Watkin profile picture

Watkin

99.5% human? Leave it out. You ain't clonin' me with a rabbit. Fuck Alzheimers.

About Me



Things I Hate by Jos Watkin
(1) People who can't wait till you get off the tube before they get on. Breeds. (2)People who don't say please and thank you - they're free you know (3)Mince pies (same goes for Christams Pudding) (4)Them talking heads programmes, you know like 'I love 1984' or 'Top 100 Musicals' - wank. (5)People who moan about everything (6)Doctor-fuckin-Who (7)Macy Gray - her face is too big to be human (8)Spiders. I hate them and they hate me - And I'm cool with that. No worries at all - let's just leave each other alone. Mr Spider, don't put me the position where I have to kill you. Cos once I see you I just think thus: 'If I don't kill it now, it's gonna munch on my garibaldi crumbs (or whatever) get bigger and end up chillaxing in my bed and then I'll be asleep and it'll crawl into my mouth and shit (it won't have a shit, it'll just do it's thing (making a web, supping saliva, whatever)) nb. note the double bracket here, this is not misnomer, it is because I opened a set of brackets and then another and in order for the sentence to be grammatically correct I must close both brackets - nuf sed. (9) Spiders on TV - I don't want to watch them. I don't like them anyway, quite clearly (see above). So, why have I got to see BIGGER ones, CLOSER up? Come on Sir David...I enjoyed your Blue Planet and I must admit the way in which you are able to time-lapse some of said images is justifiably the forerunner in modern cinematography, but leave off with the archnids mate. Ta. (10) Spiderman - much of the same applies as above. However, I don't like spiders (you can never reiterate this too much) and I don't like spiders on TV (again, I've drawn attention to this above) but a man who is a spider? That's just mental in my book. Ok, he turned out alright - he's only got them Spidey-senses, but it could've gone all tits up couldn't it? If it had been different, he could've just had normal man's powers (nothing) but looked like a giant spider (think The Fly featuring Jeff Goldblum) rather than be a man who has all these spider-esque powers. Know what I mean? And this, my friends, is why I don't like Spiderman - not for what he is, but what he makes me think. (11) Horrid girls who say 'Jos, don't look now but there's a spider on the wall'. When there isn't one at all. It's not big and it's not clever.....Fleur.
So, this section used to bang on about Mick Hucknall and how I hate him. Don't get me wrong. I still find the man a total fuckwit, but recently I have developed, through no fault of my own may I add, a new loathing for a television 'personality' - Keith 'Cheggers' Chegwin.
Look, I don't hate him as much as Hucknall. He's even in my friends below and he was genius in Extras, but NOT IN THE MORNINGS CHEGGERS! I find his quirky, happy-go-lucky, cant-get-this-old-dog-down charm fairly quaint at times, but that fucking 'Wahey!' noise he makes everytime the camera pans back to him just makes me want to gouge my eye out with a spork (spoon cum fork - they exist honest).
Picture it: I've just woken up, I feel shit, just want to whack on the box and have a quick look at the news whilst I'm throwing on my garms (or whatever) like - but no. Cos I've got his grinning mug leering at me. All happiness and smiling. I don't even want to get changed in front of him. You're bringing me down Keith, you're bringing me down. Serious.
And why is he always smiling? So, he's in Dundee/Yeovil/Scunthorpe/Cromer (delete as applicable) at half 6 for GMTV - what's funny about that? He must've been up at about 4 in the morning to get there. And what THE FUCK is funny about that Keith? WHAT?

Now, I don't want to take anything away from the chap. His drive and enthusiasm are second to none. Was watching GMTV with Fleur right and he's just given some random family ten grand for who-knows-what (well, it was for a Holiday, but why he gave it to them I don't know) And what does he do?
Cheggers: 'Well, Maria isn't the only winner here is she?.. (winking at Maria's 6 year old child - which makes for disturbing viewing in itself) ...what did little Lottie here do yesterday?' 'I came second in a spelling contest' Keith's beaming now right - 'That's brilliant!!!' he enthuses.
FADE TO BLACK
No Keith, it's not brilliant.
Firstly, who wants to know about some 6 year old girl's spelling competition? Secondly, she didn't even win! Second place is first loser in my book. Scraping the barrel mate. And that shows you Keith Chegwin in a nutshell - he'll celebrate anything. And always with the same quip: 'Wahey!' What a mug.

But remember kids, and this is real important, whatever you do never, ever disturb a man in a jazz trance.
The aforementioned Andy Tibber - a usual pose...two girls - he'll be going home alone tonight - fact.

My Interests

All manner of things interest me: weird facts, nautical engineering (circa 1842-1867), beards (but not moustaches at all - au contraire mon chere)....I can't be bothered to write any more in this section thank you very much.

I'd like to meet:

Anyone interesting I reckon. Except Lawrence. He's a ballbag.
To be fair, loads of people actually. Buckley, Ryan Adams, John Lennon, Bowie, The guy who invented Lucozade (that could be Glaxo, Smith or Klein or are they just the owners? I'll do some research) The Birdman of Alcatraz aka Robert Stroud - only because I only know him for his avian-stuff, he might have more to offer the world. Doubtful since he was in Alcatraz - but still, gotta give these crims a chance? Stuart Peace (my childhood idol), Ben Fogel (of Castaway and more recently Cash In The Attic Fame - he rowed across the world don't you know), Terence Trent D'Arby (best name ever - fact), the person who invented the cup holders in cinemas cos that is just genius - imagine that. Lord Rochester aka John Wilmot (this geezer is a sickead...and from the 17th century), Shakira - she'd be bang in trouble, Bonnie Prince Charlie (He sounds like such a jovial fella - sailed to Skye - not the one in the air nor BSkyB, but the island located to the west of the Scottish coastline - true dat), and saving the best till last, Brian Clough. Who it seems about every other fucker (rhyme) has met 'cept me. And there's little hope now - since he'd dead.
I'll develop some more ideas and throw them your way. If you don't like em, lob em right back at me. But mind my face.

