Suicide Survivor & Child of God

Hello, I am Carol. I am a widow. And I am a Survivor of suicide. A suicide survivor is a family member or friend of a person who committed suicide.
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My 23 year old daughter shot herself on Jan.19,2007.
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My husband died of cancer Aug.21, 2000 at the age of 47.
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I have 2 grown sons, a daughter in law and 3 beautiful grandchildren. I have a beautiful close extended family. My older Sister Susan is near and dear to my heart. She's the best.
I became a suicide survivor less than 2 months ago. It was sudden. Sierra was my youngest child. She was a mother. My granddaughter Alexis is beautiful and misses her mommy very much. I miss her also. I can't believe that this happened. It happened while she was in an argument with her fiancee. No one knows what she said, or what they were fighting about, or why. I think some people know these answers but are not talking. None the less it is very painful to loose a child like this. She was looking forward to her upcoming birthday on Jan. 28. She was a woman with a strong personality, she was artistic, she could be stubborn, she was very intelligent and she did have a soft spot. She didn't show that soft spot a lot because she was usually trying to be strong. The sister of two older brothers had to be tough. She always had her big smile on her face. I can see it every time I think of her. She worked hard for her family, she was the one who went out and worked a job for the family.
I love her very much. I miss her dearly. I cry for her.
My husband and the father to my children died of cancer of an unknown primary. We found out that he had cancer 3 months before he died. My children helped me take care of him. He was very much loved. I was married to him for 28 years. Almost all of my adult life. It has been hard recovering from the loss of him. I know it has been hard for my children as well. Maybe this is part of why Sierra felt hopeless when she found a lump in her breast. She was thinking about how her father suffered so much. I tried to assure her that most lumps are not cancer.
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I do have good things happening in my life. I came back to the LORD Oct.2005 after several years of being lost in my grief and wondering why the Lord would take my husband away. I am so in love with my Lord Jesus. I have peace in my heart when I focus on him. He give me hope. HE is the reason I can go on everyday after so much loss in my life. I pray to him for rest in my heart and I crawl up into his lap. He says,"Daughter, I am with you always" and he is. When I begin to feel down and sad, it is when I forget to pray. Yes of course we will all go through the sad stages of grief. I am not immune to that. But I suffered so much when I lost my husband, it was the most difficult time in my life that lasted for years and years. This time, with my daughter, yes I am suffering, I am crying everyday, at home, at work, in my car, in church. A lot. But at the same time I have a peace in my heart and a comfort that my Lord is there for me and he loves me.
In 2 Corinthians 12:10 Paul says..."for when I am weak, Then I am strong."
I love this verse. It means that when we are weak we turn to God for help. God is all powerful and you put his power with us and we are so STRONG. We tend to pray and ask for Gods help in our times of trials, when we are feeling weak, not when we are having good times and everything is going great. And at those times when we are weak and down we call on our Lord for help. So take God + Carol = Strength.
I feel stronger when I pray and this verse explains why that happens. I need God everyday in my life to get through this tragedy that has happened with my daughters suicide. There is no other way I can survive. Not on my own. I need him, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
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I'm an artist. I love painting in watercolors, oils or sketching in charcole.
I like gardening and growing roses and bulbs.
I GREW THESE ROSES AND PHOTOGRAPHED THEM TOO
I can read and write in spanish, I speak a little and understand ok.
SOME OF MY PAINTINGS
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