Baxter the Little Gentleman profile picture

Baxter the Little Gentleman

I didn't fight a secret war in Nicaragua so you could walk around bad-mouthing Lady Liberty in your

About Me

Jared Harmon is a sports writer for the Henderson Home News. Tait Ecklund is his beleaguered personal assistant, whose many duties include keeping Harmon's schedule stored on an Etch A Sketch, shaving Harmon's armpits, pointing to Harmon's medals and informing his co-workers of his sexual conquests. Harmon's flagship is is a dirty 2005 Sentra, garishly decorated in velour and containing a hanging portrait of him in a pose reminiscent of Aaron Shikler's posthumous portrait of John F. Kennedy.Harmon envisions himself a "ladies' man" yet is completely clueless in matters of romance. On first meeting Colleen O'Brien, on or about July 7, 2004, he ended up having sex with her (she was motivated by pity). He is also frequently seen with female companions who are obviously prostitutes, or even men in drag.Harmon's pretensions of being suave are belied by his ignorance of how to properly pronounce words such as champagne, bravo, encore, and guacamole, though, strangely, he has no problem with chutzpah. He claims this to be the result of "a very sexy learning disability," called "sexlexia".Harmon is arrogant, incompetent and cocky. His battle tactics are impulsive, generally stupid, and almost always unnecessary. He takes delight in forcing friends to bail him out of ridiculous, easily avoidable altercations, viewing this as proof of their loyalty. Notable examples include a battle with a Hispanic gang, a battle which Harmon won by sending wave after wave of his own friends at the gang members until they reached their pre-programmed kill limit.Anyone who is around Harmon too long rapidly develops an extreme dislike for him. When Harmon tried his hand at karaoke the audience immediately booed and jeered, then fled from him, with one patron stating, "He sickens me!" Harmon's own co-workers share this opinion, evident during a meal in The News' breakroom when he raised a glass and called for support, met only by a stony silence and one anonymous co-worker yelling "You suck!"Harmon has expressed on several occasions his fondness for being choked and spanked by strong women, though during an encounter with female body-builders in Reno his personal limits were rapidly met and exceeded. After escaping and despite his pelvic injuries, he looked back on the experience fondly, sighing happily, "I had snu-snu!"As is apparent, Harmon does not wear any pants. From the disgusted reaction of Tait while following Harmon up a ladder, he apparently eschews underwear as well.

My Interests

My friends, movies, music, baseball but mainly the Cleveland Indians, football but mostly just the Browns, swimming, comics, work, cock fighting, clubbing seals (it's a thankless job)

I'd like to meet:

Me from like a minute in the future so we can do stuff without it being "gay."

Music:

in no particular order: The Rapture, Neutral Milk Hotel, The White Stripes, Bloc Party, Sufjan Stevens, Portishead, Patrick Wolf, Elliott Smith, The Anniversary, The Decembrists, Wolf Parade, The Arcade Fire, Frank Sinatra, Barry White, Fischerspooner, The Mountain Goats, Islands/The Unicorns, Sons and Daughters, Stars, Franz Ferdinand, The Strokes, Tony Bennett, The Hives, The Rentals, Alkaline Trio, Dillinger Four, Tool, The Faint, The Who, Aimee Mann, Fiona Apple, The Lovemakers, The Mathematicians, Rilo Kylie, The Postal Service, The Firebird Band, The Rolling Stones, Journey, Styxx, REO Speedwagon, TV on the Radio, David Bowie, a bunch of other stuff and every new Kanye West song for about one week.

Movies:

Also in no real order: Fight Club, Dr. Strangelove, Goodfellas, The Godfather 1+2, Raging Bull, Butch Cassidey and the Sundance Kid, The Royal Tenebaums, Rushmore, Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Anchorman, Punch Drunk Love, Unforgiven, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, Heat, Good Night and Good Luck, The Big Lebowski, Wet Hot American Summer, Snatch, Saving Private Ryan, The Prestige, Requiem for a Dream, Cool Hand Luke, The Graduate, True Romance, Lost in Translation, Memento, Igby Goes Down, Leaving Las Vegas, The Insider, Gangs of New York, Buffalo '66

My Flixster

Television:

Arrested Development, Lost, Seinfeld, The Sopranos, Futurama, Harvey Birdman, South Park, 24

Books:

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, A Clockwork Orange, Naked Pictures of Famous People, Being There, The Stranger, Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf?, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, A River Runs Through It, Grapes of Wrath and anything by Chuck Palahniuk but especially Survivor

Heroes:

Robert Goulet