ALTER EGO profile picture

ALTER EGO

Lost souls... perishable yet whole.

About Me

This is my private page. Please see my public page at
www.myspace.com/morbidmaddnes
.."Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'." - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) ..
The alter ego refers to the narcissistic need of an other similar to the self. It is a part of your development cycle. It is a form of mirror transference. It is defined as an arc of tension between the two poles, the alter ego takes into account the harmony of the self, while the mirror affirms the vigor of the self and its idealization and cohesion .
The alter ego is associated with humanity and sexual identity through self-identification—the father's true son. The reverse would be a Kafkaesque world of dehumanizing experiences. When this sector is stopped, repressed needs remain fixed and are difficult to verbalize because of the shame they arouse .
The "ego" in the negative sense is that ossified sense of a stable, unchanging "self" which people use as a defense against the Fear of Change and Death. It's SELF as a suit of armor; protective adding conforting and times SELF doesnt allow much room to maneuver, make effective contact or adapt to new situations. Otherwise, the Ego, with a big "E" can be a useful tool like everthing else lying around here. Ego creates the heroic drive towards the Transcendence which CONSUMES AND RESOLVES that drive into a higher context.
Prayers of Meditation
Just as the stem of a banana tree does not exist
when it has been divided into parts,
the ego likewise becomes unreal when examined reflectively.
One might think that because no being can be discovered,
there are none on whom to bestow compassion,
but what is done even in confusion is because of a purpose.
If, however, there is no being, whose is the purpose?
The effort is illusory, but because it serves to tranquillize sorrow,
this delusion is not forbidden.
When, through my effort and by raising a cloud of merit,
may I make tranquil those who are troubled in the fire of sorrow?
When, by zealous and meritorious deeds
for the unveiling of the truth,
may I point towards shunyata those who see only fantasies?
..
This is my Alter Ego's page...
This is a site devoted to only my friends whom i know in person. I will not add you if i do not know you personally, please see my other page, Adonis, if you wish to be added as my friend. It is there that i would be more than happy to acquaint you.
Much Love.
I view art as daily actions and sentiments. Not a collage of colors.
Some of my poetry...
The Morrow of Tomorrow
It was the end; it was the beginning,
Feeling free, endangering amity
Well past the sands of time, mistakes that I’ve made blind,
pieces falling from me
Together alone, endangering ones own,
past and present encumbered as one
It has taken a long time, to gather up freedoms of mind,
in this atmosphere, Were all alone out there
Compassions complacent, my mind is adjacent,
entering darkness, bellowing tears I called from a
distance; it came in an instance,
this inkling of taste, my ardors aerate
My blood ever flowing, the life in it showing,
each epoch a space in time,
Within a disassociated state of mind
Entering one’s own, still afraid,
I can’t see what remains ahead, visibly dead
I’ve given it properties, and things that endure much of me
Willingness;
spontaneity
Take my soul, consume me whole,
is it all apart of this world?
I assume only in duplicity
The flesh in toll has exceeded its goal,
now all the manifestations are taking hold
Deliberate pre-adjustments are desired,
thinking limited,
frequently uninspired
Things love to unfold
I hold out my hands, and wait for them to fall,
its all concerning the beginning of the end
So when it’s a matter of urgency,
I find it hard to place the dignity,
alone inside I’m agape,
I’m non plasticity
I’m non plasticity
Chrix...
And If
You articulate your feelings like a queen, thereby portraying them as genuine indeed ,
but I've seen the wheels of fortune, and I'd be wise to pay no heed,
lest my heart be stricken in two, and all my inner dwellings spewed.
Bled out like the blood of Christ, on the eve of his last day of life.
When the lance cut anew, and the flutes played a bitter tune.
A song of vacancy and passion withdrewn,
I am but a man, time readied me damned.
The serpent is your tongue,
It kisses the moon in the sky
it licks clean the blue
the color cast ashore from the sea I once so lovingly adored.
It is the temperature in which deaths flesh doeth turn, on a cold winters mourn.
It is the color of me and you.
It is our feelings utterly buried but true.
And if one may resurrect!
Gathering it be true
to live again, to speak and breath and feed like new,
we need ask only our dead friend Lazarus and the darkness in which he was withdrewn.
A shade so bitter it ensues only ignorance and beauty's loom.
My dear this lonely frigid chill, can never be blanketed.
Like a force to be reckoned with, god is immaculate
You and I are but the illustrations drawn purely for entertainment.
And if one may hide!
Slip away, into a disguise
setting forth two destinies fated to collide
I'd rather die!
God, let lose the worms, and have them graze on my eyes
for it would be better to roam Hades blind
than be undead living this bitter lie
Just as two legs intertwined
deeply passionate and moving in time
we shall be just as they, naked and full of life.