Music:

Yeah, it's cool. Big fan of anything musical. So here goes - it no specific order, of course -...The Ramones, The Beatles, Blur, Ryan Adams, Bob Dylan, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Interpol, Spinto Band, Libertines, Al Green, New Order, Roni Size, Joy Division, Four Tet, Sigur Ros, Bloc Party, Supergrass, Talking Heads, Blondiem Stone Roses, RJD2, Queens of the Stone Age, Pixies, Zep, Mogwai, Turin Brakes, Lemon Jelly, Soulwax, Squarepusher, The Smiths, Death From Above, Weller, Velvet Underground, Louis XIV, Jeff Buckley, Radiohead, Flaming Lips, The Stooges, Dirty Pretty Things, Wolfmother, The Cure, Kills, Arcade Fire, Bright Eyes, Blondie, Arcade Fire, Futureheads, Morrissey, Aim, Pink Floyd, DJ Format, Tony Daley, Subways, Lou Reed, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, White Stripes, Mogwai, Wilco, Gomez, PJ Harvey, The Undertones, Nirvana, The Vines, Nick Drake, Turin Brakes, The Specials, Just Jack, The Rolling Stones, The Pistols, Razorlight, Lennon, The Kinks, The Small Faces, Prodigy, Four Tet, Boards of Canada, Nightmares On Wax, Zinc, Pendulum, High Contrast, Pigeon Detectives, The Clash, My Morning Jacket, Vines, The Rakes, Ian Brown, Belle & Sebastian, Ocean Colour Scene, Tom Waits, Mr Scruff aka Dr Chuff, Maximo Park, LCD Soundsystem, Kings of Leon, Jesse Malin, Hot Chip, Northern Soul in general, Woody Guthrie, Rufus Wainwright, Stone Roses, The Who, The Doors, Beach Boys, DJ Shadow, Razorlight, Love, Rae & Christian, Mark Rae.....My fingers hurt.

Books:

Mate, there are toooo many books. I've just done a hench list for music haven't I? I'll do 5 that were wicked when I was growing up instead - in no particular order.
Saturday Night, Sunday Morning by Alan Sillitoe - did you know that the title of The Arctic Monkeys album 'Whatever People Say I am, That's I'm Not' is a quote from this? That's not why it's a good book mind - it just is. And it's set in Nottingham - me second home like.
First Love, Last Rites by Ian McEwan,
American Psycho by Brett Easton Ellis,
American Dream by Norman Mailer and
Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

Bosh. Have that.

My Blog

Shrooms & The Park

I reckon I was about 16 when this happened. And, as usual with most o' me blogs, it's not about me persay - more that I'm a casual, but slightly involved onlooker. The story is thus:It was the summer ...
Posted by Watkin on Wed, 01 Nov 2006 07:58:00 PST

It ain't all that funny, but it's true - grafitti

So, I turn up to work on Monday morning......Monday's are shit aren't they? You know you've got five full days (42 and a half hours) of work to get through before the pub, club, sleep weekend. In...
Posted by Watkin on Tue, 10 Oct 2006 04:20:00 PST

Andy Tibber and the things he's done...

As soon I arrived at halls on my first day at uni I knocked on the doors in me corridor, and proposed a venture to the public house. So there was me, Dave, Ad and Tibber (Mark and James were...
Posted by Watkin on Mon, 04 Sep 2006 09:46:00 PST

Rude Boys n their speak

Yes yes. Me and a few of me boys 'ave made 'is likkle fing for yous to see star. Blood - A colloquial term of endearance, much like 'mate' or 'chap' used from one Rudeto anoth...
Posted by Watkin on Wed, 30 Aug 2006 10:00:00 PST

Don't go the Hairdressers if you feel a little weird. Serious. Really.

I was in the first year of uni, it was the holidays and I needed to get me barnet chopped. So, being back in Bexleyheath I thought I'd go down to Harry's on The Broadway to sort it. I had short hair t...
Posted by Watkin on Wed, 23 Aug 2006 07:59:00 PST

The Doctor, The Walk-In Centre and The Nurse

Seriously, I'm not going to get all political and boring about this. But I think it's a bit fucking stupid...but bare with me...So, I got me a little bit of asthma right? I need to have spare inhalers...
Posted by Watkin on Fri, 18 Aug 2006 08:32:00 PST

Not in the morning. Come on, that's ridiculous.

In the mornings I tend to jump out of bed, grab me towel off the radiator and bosh straight into the bathroom. Which I did on Tuesday morning - nothing out of the blue at all there then. Have a ...
Posted by Watkin on Wed, 16 Aug 2006 05:25:00 PST

Lawrence and his ticket exploits

I just jumped off the tube, as you do, amongst the throng. And wound my way up the escalators at Angel - which, if you didn't know, houses the longest escalator on the Underground network. Fact. So, I...
Posted by Watkin on Thu, 27 Jul 2006 03:16:00 PST

It's hot and I'm melting.

It's hotter than the sun...isn't it? I think I'm going to melt. Just like The Snowman. Who, incidentally, nobody every queries about his intentions to the nameless, ginger boy. I think that deser...
Posted by Watkin on Thu, 20 Jul 2006 10:10:00 PST

The deal with the picture

It's not me. It's Manilow
Posted by Watkin on Tue, 18 Jul 2006 10:08:00 PST