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gilberry

I am here for Friends and Networking

About Me

Well most of you know I used to blog pretty extensively, and it was a good way to relate the stories and keep them close to my heart. You know, like the crazy woman that passed out in my yard and when she woke up, she asked where Cracktown was. "Cracktown's on the other side of that bridge, chica."

"Well, can I crash here?"

"In the yard? Sure. In the house, not so much."

Totally true story. I have witnesses. Weirder, I confused this crazy woman with a totally different crazy woman that went to the Duck a few times, and who ended up in my yard another time, after Wilma.

These crazy women shouldn't be mixed up with the crazy girl that showered in our bathroom on the 4th of July (same year the woman got run over and we had to watch her kid because her bf seemed a little too sketchy), and ended up crashing with the Brazilians down the street, except for a while, and you'd just see her in the same outfit for a week, going to 7-11 to buy beer.

They could have at least given her a flag to make into a halter top. As noted with everybody's best friend, Scott (not Avery), the American flag, as gorgeous as it is, makes a crappy halter top. But the Brazilian flag? Mmmmmmm, the things you notice at soccer games. Anyway, she just had the same tshirt she prolly stole from one of my roommates.

So yeah, even though Cracktown really is on the other side of the bridge, this is still Crazyville.

Last weekend I got home from an evening out, and there was a guy passed out on the utility pole in the front yard. His girlfriend was circling him, not like a shark, but protectively, like a porpoise fending off an Elian obsessed mako.

"Hey guys."

"Hey."

"What's in the bag? Beer? I sure could use a beer." This is the girl talking.

I stopped at 7-11 and got a Red Bull for the AM and some Frito's because I was hungry. I've convinced myself that eating something before going to bed drunk isn't a bad thing. Actually, it settles the stomach...in Paul's Theoryland (for those keeping score, yeah, I live in Crazyville, Theoryland).

"No beer. Sorry. Just Frito's and a Red Bull."

"Freedom? Nobody has any freedom anymore!" This is the guy talking. Holy shit, he has a guitar! As in, that's no moon, it's a space station...no...wait...it's a guitar. I resist the urge to wake up a roommate or two so we can partake of the hootenany. It's just me and the faux-ppies.

She explains that freedom is the beach, the ocean. And that I should hang out at the coffee house. They have an open mic. Duh. That's why there's a guy and a guitar under the streetlight and a girlfriend in orbit...in my yard. I'm surprised there haven't been more. How many renditions of whatever Jack Johnson is easiest to play I have slept through? I don't even remember the conclusion, but I am pretty sure that the Fritos/freedom thing was the highpoint.

Sidebar: I wanted to call the Fritos/freedom thing a spoonerism, not particularly because it is a spoonerism, because it isn't, but because I wanted to say the word 'spoonerism,' which I guess I just did.

Anyway, about me, huh? Well you don't have to be a CSI watcher to see the funny in this situation, but that's me. I see the funny things.

My Interests

MySpace, OurSpace, Herspace, HisSpace, TheirSpace, metalurgy, CoS, LDS, Kabballalalalalah, Church of Athena (GO TO HADES, Church of Aphrodite!), carnivals, me, my eternal soul, your eternal soul, trying to convince people that they should just give up on the chopsticks (let's face it, fork and spoon have clearly won this one), ellipses (...), elipses (ovals), eclipses, Elise (Keaton), blowing your mind!, dogs, reading, writing...

I'd like to meet:

Veronica Sawyer...so we can conquer Heathers and J.D.s...And all the people that put this in their friends' yearbooks.

A pundit. Don't you think either that pundits should be more fun, or something that they ask for in ER. "Abby, we need a pundit, or we're going to lose our third spleen today." "The 5mm or the 7mm? Jesus! We only have 7mm pundits! Who restocked this crash cart?" Can't you see Maura Tierney throwing a giant Pulp Fiction syringe in frustration?

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmaura Tierney.A chica who will wait all day to use the word 'spoonerism,' even incorrectly. Then years later we will laugh about it. But please don't use it as a pun for our sleeping arrangements, okay. Unacceptable. She should be more clever than that.

