Jamres

I'm a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, and I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.I woo women with my godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines at rapid speeds, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Children trust me.I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Lord of the Rings, Moby Dick, and the Davinci Code in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep only once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on holiday in Dubai, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a cheese grater and toaster. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.I have also just completed a degree in Sports Technology, where I attained a lower second class honours.