Jesus, King of Jews, Saviour of Man

Hey kids I'm big JC, Jesus Christ, Big Hairy , Son of God Saviour of the Jews and pretty much all round good guy. I was Born on 25th of December 4B.C. See all these medieval historians getting my date of birth wrong, missed out on three birthdays and CHrimbos for that one. I was a simple carpenter until a few weeks after my thirtieth birthday (may I tell you I had many a randy time in between). My sermon on the mound hanged a lot of peoples opinions and I became a wanted man. Well I went and me and my homies (Peter,David,Paul,John,Judas and all the rest and spread the word while doin a lot of shagging drinking and smoking the Ganj -the Pope does indeed smoke dope- and we had a merry time telling that God is the way forward until the Romans stuck there nose in. While on the the run from the Romans we continued to spread the word, while our outlaw status made us a hit with the ladies thats where i mer Mary Magdalene. What a hotty she was. AFter Pontius Pilot and his cronie tracked me down i was Crucified and finally finished of with a spear in the ribcage, a bastard of a way to go, collapsed lung. Put an end to my oxygen free diving in the 'ol afterlife. I was ressurected at the mount and went on to lead my desciples from be-ond the grave. Walking on the water, well i was beside the water on the other shore but they were too fucked to notice. After many of them went on their travels and spread my work, and some were punished with my dear cousin John being beheaded and my dearest friend Andrew being crucified in Greece, all losses for the cause. I have kept my eyes on the world up here in heaven along with my pop Big G, The Godman, Goddster,His Almighty. In the middle ages I was a staunch supporter of the crusading movement. Giving one too the infidel in the East. My favourit was the classic battle for Jaffa 1189, we showed them what the script was £rd crusade to us. That Richard the 3rd was am mean mofo, not quite as good as Raymond of Tolouse or Bohemond though. Went to the Bore War though, I love India much a different culture though to my ISraeli one though. The Spanish Inquisition was a laugh though, all those blasphemers. Done. We will be the greatest. Thats me until the eqrly 20th Century, I joined the Swingers movement in 1920s London but died one day when I fell in the bath trying to snort snuff out my brass shower. I wasn't around again until the sixties, I joined the Band the Hollies and wrote the modern hymn "He ain't heavy he's my brother" and the pop classic "Carrie-Ann", In the 70's I becqme a song writer for Boney-M with hits such as "Daddy Cool"about my dad God, "Mary's Boy Child" and "Rivers of Babylon". I also wrote the hits "Blockbuster" and "Hell Raiser" for Glam Rock ledges the Sweet and then wrote the classic "Devil Woman" for Cliff Richard. In the 1980s I establishes the underground rrave scene and launched such classisc events such as Ressurection-see where the name came from- nowadays I listen to funky house and Charlotte Church. These day I watch WWE and live off of my royalties from such hits as The Crying game, Last Temptation of Christ, Passion of the Christ, all those mormon videos and make money from the Vatican for cameo appearances in potato chips and coffee cups around the world. These days I kick back on Muscle Beach, LA with Elvis smoking reefers, humpin hotties and watchin reruns of The Sweenie on Uktv Gold 2Me and my mate mohammed also enjoy arts and crafts, he sends me nice stuff like this birthday card