I only want to know that what I see is real
I want to be "au fait" with the feelings of my ideals
In substitute, I'm forlorn
Lost in this elapsed theater of war,
here I loll, my body and soul
My mind flaccid, as the cancer spreads like a bed of river rapids.
Is it truly worth its weight in gold?
Our story forsaken and yet untold?
Chrix 2/08
I AM
I am Blue; I am the ocean movement,
A strong current through and through
My hidden places subdued
My Past memories pursued
I am
A stone in the unwavering ground
I lay in the mud… reverberation not found
My rainbows insignia frayed, it's colors in disarray
I watch as rudimentary elements deplete it forever grey.
Meanwhile
God's children lay forever enslaved
Scorched by the suns evil subjective rays
Our hearts swiftly disarmed left dying in loved ones arms
Our eternal souls left as a memorial
They remind us of the past proverbial
It is time…
Alright alright…
It is time…
We enter the light…
It is time…
Alright alright…
It is time…
We fight the night
We fall so fast,
We fall so free,
We fall ever so haphazardly.
It is time…
Alright alright…
It is time…
We blaze the lights…
It is time…
Alright alright…
It is time…
We Jumpstart our lives
Figurative maneuvers, slip between our lips so well
We reconstruct the phrases of our phases so no one can tell
We peel back the skin, digging for a nameless buried deep within
I Am
At one point lost, then found again…
We'll just keep falling out
We just keep moving out
We just keep turning grey
We'll just keep fading away
Meanwhile
I almost died; the image of you was the only thing that kept me alive
I held my breath, as the tears wept me away
They drowned any sort of self-preservation
I had tucked away
Deep down inside something told me to stay
Because of you I lived to fight another day
It is time…
Alright alright…
It is time…
We enter the light…
It is time…
Alright alright…
It is time…
We fight the night.
We fall so fast,
We fall so free,
We fall ever so haphazardly.
It is time…
Alright alright…
It is time…
We blaze the lights…
It is time…
Alright alright…
It is time…
We Jumpstart our lives
Chrix 11/07
My skin turned blue
When all was facilitated.. When all was said and done,
would you still hold me, would we have ever won?
A long exhale, a long goodbye, a weeping moment,
I should have died, Fingers crossed, bound and bruised,
sometimes its not over, unless we suffer it as two,
Riding misery's lonely wave of doom, I understand now
this logic's nothing new, Twitching fallacy's stream
pathologically into you, I have been forsaken,
My skin turned blue.
My skin turned blue..
Temperature adjusted too.
My thoughts out of alignment, my vision skewed, contorted
into something I never knew.
Now I stand at the gallows, my noose and me, draped from a tree,
I plunge unfathomably into you.
I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say,
and I don't know how to live
I just want it to go away.
My skin turned blue,
My hands nailed threw,
My skin turned blue,
I've found it soothing,
My skin turned blue,
To know that one day,
My skin turned blue,
You'll be nailed up too.
My skin turned blue
chrix
Tolitarian Dispair
My mind's lost in total discourse, its rather sentimentally involved
My thoughts rouse and cause shock, Every time it ought not
The pleasure
The pain
Helps me feel more tangible
And nothing you say
Can make me more amiable
Always plaguing is this interference, This lost soulless reminiscence
Caught in a timeline of disarray, I drive this wooden stake
Patience fleeting, my minds images pixilating and daunting
Dreaming
I don’t want it to show
I never want to know
I'll think of you tomorrow
It’s so hard to let it go
Everything means something to someone someway or another
Nothing is something to someone with the intention of being somewhat meaningful
The lies can be deceitful furthermore rather quite pitiful,
sometimes exceptionally painful
Never mind being analytical,
I'm Jaded and misguided sometimes a somewhat radical
Forever
It's the last measure
A way to get closer
With the touch of another
The scent of closure
I set off to finish my penitence, on behalf of the lack of innocence
My selfish ego screams resonance, I must declare my insignificance
Palpable veracity's substance bleeds from the veins of my necessitated binary
And for that I have found my place amongst the butchery, lock stock and full of empathy
I now acknowledge my uninhabited skull and bones, poisoned, and utterly alone
Chrix
What it has come too...
Sadly
People cower, in this day and age
Shower there lovers, with compassion and care
But they are never really there
Inside them lies a void of no return
A never ending hunger that is only growing bigger
Tempted by the fates,
It Brought down the gates
And now all the loved ones, desire a lust for living
But sadly, there is no lust for giving
Just crumpled up agony, a torn heart with out a key
A mixed up life, for a mixed up boy
A broken promise for a broken girl
Tick Tock
Tick Tock
Time will erase all wounds they say
But had it been 20 years,
I think the scar will still remain
Chaos echo's down the chamber halls
Relinquishing the sorrow, as death falls
Damn your empathy, Damn your feelings
I only care about what I'm needing
This is my curse, this is my hearse
Trapped in a box, heading one direction
It is too late for me, what we had is what I need
Take me away? I wouldn't last the day…..
Sadly
This is the way… and will be the last thing I say…
chrix

