Ten years ago, this guy walked into the mall. He didn't have many friends, so he just rode the carousel all day. After about three straight days of this, mall security came up to him and told him he had to leave. Turns out this guy was creeping out all of the kids in the food court, and none of them came within fifty feet of the carousel. The man didn't understand. He asked himself, "How can these children do this to me?"
The Rent-A-Cops heard the man mumbling to himself and decided to keep their distance. They all drew their cans of mace and walkie-talkies and ordered the man to get down. Unfortunately, the man was Bulgarian, and he only spoke an obscure dialect of Russian, and, amidst the ever-growing circle of men with their shiny bottles and noise boxes, he panicked.
He got down on his knees and pleaded with the nearest security guard, a rookie named Howard. Howard had started only earlier that week. He hadn't finished reading his training manual, and now he had to deal with this guy slowly approaching him from his knees, arms outstretched, speaking some awful gutteral, throaty language. He started backwards, unsure as how to handle himself. "Get back," shouted Howard, "get back, or I'll shoot!"
The rookie scared the man with his shouting and erratic behavior, so the man pounced, nails scratching and teeth gnashing. One finger caught Howard in the right eye, blinding it. Before he knew it, Howard had 210 pounds of raging Bulgarian fury sitting squarely on his chest, pummeling him with blows, bites, and insults in a tongue he's never heard before. He reached for his mace and brought the can around, but his impaired depth perception would prove to be a problem. Instead of spraying the berserk Russian in the eyes, he hit the one guard rushing to his aid, bringing him down in a cringing, writhing heap.
Turns out, Howard had pissed off half of the security force after making several anti-Semetic remarks, and it just so happens that 90 percent of the guys working for that particular business-protection firm were, in fact, Jewish. Orthodox Jewish. As a matter of fact, three of them were rabbis, and another was in training.
One would have thought that making anti-Jewish comments in a city like Jerusalem would have been an obvious faux-pas, but no one ever accused Howard of being smart, actually, calling him dim-witted would have been high praise, which explains why this security job was the first work he'd had in three years. Even garbage collection turned him down. The last thing Howard heard before passing out was, "Fifty-six hundred years of history can't be wrong."
Howard was buried with full security honors, with a twenty-one tazer salute and a touching police whistle rendition of Requiem. He was interred in uniform, black vest adorned with the lone merit medal he received, ironically enough for "Crowd and Riot Control."
