ALF Facts
1. ALF always prefers syrup.
2. If you wake up in the dark of the night, and ALF is kneeling next to you with a bottle of vaseline, the only option is to grit your teeth.
3. ALF is a mammal.
4. ALF has no mating season. ALF mates all the time.
5. ALF doesn't believe in discrimination. ALF rapes without any concern for sex, age, nationality, ethnicity, creed, or ugliness.
6. When someone verbally questions ALF's motives or ethical rationale, he often replies with "Because I'm ALF, LOL!"
7. ALF is unkillable.
8. ALF does not usually rape out of a lust for sexual gratification, but out of a lust for destruction.
9. ALF always finishes first.
10. If ALF doesn't use lube, you will most likely bleed to death.
11. ALF is Canadian.
12. ALF possesses invisibility and supersonic speed, though he seldom uses them.
13. ALF listens mostly to emo, though he used to listen to a lot of gangsta rap. Nonetheless, he is still pretty gangsta.
14. When Chuck Norris was a child, he was sadistically raped after deviating from the beaten path on a casual family nature hike. Pleading for his life, Chuck struck a bargain with his aggressor. This mystical, forest-dwelling sodomist would release Chuck Norris and also bestow upon him extravagant special powers. In return, this sodomist would remove Chuck's powers on the second Friday of every month, appearing at his bedside to ruthlessly administer the full force of his lusty rage. Needless to say, this savage forest-dwelling sodomist was ALF. ALF is Chuck's foremost mentor and worst nightmare.
15. ALF's member is blacker than the blackest night, stronger than the strongest steel, and rounder than the roundest cobra.
16. ALF has three testicles.
17. ALF wears a wonder-bra--occasionally.
18. ALF isn't actually unkillable, but the only soul who possesses the power to destroy him is Ron Jeremy.
18.5 However, Ron and ALF are best chums. This explains the origin of Ron's uncanny sexual prowess. He learned from the best. Unfortunately for the world, due to this friendship, ALF is still in a technical sense unkillable.
19. When ALF captures his victims, he often dresses them up in a large rabbit costume. This costume containes two--sometimes three--orifices. The purpose of these orifices need not be mentioned.
20. ALF is Michael Jackson's father.
21. ALF is probably your father. If not, he probably anally rape your mother rather than vaginally. ALF prefers fucking ass.
22. ALF kills, rapes, sodomizes, brutalizes, demonizes, blasphemes, curses, destroys, plunders, defiles, ravages, reams, snorts cocaine, shoots heroine, drinks massive amounts of rum, and listens to The Eagles.
23. ALF is Jewish.
24. Creating ALF was acknowledged by the Devil as his own worst mistake.
25. If ALF can see you, he is going to rape you. If ALF can't see you, he is thinking about raping you. If you can see ALF, he is going to rape you. If you think about ALF, he knows, and it increases his urge to rape you.
26. The smell of fear is ALF's number on aphrodesiac, next to the smell of ass, mixed with blood.
27. ALF never needs to beat off. He sodomizes at will and at lightning speed.
28. Sitting atop a bursting volcano is more merciful a fate than sitting on ALF's erupting orgasming member.
29. If hungry, ALF will eat you out...then eat you. Salad is an appetizer.
30. Chuck Norris wears a pair of ALF-decorated boxer-briefs.
34. ALF likes the movie Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon because he feels that the name symbolizes himself. He also likes it because of all the flying and magic.
35. ALF is the only remaining chupa cabra.
36. The only buddies ALF has are unconsenting butt-buddies.
37. ALF is the reason why Steven De'larosa is the way he is.
39. When ALF was in utero, he became impatient. He simply popped a boner, then exited through the hole in his mother's stomach.
40. Calling ALF a lunatic would be a misnomer. ALF is completely rational at any given point in time. It is simply a function of his preferences that he has an insatiable lust for blood, rape, murder and, of course, The Eagles.
40.5 ALF knows no boundaries. Rape, murder, and incest are a second nature to ALF.
41. Asking yourself the question "What would ALF do (in this situation)?" is good in theory, but it any possible answers to it are actually a logical impossibility. Due to his genius character, ALF can be quite unpredictable, partially because it amuses him. So if I were to ask you "what do you think ALF is going to be up to this Saturday?," you might naturally respond "raping an elephant." Wrong! ALF would just as likely be celebrating Shavas, at home petting his kitty, or at home snapping his kitty's neck. So, the question "what would ALF do" actually has no answer. Only ALF knows.
42. Just for the record, ALF does rape elephants. He finds that they are one of the only animals capable of fitting the dimensions of his member.
43. When someone verbally questions ALF's motives or ethical rationale, he often replies with "Because I'm ALF, LOL!"
44. ALF does not touch, he grabs.
45. Every time ALF moves to a new state he has to register his penis as a lethal weapon.
46. Contary to popular opinion, ALF doesn't actually stand for "Alien Life Form." It actually stands for "Always Likes Fucking."
47. Unlike most, ALF actually prefers those with Mudbutt. Extra lube.
48. It would be possible to imprison ALF, if only his member couldn't grow larger than most cells.
49. When ALF went in for his last check-up, the doctors told him them he had the worst case of dirty-dick they'd ever seen. Then he raped them. And it got dirtier.
50. ALF is currently in the process of suing Mc Donalds corporation, claiming that "The Big Tasty" is already a trademark name for his member.
51. Patrick Swazye is the only known living species to have been raped, survived and enjoyed a fruitfull relatioinship with ALF.
52. When Alf climaxes, a shock wave is felt throughout the world. But you already knew that.
53. Alf's vainy abomination called his Penis is worshipped in remote countries with statues and chants around the world. These chants are said to release the unbridled fury of Alf.