My Interests



The Three Oddest Words

When I pronounce the word Future,
the first syllable already belongs to the past.

When I pronounce the word Silence,
I destroy it.

When I pronounce the word Nothing,
I make something no non-being can hold.

By Wislawa Szymborska

My Global Personality (As Tested)

Extraversion |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Stability |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Orderliness |||||||||||||||| 62%
Accommodation |||||||||| 38%
Interdependence |||||||||||||||| 70%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 70%
Mystical |||||||||| 36%
Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Religious |||||||||||||| 56%
Hedonism |||||||||||| 50%
Materialism |||||||||| 36%
Narcissism |||||||||| 36%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 63%
Work ethic |||||||||||||||| 70%
Humanitarian |||||||||||||||| 70%
Conflict seeking |||||| 30%
Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 63%
Romantic |||||||||||| 43%
Avoidant |||||||||| 36%
Anti-authority |||||||||||| 50%
Wealth |||||| 23%
Dependency |||||||||||| 50%
Change averse |||||| 30%
Cautiousness |||||||||||| 50%
Individuality |||||||||||||||| 70%
Sexuality |||||||||||||| 56%
Peter pan complex |||||| 30%
Family drive |||||| 30%
Physical Fitness ||||||| 35%
Histrionic |||||||||||| 43%
Paranoia |||||||||||| 50%
Vanity |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Honor |||||||||||||| 56%
Thriftiness |||||||||| 36%
Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
clean, likes large parties, outgoing, makes friends easily, optimistic, positive, social, high self control, traditional, assertive, rarely irritated, self revealing, open, finisher, high self concept, controlling, rarely worries, tough, likes to stand out, does not like to be alone, semi neat freak, fearless, dominant, trusting, organized, resolute, strong, practical, craves attention, adventurous, hard working, respects authority, brutally honest, realist, altruistic

My Confessions

Ever received a kinky text message?
- Not enough.

Have you ever been in trouble with the cops?
- In High school. I was the the rebel with a cause. Trying to instill Individuality, and bring an end to the era of normality. F* Texas. But, now i'm a happy camper.

Person you'd travel across the country to see?
- My friends are all spread out now. All grown up i guess. I'd travel to N.Carolina for Paul, Chicago to see Jessica or Donya, Denver for my new found friends, Houston for my old but dear friends, and Alabama for Laura. I need a friend in NY. Anyone?

Someone just handed you $100,000 now what?
- I wish! I'd buy a bunch of Film Equipment ( Cammera, Lights, Dolly, Sound) But only after i pay off my depts, and enroll in a good school.

Tears are falling from your face, what's the reason?
- "I've lost control again" - Joy Division

You go into Target and have $20 to spend, what do you buy?
- Cat food, makeup, and Neutragina makeup remover wipes.

You're able to go back in time and change one thing, what is it?
- Things i'd of liked to have done and said to people, but were to afraid to do so, and or worried about the consequences. I'd of invested more time and energy into education and self improvement at an earlier age.

You've won free gas for 5 years, Now what?
- Hell yeah, i'd travel, and drive my friends everywhere.

You have to walk home from school, how long does it take?
- From my new school, it would take just a couple minutes.

When someone calls you in the middle of the night, do you remember the conversation?
- Yeah, i do. I'm a light sleeper.

Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?
- Cant say that i do.

Have you ever been out past curfew?
- When i was younger, yes. I liked to push the barriers.

Do you like fish?
- Nope. I'm a vegetarian, and no not a peskitarian.

Is your current hair color your natural hair color?
- Maybe? I recently dyed it brown, but I'm going to go lighter.

