Read..
"You buy furniture. You tell yourself, this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life. Buy the sofa, then for a couple years you're satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least you've got your sofa issue handled. Then the right set of dishes. Then the perfect bed. The drapes. The rug. Then you're trapped in your lovely nest, and the things you used to own, now they own you.""If you don't know what you want," the doorman said, "you end up with a lot you don't.""Maybe self-improvement isn't the answer.... Maybe self-destruction is the answer.""At the time, my life just seemed too complete, and maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves."...you're not how much money you've got in the bank. You're not your job. You're not your family, and you're not who you tell yourself.... You're not your name.... You're not your problems.... You're not your age.... You are not your hopes.All a gun does is focus an explosion in one direction. You have a class of young strong men and women, and they want to give their lives to something. Advertising has these people chasing cars and clothes they don't need. Generations have been working in jobs they hate, just so they can buy what they don't really need.I am the all-singing, all-dancing crap of this world.... I am the toxic waste by-product of God's creation.I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?" Why did I cause so much pain? Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness? Can't I see how we're all manifestations of love? I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong. We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. And God says, "No, that's not right." Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything.You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide. My mood once again..
crying at night i somtymes find myself dreaming about whats happening if it's happening then why am i dreaming it? there is the people that can put you down and make you feel so low that u dont think you can ever be brought back up and people that try to make your feelings higher you get that feeling that your being brought to this happiness but then all depressed at the same time wondering if what is being said is true...so you sit there head down mind wandering flustered...a tear tries to make its way out but somhow it stays in the back of your mind preserved for later when your lying in bed thinking of the day that has past by..i sit thinking for long periods of time standing or sitting asking why is this happening ? why is this happening to the world ...me...i dont understnd ..so many things we dont understnd and yet to be learned and i wander who reads the bullshit that comes up in my mind that i decide to type for the sake of whoever is bored and eyes wanders to my site..i just want to know that you really love me that there is somone there for me and its not just a broken heart that is repeadedly happening./from an invisable lover..lover of the hate creeping into my heart staining it forevermore..my wrists my tears fill your view i know this is hurting you i try to explain but i get a kiss and the pain goes away your all i need i want it to last longer than the scars...you are constantly on my mind...never attempt to hide..but this i love and i love this feeling that you give me..believe me it's true i do reely love you i dont know of the feeling its a feeling more than love more than passsion and romantic scene a feeling of everything that could ever happen good to me and i love it...closing those doors forever never to open again dont wanna see that face again none of them...but i take one step the wrong way and it could be a long fall...all of theses words put together to make a prefectly disaranged story to uncompleted so distant to your intellegence...but some may understand but it is all for me to understand you to learn if you care which doesnt mater to me i love thee.... All in my head..
Why cant i just live my life not having to worry about what you think, why cant i just go through another day like any other person, why do i have to be so stressed and worried ,and why cant i just not worry about what might happen ,and think of what i can see now, what is wrong with people ,why cant they just see how you are feeling ,not make things worse ,why do innocent humans have to be so hurtfull and why do u have to always bring me down ,why do u have to crush me into all these little pieces,? why do u have to bring me down?? why does every little thing u say crush my soul ,why does it have to take me as a whole why cant you see??,,why do i take things so seriously, why does this have to be me..why do u judge me by what you see..why cant u just get to know me..what you know is never good enough..you see the black eyes..pants torn at the knees..maybe my wrists bleeding..maybe im just not succeeding..maybe i havent found myself yet, maybe im just unreal to my own feelings..maybe i dont know what life is rally about, maybe i just have to look harder to find what needs to be found...but why do i always have to be so pessimistic why does that minite of laughter only seem great for the second that it may last..why cant it last forever why cant it instantly come back..why cant u see into my soul see the scars and where iv'e been hurt so u cant tear it up more..why is it that i can feel when u are in pain but still be hopefull why is it that im writing all this but no one will prolly care anymore...will you care if im gone do i reely matter..do i mean this much to you..could your comments make me any more sadder..could i just have one day of fun..without u ruining it the next day,..could i just be myself..for one last day..could you take me for who i am ..not who iv'e been..can u look into my eyes..and see all this strain..can u just understand i wish you could see without words just look straight through me...i wish u could be here for me without speaking through words like music bleeds thru my veins into my head and i hope your thinking of me..i hope u love me as much as i love you...i hope u wanna hold me in your arms as much as i wanna be with you..i hope u wanna hold me tight and never let go..i hope u wanna think of me tonight like i constantly think about you..i hope you understand why i cry at night..and how much i miss you when your gone...how much i just wanna hold u and squeeze you tight i hope you all understand why i am writing this it may confuse you but i just wanna be here i wanna be in your heart i just want to exist,,,
