I've never been happier than I am right now. (Well, not right now, this exact moment because I'm sitting in my office at work and the chair's a little hard for my taste and there's nothing to eat here except the 2-year-old Special K cereal bar I just found in my desk drawer, but happier in general than I've ever been.) There's an extremely noisy seagull outside my office window.I'm allergic to all stick deoderants. Water gives me a headache. I have a great boyfriend, but I wish he would go to movies with subtitles. Everything I know about being a man, I learned from GQ. Ok, fine. I'm in love.
I secretly wish I were more like Groundskeeper WIllie.
I'm not autistic, but I enjoy feeling the textures of leaves and bark against my fingertips. A month ago, I witnessed a honda run over a squirrel, and it ruined my day. There are days when I walk around feeling like a corpse who's just wearing a Joel suit.
I recognize that the sunshine is my enemy. I think people wearing novelty t-shirts should be sterilized. I'm a sad bastard, but I like to laugh at myself and at others.Sure, I'm an underachiever. Sure, I'm depressed. Sure, I can recognize a Marc Jacobs bag, but that doesn't make me a snob. (Fuck you, Laura.) I think it's both funny and sad that people wince when I smile.
I'm a vegetarian who doesn't really like vegetables. Sometimes I wake up at night in a cold sweat, wondering if maybe I've become a douche bag.No one believes me when I give them directions. I'm a poor loser. If given the chance, I will probably wrestle your dog.I'm undoubtedly the most nervous, socially anxious Scotsman you will ever meet. I can't say that I love Jesus. However, I do love hiphop but I hope not in that dreadful white boy sort of way. I probably won't answer the phone, because I just don't want to, or more likely because I have a terrible habit of leaving it in my desk at work.I haven't had any contact with my biological family in over 5 years. I have a powerful unibrow that i need to trim daily, and I fear that I may wake up one day with an eyebrow that's migrated all the way to my scalp. I reveal too much about myself to complete strangers (you're reading this, right?) yet hide almost everything from friends.