What color are your socks?
- Black always, unless i wear the purple ones. ;)

When did you last receive some money?
- Tuesday i received, and hella earned my paycheck.

What are you craving right now?
- I'd like a subway breakfast sandwich to eat. A plate of Security to digest, and a little bit of time for relaxation under the sun.(preferably camping) on the side.

When was the last time you cried?
- Hmm.. around New Years? Not a very happy new years. lol

What is the last voicemail you received about?
- Michael calling about an Indie film he wants me to AD for this summer.

What kind of milk do you drink?
- Soy or rice. I love chocolate milk!?

What are you going to do after this?
- Off to International Networks to work again.

What is something you need to go shopping for?
- Clothes, shoes.

Same name as one of your relatives?
- My middle name is the same as my Dads.

What's been different this year?
- Last year sucked! This year, not so bad.

Meet anyone new this year?
- Yes i did! A lot of people, particularly from Australia.

Do you like pickles?
- Yes i do!

What color is your bedroom?
- Walls are white, but i have tarot cards covering the wall, and A splash of blue and red lights mounted on the wall to fill in the spaces.

Does someone like you now?
- Yes

Do you like anyone now?
- Yes

Do you like the color green?
- Not exactly my cup of tea, and i have to say i loath green hair, except for one person who i know who has only pulled it off. Xtian.

How many hours did you sleep last night?
- 12am - 7:30am

Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
- Shaved, changed, and combed hair, and makeup'ed. ;)

Give me a random lyric from the song you're listening to:
- "There's a ghost in me, who wants to say sorry" Ladytron.

Do you regret doing anything this week?
- Nope

Last awkward moment?
- I accidentally pulled the fire alarm at work. When they call for more than a 1,000 people to evacuate the building, you say to yourself "Oh shit". lol

Would you cry if you found out you were pregnant?
- If a girl i dated were pregnant, i'd giver her all the pamphlets on pro-choice I could.

Have you been pressured to do anything recently?
- I'm sure.

Do you hate being alone?
- I dont hate it, but i enjoy the company.

Do you like the person you are becoming?
- Slowly

Do you currently find yourself to look cute?
- I have to adjust to my new look, but others seem to react positively.

What do you want for Christmas/ or your next birthday?
- Digital Camera, I-pod, bumper stickers, clothes, giftcards, money. lol

Are you okay with making a total fool of yourself?:
- I try to avoid that with a bit of maturity.

What song is stuck in your head?
- My friends band 10% by Versailles

Are you obnoxious?
- I don't think so.

Do you know all of the words to every single Brand New song in creation?
- I do like Brand New, but as for knowing all the words. Not really.

Can you name one song by the Beatles?
- Helter Skelter

Are you regretting something now?
- Yes, i suppose.

Do lectures bore you?:
- No not unless its about something interesting.

Did anybody ever call you beautiful?:
- Sure

What is the nearest book to you called?:
- Foot Soldiers (reading it for work)

Are you passive or aggressive?
- Passive but don't settle on that 100% of the time. I can get pretty aggressive.

Ever seen a ghost?
- No.

A place you’ve lived that you miss?
- I miss my place in Long Beach.

Someone you need?
- Cant say i "need" anyone, but definitely want to need someone someday.

Wanna have kids before you’re 30?
- Not before I'm 30 thats for sure!

A memory from secondary school?
- Being chased by girls around the playground after i stole there shoes.

Ever have a crush on one of your parents’ friends?
- Ew. No.

Something you’ve always wanted to learn how to do?
- Play Keyboards/Guitar better. Draw. Face my fears.

Last item you bought yourself?
- Shirt, tie, and vest set. Off of Melrose.

What did you have for breakfast?
- Slim-fast chocolate milkshake

Live at your parents’?
- uh, No.

How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
- Five or Six.

What do you wish you were doing?
- Camping, Swimming at the beach, Hiking. Even just editing at home.

What’s the last thing you said to someone & to whom?
- Whatcha doin tonight? -Rex

Name something you have to do tomorrow?
- Work, then Work 2nd Job, then Fashion Show.

What cd is currently in your cd player?
- The Red Paintings

Can you whistle?
- Yes

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoo?
- No Tattoo's (fear of commitment) and ironically i'm getting a new piercing this Friday. Maybe a Dermal piercing.

Do you get along better with boys or girls?
- I get along with everybody.

Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?
- I take all positions.