A girl that might put her fingers in her ears during a fireworks show, but not in one ear in order to hear better on the phone. The former implies a childlike innocence, the latter uncouth.

Criss Angel and Chuck Yeager.

Somebody for whom I can cook poorly, and who will return the favor. This includes omelets that will just really be scrambled eggs that have stuff mixed in and chili that, in spite of the best intentions, finest herbs, spices and culinary caprice, will still taste like Hormel's. However we will both be able to burn a hot dog just right.

Crazy people. Don't get too close, though.Drunk people. Don't ask for beer. My roommates and I already drank the beer.

That girl at work that looks like Michelle Rodriguez, except not about to beat my ass.

A talking animal other than a parrot.

Somebody that will forgive me for reaching with the talking animal thing, even though it would be sort of cool.

Is this funny to you: "Skim board=skim bored." If so, then I'd like to meet you. But not if you actually had to buy a skim board to find out. It should have been obvious in the store.

I would like to meet whoever came up with this: . Isn't this the funniest thing ever? I mean I am an EFF member, so I know there are some genuine threats to our ephemeral civil liberties, but the little red bandanna on the Statue of Liberty is just hilariously awesome.

First they took away internet poker, and nobody said anything. Then they took away internet blackjack...If only Elie Weisel was here to chronicle the tyranny. Let's save the blindfolded icons for our secret prison system...My lack of faith in society is now restored.

Music:

Model Rockets, The Mod Onions, One Hung Monkey, Turbidity Check, Scarface Jones, Halo No, Frisbee, Murky Trucker Heart, Chevy and the Big Blocks, Kal El Cage, The Ricochets, Frag the Fraggles, Community Service, The Starfish, The Footnotes, Vagabond Jovi, Cooler than Carl, A Band (not The Band), Checks and Balances, The Ska Flaws, The Smoking Lamp, On the Wagon, The Air Quotes, So Called Happy Hour, We Are The Voidity!, The GrrrrKarts, Turgid Members Only, Crudely Fashioned Parachutes, Irony Man, A Different Skillset, Trump on Trump Action, The Rusty Bailiffs, The Four-Oh-Fours, Boba Fete and the Protocol Droids, The Challenged, Piakhuls, Gayle and the Stiff Breezes, Totally Queueless, The Abandoned Wikis, The Deal, Dewey and the Don'ts, The Ruts, Hi!, Tom's Last Wheelie, The Cheap Parlor Tricks, The Nuclear Boy, Robot and the Identical Robots, Collateral Joy, Rhymes with Pee, Flimsy Premise and the Strawmen, The Ferns, A Capella Bonham, Turbo vs. Ozone, The Pounds Sterling, Scalable Business Solutions, Chaotic Evil Knievel, Fine Young Manimals, Blistering Memo, The Op Eds, More Time with My Family, O.K. Simpson, Sectarian Violins, Murphy and the Robocops, Dr. Fill, Then vs. Than, No Better than the Terrorists, The Terrorosts

Movies:

Oh man, I know this is old, but really, can this get old? I mean seriously, Natalie Portman cursing is like the platinum iridium bar of jokes. It is inscrutable, inviolate, and a damn sturdy comedic premise. And Lynda opened up all my fond Lonely Island memories...

Television:

Criss Angel Mindfreak (this is the only serious thing I have said...ever). ALL JOSS.Robot Chicken so rules (what's this, about an H3? Yeah, definitely H3)Btw, it's really H2, bizniatchitos!

Books:

'Focus vs. Vespa' by Paul Gilberry. Wait a minute. That's me. Holy crap, I wrote a book.You can buy it here.

Heroes:

"I don’t own an iPod. I would never wear an iPod… If this is your primary focus in life - the machines… it’s going to have a staggeringly negative effect, all of this, for America… did you ever talk to these computer geeks? I mean, can you carry on a conversation with them? …I really fear for the United States because, believe me, the jihadists? They’re not playing the video games. They’re killing real people over there." - Bill O'Reilly