Monstris - ProfilesArchive

About Me

Most people think they're interesting. Everybody wants to be dynamic. We all angle for that 'effortless charm and graceful elegance'. You're a shitter if you say you're any of those things...and you probably work for Foxtons. I like good drink, happy company and close networks. My haircut has been described as the work of a hairdresser with ADD, my trousers are tighter than a miser and my policy on shirts is "would Liberace wear it?". I'll bore you with tales of journalistic derring-do in riot situations or my last trip to the West Bank and intrigue you with tips on where to find the latest in upside-down apparel. I was christened by a man called Cardinal Sin. I listen to everything from The Violets to the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band. My parents put me through progressive education and I repaid them by becoming a journalist...it's less messy than taking up vampirism. Everyone needs a token pleb.

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My Interests

... NOT Facebook.

I'd like to meet:

...anyone who'd like to fuck a Burmese junta up the arse.

Music:

I have a good haircut so therefore I must listen to the latest bands.

Movies:

...are those things you pay to watch as you sit in sticky, velour coated seats as you wait for a surround-sound speaker system to herald in the early onset of tinitus. Films are fortuitously screened in dark rooms where people can't see or hear you killing the twat in the third row who's talking on his mobile.

Television:

I don't pay my license fee on principle.

Books:

...are very combustible. Don't play with matches near books. Or next to an oil tanker. Playing with matches isn't bad until you smell the crackling of flesh.

Heroes:

...is a David Bowie song.
Telephone Rock!
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ALIVE!

My Blog

Electric Gardens Review

Electric Gardens Review 04/05 August 07 2 pm. Dance Tent. A man is dancing in his boxer shorts and trainers to a beat only he can hear. Angel-clad children point and stare as their parents ne...
Posted by Monstris on Fri, 10 Aug 2007 04:47:00 PST

PENSIONERS `CAUGHT IN DEPARTMENT STORE SEX ACT'

By Kim Pilling, PA Two elderly men were caught having sex on camera in a busy department store. The pensioners, aged 83 and 70, were spotted performing oral sex on each other at the bedding section o...
Posted by Monstris on Mon, 26 Mar 2007 03:03:00 PST

We Are Cossack

Due to Robin being very drunk...the band is now known as We Are Cossack. Formed a band yeah we formed a band.... Called Cossack. Was meant to be called Cossacks but Robin set up the MySpace pa...
Posted by Monstris on Wed, 21 Feb 2007 03:01:00 PST

Damn.

I punched something and really shitted my shoulder up.
Posted by Monstris on Fri, 15 Sep 2006 07:33:00 PST

Hypocrites Hippocrits Hip O'Crits (we're all fucking) Hypocrates

There is no creation. There is no seven days. There is no world but the news world and the news world is the word. The word, it reacts and never creates. Quod Erat Demonstrandum: I wouldn't give a tos...
Posted by Monstris on Sun, 10 Sep 2006 07:40:00 PST

Dead Weights

In an effort to slimline (like a dishwasher) without having to go on a diet, I will, over the next month or so, dispose of all mediocrity and inane shite on my friends list. Either you lot do ...
Posted by Monstris on Sun, 10 Sep 2006 06:13:00 PST

Baad Behaviour

280 PA [DISRUPTIVE REGIMENTAL GOAT STRIPPED OF RANK By Antony Stone, PA The regimental goat with the 1st Battalion Royal Welch has been stripped of its rank after trying to spear a drummer's rear d...
Posted by Monstris on Sat, 24 Jun 2006 12:01:00 PST

...I think I'll be shopping at Home Depot from now on....

[DRUGS FOUND BY DIY STORE CUSTOMERS By Rachel Williams, PA, in New York Drugs have been found stashed in five cabinets at several branches at an American DIY chain in a botched smuggling operation. I...
Posted by Monstris on Sun, 18 Jun 2006 01:30:00 PST

Stupid Alcohol-Induced Accidents

Ouch. My ribs hurt.
Posted by Monstris on Wed, 07 Jun 2006 06:54:00 PST

Billy Preston and why I hate boring people

Billy Preston died yesterday...not being one to suffer from the Diana syndrome of mourning people I have no personal connection to, I am nevertheless a wee bit irked that people I consider my peers in...
Posted by Monstris on Wed, 07 Jun 2006 04:35:00 PST