What are you listening to?
- Morning Eclectica. 89.9 KCRW

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
- Mikey

Which of your friends lives closest to you?
- Ben

What did you do yesterday?
- Work, then Internship, then Dennys with the Australians.

What’s bothering you right now?
- Lack of funds for funs. = /

What gets in your way of your sleeping?
- Nothing! I'll sleep anywhere anytime, in any possession. Talk away to your hearts desire, I'm out like a light switch.

What annoys you most about myspace?
- Top 8 ranking.

I'd like to meet:



Floria Sigismondi

I don’t have a top.

I don’t need to rank my friends,
They are all intrinsically beautiful to me.
Thank you

Comment...

Music:

Joy Division, New Order, Gang of Four, The Cure, Depeche Mode, Gary Numan Interpol, Tricky, Massive Attack, Unkle, PJ Harvey, Clan of Xymox, Pet Shop Boys, NIN, Patty Smith Group, A Place to Bury Strangers, Crystal Castles, MGMT, Bauhaus, Placebo, RadioHead, Seabound, Thrice, Fields, Ladytron, The Manhattan Orchestra, M83, Chromomatics, Death Cab For a Cutie, Film School, Foetus, Goldfrapp, Rilo Kiley Kate Nash, The Kills, The Red Paintings, Mono, Mind in a Box, Sam Sparro, Underworld, Sleep Mask, The Verve.

Civet - Son Of A Bitch from Michael Grodner - Director on Vimeo

Movies:

(Some of the videos I have worked on.)
Lovelikefire "Wish You Dead"

Black Kites

Torture Device

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The Atmo Projekt
The Blaze Malaise

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Pretty Vicious

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Pretty Vicious

Dissidents

Vendetta Valentine

Danger Plug
Club Severance Promo Club Severance

Television:

date.com & true.com add (parody)

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Books:



MY Details

Relationship: Sequestered
Here for: Networking
Orientation: Straight
Hometown: Houston, TX
Body Type: 5' 8"
Ethnicity: White / Caucasian
Religion: Pluralist
Sign: Cancer, Aries Rising.
Smoke / Drink: No / Yes
Children: Pro-Choice
Education: In College
Occupation: Full Time Cat Owner
Income: Donate today!..

My Blog

What you thouht about Obama was true!!!

What you thought about Obama was true!!!!YES my Fundamentalist Conservative Republicans.... It is True!Your worst nightmares have come to pass!Obama REALLY is a Muslim Terrorist bent on Communist rule...
Posted by ALTER EGO on Wed, 05 Nov 2008 12:43:00 PST

Realism

What is Realism... Realism is that sinking sensation found within our childrens storiesa purged adolescence, the inept source of our convalescence. It is the wagging of the finger, the disproving tisk...
Posted by ALTER EGO on Sat, 01 Nov 2008 10:42:00 PST

If i can...


Posted by ALTER EGO on Tue, 07 Oct 2008 01:52:00 PST

puerile delight

At lunch today, I had fried potatoes. One bite in particular looked much like the shape of a Scorpion. I put it in my mouth and immediately pretended that it actually was a Scorpion! I imagined whe...
Posted by ALTER EGO on Wed, 01 Oct 2008 12:50:00 PST

LIGITAMET

In the midsts of all the pain, all the hurt, and more of the same, the never ending games. Know that you are not really hear, fear holds true, the same is nothing new, I see nothing but animal ingenui...
Posted by ALTER EGO on Mon, 08 Sep 2008 11:05:00 PST

No matter what the problem...


Posted by ALTER EGO on Fri, 05 Sep 2008 02:43:00 PST

I can still feel you, even so far away.

"The Great Below"Staring at the seaWill she come?Is there hope for meAfter all is said and doneAnything at any priceAll of this for youAll the spoils of a wasted lifeAll of this for youAll the world h...
Posted by ALTER EGO on Fri, 25 Jul 2008 07:57:00 PST

Crimson Kiss

It is this crimson kiss, saddled with blissThat no one thing can brush betweenNot one thing in a milestone of dreamscan take these found feelings and brew them aloudlike a winters rain and purga...
Posted by ALTER EGO on Fri, 11 Jul 2008 12:02:00 PST

Christianity is Pagan.

...
Posted by ALTER EGO on Mon, 07 Jul 2008 07:30:00 PST

Fountain of Youth

Beginning from children we search for the cure, that will change our opinions from doubt to secure. A miracle potion that just takes one drink, turns dreams to reality ...in the ...
Posted by ALTER EGO on Mon, 16 Jun 2008 11:46:00 PST