TEXAS
The hardest part about hugging someone to whom you are attracted but not already makin' out with is knowing how long is safe. End the hug too soon and it's weird; the other person thinks "man why did he/she only hug me a little bit?" Hugging someone for too long, on the other hand, is a clear signal that HELLO YOU GIVE ME BONERS/SQUISHY LADYPARTS HAGBLGABGLH. We walk a tight-rope, my friends, a tight-rope over the chasm of AWKWARDNESS.Dark smoke fills the scene and pump up music slowly gets louder. The audience sees a ninja and his girlfriend eating at a super expensive restaurant. The girlfriend is so hot that steam is coming out of her mouth or hair. Some old idiot is sitting by the couple. The idiot is giving the girlfriend "the eye" and popping like 16 boners. But the ninja sees the boners and the music really pumps up. The audience knows this guy is dead meat for sure. But out of nowhere, the old idiot pulls off his jacket to show that he is a pirate with lasers and everything. The ninja is like yeah right who cares and then pops the biggest boner ever, bigger than the biggest blackest boner alive. The ninja's boner smashes the entire restaurant. Every single one of the pirate's boners explodes while making a whistling sound. The ninja looks back at his girlfriend. She smiles and they pork.If you want to say that evolution leads to certain general traits, fine. Clearly the Ladder Theory is not incompatible with evolutionary psychology. But keep evolution in its proper place. Rationalizing your failure as a man to keep a woman happy or bang hot chicks by appealing to her evolutionarily-ingrained prerogatives doesn't make you enlightened. It makes you a weak willed, bitchy little genetic failure. If you want to use that as an excuse then you are a sub-human. That's right, you are less than human. You know what else blindly follows genetic instructions? A yak's anus. And I have a long history of not respecting the opinions of people who smell of yak shit.In a nutshell -- if you think people are capable of making free, rational decisions, then shut the fuck up about how evolutionary psychology should somehow exonerate men or women. If you don't think people are capable of making free, rational decisions, I'll be over shortly to fuck your mom, nut in her eye, and steal her purse, pausing only to punch you in the throat on the way out, since you have no right to complain about it after all.
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