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My name is Megan Robinson and I was born May 6, 1987 in Fountain Valley, California late in the morning. I have two wonderful parents who in fact raised me with very good morals and values. I love my family very much, my younger sister and brother are my life, they are my reason for living. I had hard times growing up especially once I hit high school. My feelings about sex, drugs and choice of music changed almost instantly. I started listening to a lot of Rap and Underground music and ditched the pop music completely. I started wearing make-up, lots of make-up and tried to keep myself put together for each class every day! I look back now, of course and cant believe what I fool I was, this was all so overwhelming as a young woman that I desperately wanted to fit in with the "in crowd". I was never really myself, I was either being fake and trying to put on some act to win my friends over, or the drugs were me. Drugs got a hold of me automatically as if it were some kind of hereditary curse. I try to ignore the fact that drugs interested me so much that they took a toll on my life all throughout high school. Drugs gave me a sense of temporary release; the drugs made me feel invisible and untouchable. Nobody could hurt me or get the best of me when I was on these narcotics, but it took a couple of years before I realized these people might not be getting the best of me but the drugs are. It's really sad to think that I threw away 4 years of my life and dedicated my soul to the devil. This wasn't "experimenting" or being "curious" this was hardcore, rock bottom, dope sick addiction. I liked the way the drugs made me feel, I liked being social and under the influence, I figured people liked me and excepted me more when I was doing this. For once.I felt like I fit in.
Megan Robinson, I will always be this. Megan will always be my first name and I will always have to live with the fact that I wasn't always a good person. I have done more self destruction then most people I've met in my entire life. Though, I may have tried to ruin my own life and make myself miserable, my heart has been the only thing that hasn't changed. I will always have a good heart, I will always be willing to help people that need me, I will always put others before me and I will always love people that are apart of my life unconditionally. Although the drugs were a major part of my life and really made some open wounds, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." That's one of the motto's I live by. You can't just live your life constantly regretting the things you've done in the past, it isn't healthy and it sure could not be considered living. You may be reading this and think that I must be some whacko nut case that's one French Fry short of a Happy Meal and this might be so, but as you must also realize by now is that drugs are just one of the many disruptions I've encountered in my life. I dealt with a lot of depression, not so much in my younger years, more in between the drugs and the growing up stage. I never felt good enough for anybody because I was never good enough for myself. I constantly struggled with an inner paranoia. I wanted to be the ideal daughter, the sweet Grandchild, the popular girl in school and the older sister that could be a role model for my younger siblings. Somehow I just kept disappointing everyone, but worst of all disappointing myself. I don't know if I just tried too hard and set myself up to fall, or if I just wasn't meant to be all of these things. I began to believe that maybe I should just live with the fact that I will never be good enough in my parents eyes, and that is when I began to give up. Maybe, this was what every young girl has to deal with, maybe this is just apart of growing up but something was missing, something was missing that I didn't figure out for a while, and once I did everything became clear.
All those years of crying out for attention, wanting to be loved by someone that was my idol. He always did the right thing it seemed. He always took care of me and made sure I was safe and he always worked his ass off trying to keep our family together, he's my dad. No, he's not dead and he didn't leave my family, that's what might make this hard for other people to understand. Yes, he was there, physically, but all the more reason for me to wonder why all those years he never really connected with me even though he was in the next room all along. Of course, I don't expect him to be able to relate with a young girl on an emotional roller coaster seven days out of the week, but why was he able to get along so well with my sister? This was another reason for my depression. I didn't feel the unconditional love from my own father. Anyway, I guess you really couldn't understand unless you lived in my shoes, I think some things are almost impossible to put in words. This, being one of them. My dad isn't a bad guy, don't get the wrong idea, I guess I just always tried to compare him to my mom most of the time.
I have always held my mom high on a pedestal, she has been my support system since day one. The relationship I have with my mother can't be beat, at least that's how I view it. Any time I ever had a problem, an issue, or even a quarrel with a friend she has always given me the most valuable advice. I have to say, a mother knows best. She has been there and done it plenty of times. I could not imagine not having her on my side, she is definitely the MVP on my team and I love her to pieces. Thanks mom. I only wish sometimes my dad could have been on her level but he did the best he could at being a father and I know he loves me now more than ever and that's really all that counts. You cannot always let the bad things over power the good things people do, you have to remember that as long as people do their best at loving you, that its all that matters. I love him for taking care of my family and me and never giving up, I respect him for staying put together and working hard just to make all of us happy and comfortable. I understand now that he wasn't very good at showing love in the affectionate form, but he showed he loved me very much in his own ways, the only ways he knows how. My mom and dad are my heroes, and that will never change. They have stayed strong and showed us kids how a real marriage should be. I sometimes wonder why I was so rebellious and promiscuous if I had everything a girl could want.a great family and a great example for parents. I am truly blessed. Everything that has happened in my life has happened for a reason and I'm actually glad it turned out the way it did. My parents and siblings play the biggest part in my life and they made me who I am to this very day. They taught me the most important thing in life, you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. I had to learn the hard way through my own experiences and fall hard a couple of times before I could endure and understand just what they had been telling me all along. I love knowing that I have matured through all of my obstacles. Now, I will be able to use what they have taught me and also become a good parent to my children in the near future. I might only be 19 but I swear I could be 40 with all I have been through. I don't hate myself anymore. Finally, for the first time in my life I love myself.not 100% but I still have a ways to go. Sometimes I teach myself things and surprise myself because it proves that I have done a lot of growing up. Do I regret anything? Yes. I regret the fact that I could have learned all of this a lot sooner and maybe I wouldn't have caused so many people pain, including myself.
