PLEASE DON'T SEND FRIEND REQUESTS WITHOUT EMAILING FIRSTFirst off the ladies out there should know that I am very busy with my two jobs and they take up a lot of my time and I am passionate about them both. keepin' time and beatin' crime. hittin' toms and bustin' johns. rockin' it rough and puttin' on cuffs. kickin' beats and protectin' the streets. twirlin' sticks and arrestin' pricks. layin' down tracks and confiscatin' crack. playin sweet grooves and lockin' up dudes. takin' care of percussion and givin' bad guys concussions. drummin' without fail and sendin' drug dealers to jail. WHEN I'M NOT ROCKIN' AND ROLLIN' I'M FINDIN' CARS THAT ARE STOLEN. YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THIS ABOUT ME BECAUSE IF YOU DO NOT THEN YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ABOUT ME AT ALL.
Other things about me are that I have a sweet Pontiac Trans Am. It is the Indy Pace Car edition which is rare and unique just like me. It is also famous just like me because I used it on an undercover assignment in Fort Lauderdale, Miami bringing down a Argentine drug smuggling operation which ended up with me having to run from these South American gangsters while they were simultaneously chasing me and running from over a dozen police cruisers. We had two news helicopters overhead broadcasting the whole thing live and I was doing lots of sweet bootlegger turns and drifting around corners and peeling out and even doing some jumps. It got replayed a lot of times on affiliate stations around the nation and some people in Los Angeles, California even called me and talked about doing a movie but that fell through because I was too busy fighting crime and keeping the streets safe. I also got on the cover of Lawkeeper's Weekly and got to meet the Attorney General of the United States, Benjamin R. Civiletti. Taking down the smuggling ring put a huge dent in the Argentine government's income from corrupt officials' connections in the drug market and consequentially contributed to their defeat in the Falkland War. So that is why my car is famous so if you cannot deal with everything that comes along with dating a famous guy with a famous car you should probably LOOK ELSEWHERE if you are looking for dates.
All of the policework I do is freelance now that I am famous and I get to travel all around the country and sometimes on cruise ships helping crimefighting organizations protect American citizens from the evils of misdemeanor drug possession, auto theft, and vagrancy. In my spare time I raise 32 or 31 Shetland Ponies on a small urban ranch in Nashville, Tennessee. I am proud to be the Vice President of the Southeastern Chapter of the National Conference of Urban Ranchers. I am a Firm Believer that Shetland Ponies are the large dogs of the new millennium and along with several business associates I am trying to make this a reality by introducing "Shetland Shack" which is a retail pony store coming to your local shopping mall very soon. Contrary to popular belief Shetlands (or as we call them, "Shetties") are very loving and fiercely loyal to their masters, not unlike a Rottweiler or Doberman Pinscher. At any given time I have at least two guard-shetties patrolling my ranch and they have dispatched seven intruders to date with their swiftly kicking hooves of fury.
PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU MESSAGE ME I am very busy and do not have time to answer all of the things that I get over the internet and in the mail so please visit my website www.doygardner.com if you are going to inquire about getting an 8"x10" glossy of me and my Famous Trans Am or need to know more about the miniature fillies and stallions I have available for sale or breeding, because these are the things I get asked for the most and I can not spend all day answering every e-mail because "CRIME DOES NOT TAKE A BREAK" nor does rock and roll
Most Frequently Asked Questions (F.A.Q.s):
Q: Does Crime Pay?
A: I will tell you straight because that's what I am known for. Yes, it pays a lot. More than you can ever imagine in your wildest dreams. But you will eventually go to jail. And I know a lot of guys think "hey, free food." And sure, it's free food. But you hurt your mother when you commit crime and I love my mother and by extension I love all mothers so I can't stand to see people do even small crimes like counterfeiting postage stamps because IT IS HURTING THE MOTHERS. IS EVERYONE IN THE WORLD TODAY FORGETTING ABOUT THE MOTHERS.
Q: How Fast Does The Trans Am Go?
A: The answer to this question is classified by Interpol. However, I can tell you it goes fast enough to make you question your own sexuality. This is actually the origin of Pontiac's decision to name the car Trans Am. The original unofficial name on the blueprints was the "Pontiac Am I A Transsexual?" but by the time the prototype was built it had been shortened to "Am Trans?" Pontiac's marketing department discovered that having a question mark in the name of a muscle car tested poorly in the Northeast, Midwest, Pacific northwest, Southwest, Southeast, and Mid-atlantic market segments, so they nixed the question mark and flipped the words around. The rest is history. I guess the first part was history as well, but the rest is history-I'm-not-going-to-bother-telling-you-because-you-can-
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Q: What Drum Equipment Do You Recommend?
A: I'm endorsed by Meinl Cymbals and Spaun Drums , and both are quality companies.
Q: Can Your Ponies Be Registered with the ASPR and/or ASPC?
A: Long answer: I first got into pony breeding while working the big undercover bust outlined above. Most of the higher-ups in the Argentine smuggling ring lived just outside of Concepcin del Uruguay, which is about 200 miles (as the crow flies) north of Buenos Aires on the Uruguayan border. As I rose in rank within the organization I was flown on occasion to Concepcin del Uruguay to discuss business matters related to the cartel. There in the gently rolling hills surrounding the villas of the smuggling ring's leaders the locals use a diminutive white or pale-tan horse (which they call "Las Cagaleches") to pull carts. Several of the Argentine generals who were involved with the drug trafficking had been breeding this horse in with their Shetties which resulted in a hardier, more vicious/defensive breed. I took two of these half-Cagaleche ponies with me and upon returning to USA started breeding them in with "purer" Shetlands to diminish the Argentine ponies' propensity to attack small animals and young human children. I have been trying to contact the AMHR about registration but they have not returned any of my calls. Short answer: No.
Q: How do you keep in shape?
A: I get this a lot because people see me eating Fat Mo's and Las Palmas and whatever else I want and they are jealous because they are chronically obese buttertrolls. First off let's get real: most people do not have an active lifestyle that involves rock 'n' roll drumming and crimefighting, like I do. Both of those activities burn off a lot of extra calories. My real secret, however, is jumping rope. This is something I only picked up recently so I do not know many cool jumprope tricks yet but I have increased my calf measurements by over FIVE CENTIMETERS already. And if you are some sort of idiot that didn't already know, strong calves are important for playing the kick drum and hi-hat and jumping over fences when you're chasing deadbeats.