell, Salinger, Phillip Roth, David Sedaris, Dylan Thomas, Dostoyevsky, Irvine Welsh, Chuck Klosterman

Heroes:

Groucho Marx, Bill Hicks, Dave Attell, Lewis Black, and Mitch Hedberg

My Blog

Tales of the Homeless (Pt 2)

Couple things of the homeless lifestyle. I've been stealing a lot lately. Food, internets, and even virginities. But the other day I stole a pack of gum and the guy confronted me about it. When he sai...
Posted by Jon Holmes on Wed, 19 Sep 2007 04:30:00 PST

Tales of the Homeless (Pt. 1)

So I was all set, looking very svelt and ready to live in the big city. This was two weeks ago. I went to the apartment that I was planning on living in, it looked nice, but the lady fucking dick slap...
Posted by Jon Holmes on Fri, 14 Sep 2007 08:27:00 PST

An Old Bit Revised

I was in between classes the other day so I stopped off in the student union for a bite to eat. I sit down next to this table of about five girls. And while I'm eating my chalupa,I realize that one of...
Posted by Jon Holmes on Mon, 27 Aug 2007 02:49:00 PST

Getting it in the Face Hurts

so I went out to the movies with frank elton and lidsey on saturday. The simpsons movie was a lot better than I thought it would be. three out of five stars is Jon Holmes' rating. And he gave Le Buche...
Posted by Jon Holmes on Mon, 30 Jul 2007 02:40:00 PST

Give Me A Subject

I was recently told that I have an opinion about everything. So give me a subject and I will blog about it.
Posted by Jon Holmes on Fri, 20 Jul 2007 01:31:00 PST

Shortcummings (Not including my Penis)

What with frank living my dream of studying with second city, I started thinking about my life and where how many times I went wrong. But most of those aren't funny so I'll write about a few of my sho...
Posted by Jon Holmes on Mon, 09 Jul 2007 02:35:00 PST

Q: What Did the Blind Girl Say to her Blind Date? A: I was Hoping For Someone More Attractive

So lets see blog blog tog dog bog mog fog log sogUPDATE: I'm back in Dayton because I had a mental breakdown and I needed my old job with old money before I go back to Shykago. I was rediagnosed as bi...
Posted by Jon Holmes on Mon, 25 Jun 2007 02:33:00 PST

Douglas Coupland Likes His Latin Men with a Side of Salsa

I don't think I can do it anymore. I just can't sit here and not point out when I see our country becoming controlled by dumbass christians. Case in point, the Cervical Cancer Vaccine. When it first c...
Posted by Jon Holmes on Tue, 22 May 2007 06:57:00 PST

All These Hyberpoles are Going to Start Wold War III

Women, are you able to ascertain who dresses like a slut these days. Because I gotta tell you, I'm having a bitch of a time trying to figure it out myself. I walked out of class the other day and saw ...
Posted by Jon Holmes on Thu, 10 May 2007 03:59:00 PST

Brett Easton Ellis was a Member of Nambla

Frank told me to post a new blog, so I am doing so. Let's seeee...... Blog. That's a funny word. Blog. I mean, what, did some guy named Blog Henderson say, say, "Hey... I'm gonna name something after ...
Posted by Jon Holmes on Fri, 04 May 2007 08:39:00 PST